One-Stuck Can Opener

I have a problem.  The problem is the One-Touch Can Opener.  It’s a rather expensive useless plastic & metal rock.  In fact, they ought to market it as “Pet Rock: With Batteries!”  Maybe an actual rock would be more dependable in opening cans.  We just recently bought our 2nd One-Touch Can Opener.  I have no idea why we’re on a second one.

The first one was fine for a while, but it didn’t get much use unless we were making Nine Can Vegetable Soup or Chili or something where we had to open a bunch of cans at once.  One day a lid got stuck.  The can lid was successfully removed from the can, but remained under the blade of the One Touch.  It remained securely under the blade.  It wouldn’t come out with a gentle pull, or a labored tug.  Pressing the button to try & turn it back on didn’t do anything.  I think I eventually got some pliers to yank it out.  After that (of course) it ceased working.  Perhaps I yanked too hard?

Figuring it was my fault and that I broke it… I bought another.  I thought that the lid getting stuck was a fluke & it didn’t occur to me that it may (would?) happen again.  Boy, was I naive.  It happened again.  This time I didn’t try to dislodge the lid.  I have tried pressing the button.  I gave it several touches, to no avail.  I set it down & took some photos… intending to write to the manufacturer wight a verbose ranting “WTF?” kind of letter.  (You know, my usual.)  The problem being that I couldn’t find the damn manufacturer.

What a wonderful piece of engineering! What excellent modern technology! I mean… What a blunder of engineering! What excrement passes for modern technology?

What a grip!

Unless you were watching another channel.

I mean, I have some pretty cool photos to send, and I had no idea where to send them.  Googling One Touch Can Opener brings up several “As seen on TV” websites.

I emailed one of them, and they basically told me to go fornicate with myself…

From: As Seen On TV Customer Service
To: _____________@_____.___
Sent: Thursday, May 24, 2012 11:50 AM
Subject: One Touch Can Opener [Incident: 120523-000134]

Recently you requested personal assistance from our on-line support center. Below is a summary of your request and our response.

If this issue is not resolved to your satisfaction, you may reopen it within the next 7 days.

Thank you for allowing us to be of service to you.

Subject
—————————————————————
One Touch Can Opener

Discussion Thread
—————————————————————
Response Via Email (Allana) – 05/24/2012 08:50 AM

Dear Eric,

Thank you for your email. We are sorry to inform you that we do not have the referral contact information you seek. Please feel free to do a general web search for more information.

Sorry for any inconvenience this may cause you.

Best regards,

Allana
Customer Care Center

Customer By Web Form (Eric Carroll) – 05/23/2012

Hello, can you put me in touch with the manufacturer of the one-touch can opener?  (Email or mailing address preferred.)

I’m having problems with my 2nd one now.  It’s terrible.  The lids keep getting stuck.

https://www.asseenontv.com/one-touch-can-opener/detail.php?p=296306

Thank you,
-Eric

Question Reference #120523-000134
—————————————————————
Category Level 1: Product inquiry
Date Created: 05/23/2012 09:13 AM
Last Updated: 05/24/2012 08:50 AM
Status: Solved
Order Number:

[---001:001194:41928---]

It’s great for sitting on top of cans & doing nothing until you press the button 4 times & have 2 false starts. (Photo credit: Carol Browne)

What helpful chaps who stand behind the products they sell!

Taking Allana’s wonderful advice I tried to Google One-Touch Can Opener Manufacturer.  As you can see, there are several possible foreign manufacturing services for this tiny incredible modern convenience.  I think I have it narrowed down though, to the correct one… It appears that Daka manufactures all of the One-Touch Products.

So, I sent them an email:

From: Eric Carroll <____________@_____.___>
To: “USA@onetouchproducts.com” <USA@onetouchproducts.com>; “info@daka.com.hk” <info@daka.com.hk>; “info@onetouchproducts.com” <info@onetouchproducts.com>; “Customerservice@cricketholdings.com” <Customerservice@cricketholdings.com>
Sent: Friday, May 25, 2012
Subject: One-Stuck Can Opener

Ciao Can Conquerors!

I’m writing to you today with an issue that you must have encountered before.  I’m currently on my second One-Touch Can Opener… and it has been incapacitated by a stuck lid.  Please see the attached pictures to literally illustrate my predicament.  As you can see, the lid is still securely in the grasp of the One-Touch Can Opener.  This is not the first time that this has happened to me with this unit.  Sometimes I am able to persuade the can opener to relinquish the lid after an extra press of the button.  This time, all the extra touching is not working.  Right now I am left with what amounts to an expensive plastic and metal rock with batteries on my kitchen counter.  This can-opener-come-rock currently has no purpose (other than annoying me each time I see it).  I have only had it for a month or two.  It has fresh batteries.  Prior to it being rendered useless, it did not get much use.

I had previously owned a One-Touch can opener that eventually encountered the same problem.  I was able to look past the fact that the product named One-Touch took several touches (after many many false starts) to operate.  I was able to handle the fact that would occasionally cut tiny ribbons of the can label and drop it into my food.  The scraps were generally easy to find and pick out.  I was able to accept that it would occasionally tumble off of a can when finished removing the lid, possibly also knocking over the can in the process.  It was still a time saver when making things like my award-winning chili or my easy comfort-food nine can vegetable soup.  (Although, were I a betting man… I would place money on me being faster at opening a can with a P-38 army can opener.)

I had assumed that when I tried to forcibly remove the lid from my first One-Touch can opener I possibly broke something.  It no longer responded to my touch.  I checked the batteries.  I tried different-sized cans.  I tried to use the Force. (I tried the light side at first, and eventually the dark side.  Anger does lead to hate, just like Yoda said.  Hate also eventually led to my wallet suffering.)  All of my peaceful attempts were to no avail.  Perhaps using pliers to savagely pry the lid from the mighty grip of the mindless One-Touch was a bad idea.  I had chalked it up to me being an idiot, and resigned to just purchase a new one.

I did purchase a new one, from Bed Bath & Beyond I believe, and we have arrived at the situation which I presented at the beginning of this email.  I am left with the stuck can lid and useless One-Touch can opener in the attached photos.

I’m not exactly sure what my end game is here.  My plan was to write to you to inform you of the situation, see if there were others who have encountered the same problem, and see what you may offer as a solution.  I would say that acceptable courses of action would include (but are not limited to) the following:

• Advice as to how to properly get the One-Touch Can Opener to relinquish the can lid that it so dearly embraces.
• A new improved functioning One-Touch (if that exists).
• About $20 worth of U.S. Army issued P-38′s or other functioning non-electrical can openers.  I arrived at this figure for roughly (and I’m rounding down): $15 for the One-Touch and $5 for name-brand batteries.

Of course if you would like to offer a more agreeable recompensation, I’m open to suggestions.  I feel that I deserve at least something after two of your products have failed on me in rather rapid succession.  Surely you concur?  Most reasonable people would.

Thank you for your time and assistance.  I look forward to your reply and suggested resolution.  I’m anxious to remove the $20 plastic & metal decorative functionless One-Touch rock from my kitchen counter.

May the Force Be With You,
-Eric
.seitilibasid gninrael fo nuf ekam ot ynnuf ton yllaer s’tI

I hope I get some sort of response.  Until then, I will stick with my favorite can-opener: The P-38.  I will race a functioning One-Touch (if you can find one), and I will win.  It’s simple, small, and for the cost of one One-Touch I can get 50 of them from Ralph’s Army Surplus.  I’d even take a P-51, or an Australian FRED.  My grandma always kept a P-38 inside an old pill bottle in the drawer beside the silverware.  I learned to use that before I learned to cook, I think.

Size comparison of P-51 and P-38 openers (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

F.R.E.D. – Currently employed by the Australian Army and New Zealand Army in its ration kits. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

What kind of can opener do you use?  There is a ridiculous amount of different types of can openers out there.  May I persuade you to not waste your time or money in purchasing a One-Touch?  You will most certainly have to touch it several times.  It’s false advertising.  I feel stupid for having to have purchased two of them before I realized that it was not operator error, but a terrible product.

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I assure you, I am not McDonald’s.

It’s happening again.  I still say it’s a fail of smart phones & tablet PC‘s in their navigation of the internet.  At least I hope that’s the problem.  It could just be that some people are really not that bright. Maybe it’s a reading comprehension problem.  They see a post about McDonald’s & complaints and they hit “contact” thinking they’re somehow contacting McDonald’s, blissfully unaware that the url in the address bar is http://aixelsyd13.wordpress.com/contact/ and has nothing to do with McDonald’s.  I’m guessing that this is thanks to Google sending everyone who searches “McDonald’s” & “email” or “complaint” to me.  Maybe the magic words are “McDonald’s” & “Contact”?

Actually, my incredible WordPress site stats show me most of the search terms that people used to land on my blog today.  The culprits are most likely…

• mcdonalds.customercare@us.mcd.com (3 searches)
• ella.jones@us.mcd.com (1 search)
• mcdonalds food tv advertisement (1 search)
• mcdonalds hand washing procedures (2 searches)

As you’re reading this, can you say it with me?  Seriously, out loud.  Ignore the people around you as they look at you like you’re crazy.  Take a deep breath.  Say it with me:

Eric Carroll (a.k.a. ERiC AiXeLsyD, a.k.a. Waldo Lunar, a.k.a. Bronco Jalapeño) is not McDonald’s.  He does not work for McDonald’s.  Emails sent through the contact form at aixelsyd13.wordpress.com will not reach McDonald’s.  If I contact World (and Lunar) Domination inexplicably thinking that it is somehow related to McDonald’s (or Kmart), I will be publicly ridiculed on the internet.

I may have to put that on my contact page.  I’m guessing you won’t read it anyway if you’re crazy enough to send me an email without really reading anything else on my page.

If the stuff was coming right to my email address, I could almost understand it.  But, this is being typed into (or cut & pasted into) the contact form at my site… which looks like nothing related to anything on any McDonald’s website.  This most recent one is different in that this McDonald’s is apparently delinquent on a payment to a company that cleaned out their most likely disgusting dirty fryer.  This is much more serious than a simple screwed-up order or ignorant employee.  I’ll share it with you…

From: Jane Farrell <janef@malachymechanical.com>
To: █████████████@█████.com
Sent: Wednesday, May 2, 2012 3:08 PM
Subject: W(aL)D Feedback

Name: Jane Farrell
Email: janef@malachymechanical.com
Message / Comment: I sent you a message about Mcdonalds#14518 located at 1101 East Tremont Ave. in the Bronx, N.Y.  We went there to repair their frymaster fryer and they refuse to pay us. You sent me a email on 4/4/12 Ref#8770056 that you would send my letter to the regional office in my area. I haven’t been paid as of yet. I would appreciate it, if you could let me know if the store was contacted. Thank You so much, I do appreciate any help in getting this paid.

Jane Farrell, Malachy Mechanical
How’d you find my blog?:

Time: Wednesday May 2, 2012 at 3:07 pm
IP Address: ##.###.###.##
Contact Form URL: http://aixelsyd13.wordpress.com/contact/
Sent by an unverified visitor to your site.

Insanity.  I had to write back, didn’t I?  Yes.  Yes, I did.  I even decided to offer some help to Jane in perhaps contacting the right person or people on the matter.

From: Waldo Lunar <world.and.lunar.domination@gmail.com>
To: janef@malachymechanical.com
Cc: McDonalds.CustomerCare@us.mcd.com; info@mcdonalds.com; ny.14518@us.stores.mcd.com; mcd.14518@us.stores.mcd.com
Sent: Thursday, May 3, 2012
Subject: Re: W(aL)D Feedback [Sorry, I'm not McDonald's.]

Hello Jane,

Unfortunately you’re mistaken, as you did not contact me earlier.  I am not McDonald’s.  I have simply blogged about McDonald’s & my interactions (or attempted interactions) with them.  For some odd reason, people keep landing on my website and contacting me, thinking that I am McDonald’s.  I assure you, I am not McDonald’s.  I don’t work for McDonald’s.  I don’t represent McDonald’s.  I can’t speak for McDonald’s.  I certainly can’t pay their bills.  I do sympathize with you though, as McDonald’s apparent ineptitude knows no bounds.  I am a blogger who makes light of their insanity with my own.  If you would like to follow my journey, please see the following blog posts.  They will help to prove & reinforce that I am not McDonald’s, and perhaps bring to light your own error in using my contact form instead of reaching out again to McDonald’s.

• I AM NOT McDONALD’S - Like you, Harmony, Shirley, Amber, & Jeffrey mistook me for McDonald’s.  This post also links to my earlier correspondence with McDonald’s in case you are interested, as well as valid alternatives to actually contact McDonald’s instead of me, because I am not McDonald’s.
• I’m still not McDonald’s. - I inform Harmony, Shirley, and Amber that I’m not McDonald’s.  Harmony remains unconvinced.  I unintentionally angered local McManager, Scott Kausky.
• OK, maybe I am McDonald’s? – Harmony’s husband steps in to assure me that I am indeed McDonald’s, even though though I am clearly not.  Mr. Kausky calms down.  I create some graphics proving that I am indeed not McDonald’s, & I share a McAdventure.
• s,pןɐuopɔɯ ʇou ɯɐ ı - Really.  I laid it all out one last time for Harmony & her McHusband.  They never responded after this.  Perhaps they finally got the message?  I disclose more McDonald’s contact options, as I am not McDonald’s and contacting me does nothing but further amusement for myself & my readers.
• McConsistency is Key. – Apparently despite all the other blog posts, I’m still the place to go to complain about McDonald’s.

A bonus post, somewhat related:

• My guest post on Ya Jagoff!!! | Who Designed The Fast Food Drive Thru? Here I point out the insanity of their request to have my order ready before I can even see a menu.

A super-special extra bonus post:

• I’m not Kmart. – While I’m not McDonald’s, I’m also not Kmart.  Perhaps McDonald’s customers & Kmart shoppers are the same demographic?

Perhaps you’re not interested in my blogs, but in exchange for you taking the time to read them I am prepared to help you in your plight for payment.  I have researched several ways for you to contact McDonald’s, none of which are the contact form located at my website.  Let us go through them together:

• Perhaps you should reply to the email Ref#8770056.  I don’t know what the reply-to address is, because I am not McDonald’s.  I didn’t have anything to do with receiving or generating anything in that email chain.  Instead of replying to this email, you used my contact form.
• You could try to Tweet at the McDoanld’s Twitter Team.
• http://www.mcnewyork.com/14518 Is their page, it has limited contact information, no contact form or email address.  You can call them at (718) 824-4123 but I suppose that you have already tried that.  You could use their Apply Online form to apply for a job & try to collect once you go in for an interview.
• I see from your email address that you work at Malachy Mechanical, perhaps you have some rather large intimidating men that work for you?  You could send them over with large wrenches to look intimidating & collect payment.  The address is 1101 East Tremont Avenue, Bronx, NY 10460 and they have terrible reviews on Google.
• Try the McDonald’s Facebook page.
• The McDonald’s website has a Restaurant Feedback form that you might try, instead of my contact form.
• You could try McSucks.com and McDonaldsSucks.com to voice your concerns?
• You could try to email McDonalds.CustomerCare@us.mcd.com or info@mcdonalds.com, neither of which are me.
• I believe (630) 623-3000 & (800) 244-6227 are the phone numbers for corporate, and not me.
• Looking at the syntax of other emails, ny.14518@us.stores.mcd.com or mcd.14518@us.stores.mcd.com  may be valid email addresses.
• A Google search of ”@us.stores.mcd.com” & “New York” has also brought up these possible helpful McEmployees, none of which are me: Erin.kendrick@us.stores.mcd.com, heather.weidenbruch@us.stores.mcd.com, aaron.smith@us.stores.mcd.com, roger.curtis@us.stores.mcd.com, JOANNE.GIRARDI@US.STORES.MCD.COM, HUBLER@US.STORES.MCD.COM, james.beary@us.stores.mcd.com, tina.millette@us.stores.mcd.com
• You could try the people I’ve dealt with, but it may anger them.  I’ll let you dig their contact information out of my blog posts if that’s the route you’re going to take.

I hope that I have been able to provide some clarity, amusement, and even some actual help today (even though I am not McDonald’s).  Good luck in your quest, this is most certainly more annoying than the usual lack of ketchup packets or pattyless burger!  Have a nice day.

I am not McDonald’s,
-Eric Aixelsyd
World (and Lunar) Domination

Do you think she’ll write back?

Frymaster Fryer

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Pizza Hut actually █████████ to a █████ but then ███████ it.

I tweeted this…

They should serve sauce in these at @PizzaHut: amazon.com/Big-Mouth-Toys…—
Eric Carroll (@AiXeLsyD13) April 27, 2012

They tweeted this…

https://twitter.com/#!/pizzahut/status/195944183775756289

(They have since deleted it.)

I tweeted this…

@pizzahut Ha! THAT, you respond to… but not this… #PizzaHut #Maze http://t.co/OrPx7oUX—
Eric Carroll (@AiXeLsyD13) April 27, 2012

Of course, this was all in reference to my apparently infamous maze.  We’ll see if we get a reply.  I’m guessing not, since they deleted their tweet.

Wow.  Do they have an internal policy regarding not answering me?  Holy cow, that is so funny.  Luckily I have a screenshot show that the tweet did indeed exist.

Pizza Hut Pulls Out!

Fantastic.

I caught your tweet, Pizza Hut!  Ha ha.  You responded to me.  I win.

I almost forgot, they never responded to this either:

Do you think they "get" that it makes me poop?

I still don’t think they can tell me where, why, or how their sauce comes into contact with shellfish.

…or why it makes me poop like no tomorrow.  Perhaps they deleted their Tweet when they “got” the toilet joke.  Ha ha.

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Arby’s Tries Again…

Today there was a nice little squishy bubble pack in the mailbox when I got home.  It had my name on it and appeared to be from Arby’s again.  More neat stuff from Arby’s?  What could it be?  A hat?  A T-shirt?  An oven mitt that talks like Tom Arnold when you press a button?  (Actually, that would be pretty neat.)

Nope, this was a different kind of squishy.  I got a post card from a Cherelle Flowers at Arby’s HQ in Atlanta.  Cherelle apparently works in Arby’s Customer Relations but doesn’t communicate with Arby’s President Hala Moddelmog who just sent me an entire case of Bronco Berry Sauce.  In with the postcard where several leaking square packets of Bronco Berry Sauce:

It's a Bronco Berry Bloodbath!

I hope it wasn’t intentional.  It’s like a mini version of the horse-head scene in The Godfather.  I mean, the card is sort of impersonal, but the gesture is nice when the sentiment isn’t stained with blood red not-really-berry sauce.  It’s unsettling to open such a package.  It almost looks like a threat.

It’s a Bronco Berry Bloodbath!

I promise to wrap it better than my last gift from Arby’s if I need to mail it to you.

I’m guessing that given Arby’s’ track record, it’s not a threat and it’s yet another genuine attempt to keep a goofy customer happy.  I have no idea if this generated from their web contact form, or Twitter, or what.  I would have maybe liked a more personal letter (again like the incredible one from Ms. Moddlemog), and the United States Postal Service to have handled my package with more care.  Ha.  Handled my package.  But, I’ll settle for free stuff… even if there are only 2 unmolested packets.

I did notice it was addressed to me, and not Bronco Jalapeño.  I also noticed that these packets are rectangular… where the other ones are circles.  Clearly, there is more than one source for Bronco Berry Sauce.  Where is it my friends?  Can I find it?  Can I buy direct?  Can I get the recipe?

I need a job where I can reply to goofy emails all day, and send people cool free swag… or gooey free swag.

So, what do you think of this effort?  I have scored many awesome freebies, but I still don’t have jalapeño bites being served at Arby’s in Pittsburgh.  Is this a fail?  Do we still need a protest song?

Should I complain to the post office about this?

If you have no idea what’s going on, check out these posts:

1. Arby’s :: Bronco Berry Sauce®
2. OCCUPY ARBY’S
3. You may call me… “Bronco Jalapeño”
4. Conflicting Information from Arby’s… (Help Bronco Jalapeño write a song!)
5. Bronco Jalapeño Rides Again!
6. Bronco Scores Again!

In other news, I think I have an idea for a contest where the winner can get some Bronco Berry Sauce.  Stay tuned for details!

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So, is Taco Bell in on the joke, or not?

The other day I made a Facebook post about Taco Bell‘s commercials.  It got people excited, and it got me thinking.  Are Taco Bell’s commercials purposely aiming at stoners?  I would say yes, but maybe I’m over-thinking it.  Maybe it’s a humorous accident.  Maybe I just really want to try that Dorito taco shell.

♫♬ Late night munchies... ♫♬

I (of course) decided to write to Taco Bell and ask them about it.  Here’s what I sent…

⌓⌓⌓

From: Waldo Lunar <world.and.lunar.domination@gmail.com>
To: Rob.Poetsch@yum.com
Cc: Brittany.Hunsaker@yum.com
Sent: Friday, April 20, 2012
Subject: ⌓ Taco Bell’s Drug Culture Advertising?

¡Hola, hombres from the border!

I’ve been wondering about your advertising for quite some time.  With phrases like “late night munchies” and “fourth meal”, are you actively trying to evoke a connection to pot smokers?  That “baaaawww” yell in you jingle might as well be the word “bong”.  Now with this Dorito taco shell and the kid that drove 900 miles to get one, it’s just pushing it over the edge.  Are you planning a film for it in the vein of Harold & Kumar go to White Castle?  If not, maybe you should.

I just can’t tell if you’re aware of it or not.  It’s genius either way.

If you are aware of it, wow.  Way to straddle the subculture line while subliminally (or not so) appealing to what has to be a core makeup of your consumer base.  If you’re not aware of it, then… well, maybe you ought to talk to your advertising agency or marketing department or whoever handles such campaigns.  They are the true geniuses to behold here.

Maybe I’m just hyper-aware of nonsense or trying to make correlations where there are none… and you really see no connection or intend one with your commercials and stoner culture.  I mean, I don’t partake… but consider myself well informed as I have seen Friday, Half Baked, and several Cheech & Chong movies.  I refuse to think I’m the only one that sees it.

If I see it, surely you see it too?  Why don’t you just come out & say it?  I have some possible new slogans for you…

⌓ “Cure the munchies with our crunchies!”
⌓ “Get baked at the Bell!”
⌓ “Fishbowl then drive thru!”
⌓ “Open late with a well lit parking lot for shady deals!”

Well, that last one needs some work.  I’m anxious to hear your thoughts on the whole thing.  Thank you for your time.

Inquisitively,
-Waldo
world.and.lunar.domination@gmail.com

⌓⌓⌓

At least the employees here agree (if this is indeed real).

I’m anxious to see what they send back.  Will they acknowledge it?  Will they be shocked?  Will they act surprised?

Did they give that kid enough coupons to equal 55½¢ per mile?  That’s $500 in Taco Bell Bucks… and depending on the year of that Volvo, he might not be getting that good of a deal on the gas milage.

I know, I’m over-analyzing the thing… but that’s what makes my blog fun.

I feel like they know exactly what they’re doing, but I guess there’s a fine line between finding your market & making overt marijuana references.  Perhaps the latter would get some people up in arms.  Has weed not become that acceptable yet?  I know functioning contributing members of society that smoke… but then again I have seen some people that are consumed by it.

They don't really make tilde characters for those signs, do they?

I guess it’s still illegal… so they can’t tell you to bake up & amble slowly to the border.  Actually, a string of “get high responsibly & feed yourself at Taco Bell” ads would be really really funny… or a play on the medical/medicinal angle.  Health food to go with your special green medicine & help with that nasty glaucoma?

Do you feel like Taco Bell knows what they’re doing, or do you think it’s a string of coincidence?

Are they advertising to stoners and dirty pot smoking hippies (I use that term with affection), or am I thinking too much?

Would you drive 900 miles for a Dorito shell taco?  Would you do it if Taco Bell footed the bill?  Have you tried one?  Did you like it?

Do you get late night munchies?  Do you enjoy a fourth meal?  Are you a dirty pot smoking hippie?  Do you work at Taco Bell’s ad agency?

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Bronco Scores Again!

Well, I didn’t get Jalapeño Bites back at Arby’s yet, but I did answer a tweet from Radio Shack… and it got me a free T-shirt and some moral support for the cause!  Messing around on Twitter & insanity are well rewarded these days, I guess.

In five years, what cell phone manufacturer will have the best-selling smartphone? What will it be called?—
  (@RadioShack) April 12, 2012

@RadioShack In 5 years the best-selling smart phone will be an implant in the side of your head… made by Walmart, called the "Me".—
Bronco Jalapeño (@Bronco_Jalapeno) April 12, 2012

@Bronco_Jalapeno Nice answer! Send us a Direct Message; you've earned yourself a @RadioShack T-shirt.—
  (@RadioShack) April 12, 2012

I DM’ed them and told them of me real name and my cause.  I think more companies are engaging people personally & directly with Twitter like this, and it’s a great thing.  Who doesn’t like free stuff?

Today the mailman delivered some goodies…

Free stuff!

The card s pretty cool too!

@Bronco_Jalapeno #ThanksRadioShack...? Yes, yes he does.

Hilarious.  How fun is that?  I do need some soldering stuff, I guess it’s off to Radio Shack for the stuff next time I need it!  (I might get a couple of capacitors to mess around with.)

So, thanks to Radio Shack for being cool, for the laugh, & for the T-shirt!

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Dear Mr. Rose,

Dear Mr. Rose,

Thanks for pissing on the remaining shreds of hope that I had that there could ever be an Appetite-era lineup reunion of the infamous Guns N’ Roses.  I wasn’t hoping for a world tour or anything.  Just a 1-time set at the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame would have been gracious and exciting.

I watched as the band burned bright, then fell apart.  Illusions I & II are the sound of a band imploding, and Spaghetti Incident is the sound of a band phoning it in.  Chinese Democracy is the unsettling ranting of a lunatic.

I have read the biographies, and I have made a public plea for a reunion.  Appetite for Destruction floored me when I was a teenager.  The guitars were blaring and dancing around each other perfectly.  The drums made my heat beat faster.  The bass managed to weave it all together.  The vocals made me want to scream and yell.  Lies was absolutely brilliant.  The raw aggression of the earlier “live” tracks were the Guns, & the stripped down yet edgy acoustic tracks were the Roses.

You could have been a grown-ass-man, and set aside your ego, your demons, and whatever else is plaguing you.  You could have probably even gotten away with not showing up for rehearsal, sound check or even acknowledging the existence of the other guys off stage.  Everyone knows you’re supposedly some sort of “temperamental genius” by now, and would have let it slide.  I mean, you really never got much more than a monetary slap on the wrist for inciting multiple riots.  If you can get away with that, you can pretty much get away with anything.

It seems that you fear reuniting with the old lineup would invalidate the existence of the current lineup of Guns N’ Roses.  The only thing that invalidates the current lineup is one W. Axl Rose.  You have made it unequivocally clear that the founding members of the band who wrote the songs that you’re surely playing on tour & developed the sound that you try so hard to get away from are nothing but hired guns (pun intended) to your apparently infallible and virtually unreachable artistic vision.  Why should we put any stock in the revolving door of members that has been present since the departure of core members Duff & Slash?  Perhaps Izzy was the most intelligent of the bunch, getting out shortly after Adler was ousted.  Gilby Clarke sure was never given status as a full band member.  Even Buckethead was called out for his apparent inabilities to record or tour when he left the band.  It’s always someone else’s fault, isn’t it?  Does Dizzy Reed know any other words than “Yes, Axl”?  (Surely even you have to notice how terrible the piano sounds on live versions of “Patience” and “Paradise City“.)

By all accounts it’s Axl who was always late to the stage, Axl who left everyone hanging in Chicago, Axl & some guy that wasn’t even in the band that included a hidden Charles Manson cover on an album despite the rest of the band’s wishes, Axl who called in Paul Tobias without asking anyone else, Axl who demanded legal ownership of the band name at a time when it was impossible for the others to refuse (all aiming to keep the fans happy), Axl who put out no albums while former bands mates cranked out multiple albums from multiple projects, and Axl who consistently points out the shortcomings of his peers and former friends through some self-created veil of paranoia while never taking the time to analyze or even admit to his own self-destructive actions.

Thank you for destroying my favorite band.

I guess I do have to thank you for making sure that the last memory of my favorite lineup won’t be some half-hearted attempt at recapturing some inspirational spark or any multitude of possibly disappointing outcomes.

Former Fan,
-ERiC AiXeLsyD

Appetite for Destruction (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

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Bronco Jalapeño Rides Again!

So my friends, Arby’s is true to their word.  They said they’d send me some Bronco Berry Sauce, and they sure did.  (By the way, Bronco Jalapeño is my thinly veiled alter ego in case you haven’t been following along.)

@Bronco_Jalapeno Good news. The Bronco Berry Sauce Calvary is on the way with a personal supply!—
Arby's (@Arbys) March 26, 2012

@Bronco_Jalapeno Yes. —
Arby's (@Arbys) March 28, 2012

I walked into the house today and saw this rather large box on the couch where I normally sit.  My wife had arrived home a little while earlier, and brought it inside.  FedEx dropped it off on the front porch earlier in the day.

I saw my name, then the Arby’s logo, and I could hardly contain my excitement.

...For me?

I mean, I thrive on the ridiculous, and this is most certainly ridiculous.  This couldn’t be a box full of Bronco Berry Sauce, could it?  Indeed, it could.  Absolutely ridiculous.  Personal supply?  I mean, I like to eat but…

Yee-haw!

That is a whole lot of horses and berries!  Well, it would be… if Bronco Berry Sauce actually contained any broncos or berries.  The label on the box says that it’s 240 1.5 oz. containers of this decadently delightful dip.  It also contained this lovely letter…

Hala Moddelmog, President of Arby's

A letter from the President of Arby’s?  Hala Moddelmog rules.  I mean, I don’t see the presidents of McDonald’s, Wendy’s, or Pizza Hut responding to a crazy person on the internet with such individually directed kindness & generosity.

I’m obviously going to need help finishing this case.  It expires in June, so I highly doubt we can get through it all.  Want some Bronco Berry Sauce?  I’m willing to share what is now a rarity in our region.

I’m saddened by the news that Jalapeño Bites won’t be returning to Arby’s in Pittsburgh any time soon, but I do believe that my emails have actually been passed along.  I will pass on the Occupy Arby’s sauce sit-in.  But I still may write a song, even if no one helps me.

Perhaps the song will be the thing that puts our market managers and the marketing team over the edge.  I’ll have to write to my new friend Ms. Moddlemog, and see exactly where to direct my comments.

I almost want to build something out of them.  It looks like 1 or 2 popped (or was squeezed) open, but it’s an acceptable loss.  I mean, it was free.  We had some Bronco Berry Sauce tonight with a few Tyson chicken tenders for dinner in lieu of boring old bottle barbecue sauce.

Bronco Jalapeño’s appetite may be satisfied for now, but my quest is not over.  Arby’s in Pittsburgh, are you listening?  Bring back the Jalapeño bites!  This potato bite shenanigans is just that, shenanigans.

To follow the story from the start, check out these posts:

1. Arby’s :: Bronco Berry Sauce®
2. OCCUPY ARBY’S
3. You may call me… “Bronco Jalapeño”
4. Conflicting Information from Arby’s… (Help Bronco Jalapeño write a song!)

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The dangers of posting punk rock lyrics on the internet…

This whole thing just blows my mind.  You must read this story.  It’s entertaining and scary all at once.  It’s even oddly comforting to a certain extent… but mostly scary (and entertaining).  Sorry to make light of it all, but it’s quite amusing.  I think the author knows that, and was part of the motivation for sharing.

This is how I became aware of the whole thing…

@livefastdieawesome H E R E W E G O ! #fbi #foia

Being a fan of letters to places, and this being a big place…  my interest was piqued…

@lostheather @LIVEFASTDIEAWSM Neat! What are you requesting?—
Eric Carroll (@AiXeLsyD13) April 06, 2012

@AiXeLsyD13 @lostheather any and all files pertaining to me. Should prove interesting considering my whole LA fiasco.—
Jeff R (@LIVEFASTDIEAWSM) April 06, 2012

@AiXeLsyD13 @lostheather give me a moment, I'll send you a link—
Jeff R (@LIVEFASTDIEAWSM) April 06, 2012

@AiXeLsyD13 livefastdieawesm.wordpress.com/2011/08/28/eve… a bit of nonfiction i wrote last year—
Jeff R (@LIVEFASTDIEAWSM) April 06, 2012

@AiXeLsyD13 and that's all just part one. i havent gotten around to writing part two "The Raid" just yet—
Jeff R (@LIVEFASTDIEAWSM) April 06, 2012

@AiXeLsyD13 round II includes the FBI raiding the house that @yeahiambatman and I were living in at the time.—
Jeff R (@LIVEFASTDIEAWSM) April 06, 2012

Reading it floored me.  I mean how crazy is this story?  I can’t do it justice by framing or summarizing… Just go read it:

…even the stars are ill at ease.

I’m still waiting for part 2.  For real.

So kids, be careful quoting random song lyrics or movie lines on Facebook, Twitter, Google+, or whatever’s next.  The FBI is watching you.  Or, don’t be careful and make your next highly political crust punk band J. Edgar Twitter or Facebook’em.  Make songs titles as provoking as possible.  Maybe you’ll get some agents to come to shows.

FBI Badge & gun. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

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Conflicting Information from Arby’s… (Help Bronco Jalapeño write a song!)

So, on one hand… Arby’s is trying to placate the great Bronco Jalapeño with the promise of personal gain.  I think.  They don’t flat-out say that, but that’s what I read from it.  What do you think?

Once we get an answer from @Arbys, Bronco Jalapeño will ride off into the sunset like a true hero of the old west. Perhaps w/ a song.—
Bronco Jalapeño (@Bronco_Jalapeno) March 26, 2012

@Bronco_Jalapeno Good news. The Bronco Berry Sauce Calvary is on the way with a personal supply!—
Arby's (@Arbys) March 26, 2012

@Arbys a personal supply for @Bronco_Jalapeno, or for the entire region?—
Bronco Jalapeño (@Bronco_Jalapeno) March 26, 2012

Arby's

So they intend to silence the great Jalapeño with a free sample or some coupons?  Perhaps with just their word?  I have not received a reply to the tweet yet… and I’m not sure how they would send a supply of Bronco Berry Sauce as I don’t think Bronco Jalapeño has an address… unless they know that I am Bronco Jalapeño… (which isn’t too hard to figure out) but then again I don’t remember if I provided my address in their contact form, and they haven’t reached out to ask me for it.

On the other hand, I received this email…

From: “customerservice@arbys.com” <customerservice@arbys.com>
To: me@my.email.address
Sent: Tuesday, March 27, 2012 10:20 AM
Subject: Customer Feedback #474233

Dear Mr. Carroll,

Thank you for your comments regarding our Bronco Berry Sauce.  Our customer’s input and comments are always welcome and very important to us. We use this information to guide the decisions we make about our brand and our products. We have shared your comments with our Menu and Product Development team for future consideration. Also, Bronco Berry sauce is not available for retail sale.

 If you have any additional questions you can give us a call at 800-599-2729.

 Thank you again.

 Sincerely,
Arby’s Customer Relations

Allow me to translate a few key lines…

No hat is too big for Bronco Jalapeño!

“We have shared your comments with our Menu and Product Development team for future consideration.” means a couple of things:

“We’ve shared your comments” means that it’s off of their collective customer service desk, so they consider the issue resolved, and can blame any further lack of progress or answers solely on the “Menu and Product Development team.”

“For future consideration” means I won’t get a reply from them either, and this will most likely go ignored, completely negating the statements “Our customer’s input and comments are always welcome and very important to us. We use this information to guide the decisions we make about our brand and our products.”

Perhaps I’m too cynical.

“Also, Bronco Berry sauce is not available for retail sale” means “too bad for you!”

Oddly (or perhaps not), the # 474233 indicates a second query when I still have no answer to the first… # 473197.

I’m not sure if Arby’s communicates well internally…

@ArbysRVA Sadly, I don't think @Arbys will answer the queries of @Bronco_Jalapeno. They haven't yet anyway via email or twitter.—
Eric Carroll (@AiXeLsyD13) March 26, 2012

@AiXeLsyD13 Eric, your feedback is routed directly to the store unit, and unfortunately, they haven't responded.—
Arby's (@Arbys) March 24, 2012

@AiXeLsyD13 We will alert customer service and get some communication out to you asap.—
Arby's (@Arbys) March 24, 2012

So I’m not sure what’s up there.

While we wait for clarification, will you help Bronco Jalapeño write a song?

Once we get an answer from @Arbys, Bronco Jalapeño will ride off into the sunset like a true hero of the old west. Perhaps w/ a song.—
Bronco Jalapeño (@Bronco_Jalapeno) March 26, 2012

Want Bronco Jalapeño to write a song about #JalapeñoBites & #BroncoBerrySauce? Tweet some song lyrics!—
Bronco Jalapeño (@Bronco_Jalapeno) March 26, 2012

Bronco Jalapeño to the rescue, for fans of #JalapeñoBites & #BroncoBerrySauce! I still need some song lyrics. Tweet me suggestions!—
Bronco Jalapeño (@Bronco_Jalapeno) March 26, 2012

It can be a protest song, maybe an old west ballad folk-type thing.

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