Tag Archives: asshole

If I owned a department store chain…


Every time I go to a Walmart, Target, Kmart, etc. I’m driven slightly mad. Sure, part of it is because of the stores themselves or the employees who seem to be rather uninterested in working… But most of the problem is the other shoppers. I was going to put a percentage on it, but I’m not sure I can. I think is a small percentage of idiots with a largely negative impact. Well, idiot just implies that they’re stupid. I think it’s more inconsiderate than stupid. I’m talking about people who are generally unaware of the needs, thoughts, and feelings of everyone around them. The best word that I can think of (even though I generally try to avoid being vulgar in print) is asshole. We all know what kind of person that describes. If I owned/ran a department store, I would try to prevent the behavior that goes with this type of personality.

Parking Lot

Parking Lot

Curbing unacceptable behavior would start in the parking lot (pun intended). One of my favorite blogs calls these people “Peter Parkers.”  They’re where the problem begins.  If your jackass behavior can’t make it through the parking lot, we’ll hope you don’t even bother to come in to the store.  Whether we’re talking about people driving & parking the wrong way in one way lanes, people who park over the lines, people who don’t slow down/stop at cross-walks, or people who park in handicapped spaces or on the line-covered spaces near the handicapped spaces.  That’s just the drivers…  Don’t forget that people need to learn how to walk to their car in a parking lot too.

Crossing Guard

Crossing Guard

To curtail all of this inconsiderate conduct we’d have meter maids, crossing guards, and cameras.  I guess the meter maids wouldn’t have meters to read, they’d just be parking enforcers.  Cars parked over painted lines, at curbs, or in handicapped spaces without proper tags will be towed.  Immediately.  I’m saying we’d go after them mere seconds after it happens, perhaps as their door is being shut.  The parking enforcers wouldn’t be like the people on that TV show where they argue.  They’d just do their job.  I’d have a tow truck or two on site at all times.  I have no tolerance for people who think that rules somehow don’t apply to themselves.  (I’m talking about inconsequential rules here like how to conduct yourself in society.  I think it’s always good to question authority & what not… but that doesn’t apply here where you’re just being a self-indulgent dolt.) 

People entering & exiting the store wouldn’t have the free reign to walk out into oncoming traffic.  Somehow (here in PA at least) people have taken “pedestrians have the right of way” to the extreme, where the actual law is that they have the right of way in crosswalks.  Everywhere else, you’re fair game.  A crossing-guard would facilitate safe passage and at the same prevent a traffic jam like you get in the front of every Walmart or Giant Eagle when an endless stream of lackadaisical shoppers lumber slowly in front of you without glancing in your direction as you sit in your auto waiting for a break in the action.  If the people who like to park wherever they please or run into oncoming traffic with faith in an imaginary no-fault law somehow don’t feel welcome in my department store, then good.  We’ve successfully weeded out the first wave of assholes.  If they have learned to conduct themselves in a respectful manner while spending time in my controlled outdoor environment, then let ‘em in!

Amish parking, Cashton, 29 June 2012

Amish parking

(Oh yeah, bicycles would have their own parking lot… they’d share it with buggies & horses in Amish country, and buses would roll to the edge of the parking lot, not right to the front door causing endless amounts of chaos.)

Inside the store, we’d have checkout lines like the bank, Wendy’s, or Best Buy.  People can be incredibly ignorant when it comes to getting in line.  It’s certainly not everyone, but there are a select few who ruin it for everyone else.  See any McDonalds or Sheetz without the rope at lunch time.  It’s absolute chaos.

Queue Area

Queue Area

I know they’re not department stores… but it’s easier to see the same behavior there as it’s more concentrated.  It would eliminate getting into line behind the people who want to put things back, use expired coupons, write checks, talk on their phones, shop for everything in the impulse-buy section, or search for their method of payment long after everything is rung up.

In fact, no checks.  All it does is slow things down.  It’s 2012.  It’s almost 2013.  If you have a bank account, you have a debt card or credit card, some of them are even called check cards now.  Use it.  Don’t use that antiquated paper log-book that does nothing but slow things down for everyone.

No Checks Accepted

In my store, there would be no greeter that avoids eye contact completely or looks at you like you’re the grim reaper come to take them to hell.  Maybe there would be a robot there to say hello.  At least a robot could fake sincerity more efficiently.

Even though it doesn’t have to do with behavior exactly, the restrooms would have faucets in the sinks (with hot water) that you can fit your hands under, paper towels that are actually stocked regularly, hand dryers that actually dry your hands, and soap.  No foam soap, no hand sanitizer, no bathroom attendants to do it for you.  It might put people in a better mood if they can be comfortable.

I’m sure there are many other things I’d have to put in place, and many other bad customer behavior… but these are the ones I can think of now.

What would you do to make a trip to a department store more tolerable?  Would you enjoy it if stores weeded out the a-holes?  Are you one of the people who behaves like an a-hole by parking in the wrong spots, jumping to lines in front of people, and walking like an idiot in the parking lot?  Please, share your thoughts in the comments section below!

last minute shoppers.

last minute shoppers. (Photo credit: the idealist)

Expand Your Vocabulary


Shakespeare

Shakespeare was a dirty bastard.

You read my post about naughty words & the “R-Word”, right?  Well, to help you stop using the r-word (since I know my post convinced you to take the pledge), I’d like to try to put together a list of alternate words.  I’m really gonna need your help in the comments.  Let’s get ridiculous.  I want so many alternatives that are more fun to use that we won’t even remember the word we’re trying to replace.  If you’re easily offended by potty-mouths & naughty-bits, you might want to skip this one… or even better suggest some of your own substitutions.  You can go funny, you can go high-brow, you can go low-brow.  Just give me what you’ve got.

  • Anus  (I say this way too much.  It makes you cringe more than any other word for it…  especially if you preface it with “puckered”.)
  • Scoundrel  (This one makes you sound badass & elegant.)
  • Jagoff (Don’t be a Jagoff.)
  • Dumbass
  • Fishmonger  (Didn’t you pay attention to Shakespeare?)
  • Ass-monkey (Ass-clown, Ass-hat, Ass-face, this could go on forever until you get to Ass-ass then it’s like meeting yourself in the Back to the Future movies.)
  • Dingleberry
  • Bunghole, Dillhole, Fart-Knocker, or anything else you learned from Beavis and Butt-head.
  • Butthead.
  • Peckerwood
  • [Expletive]-nugget.  (Any of your favorite swear words will work there.  Try a few!)
  • Borrow from our friends across the pond Tosser, Wanker, Fart in a Jar, Twit, Todger, Tosspot, Arsehole, Toe Rag, Gobshite, etc.
  • Lowlife
  • Miscreant
  • Maggot
  • Dastard
  • Vagabond
  • Wretch
  • Good-for-nothing
  • Ne’er-do-well
  • Bad egg
  • Nitwit
  • Fool
  • Jackass
  • Bonehead
  • Penis-wrinkle  (Again, using the “actual” word for a body part is sometimes more shocking than anything else.)
  • Coinpurse
  • Pickle-polisher
  • …and a few that I wont list because my mother reads this.

Maybe you should get a Thesaurus.

Then again, maybe you just shouldn’t say mean stuff to people.

Beavis and Butt-head

Duh duh duh duh, duh duh duh, duh duh duh-nah!

Parking …what?


Some people will do anything to save a parking space…

Move this!

The Parking Walker in Morningside


So, the parking walker has taken root in other neighborhoods. Perhaps this will one day replace that parking chair. I certainly would have an easier time moving a chair than a walker if it came down to it. This was sent to me by my friend Jason that lives over in Morningside, it was around the corner from his place.

By the way, I did see the parking chair pile as was threatened to happen by the Dormont police. We drove by too fast to snap a photo… but I’ll try to get back there before it’s gone. No word if any walkers made it into the pile.

Dormont cracks down on the parking chair


I don’t know why, but I find these stories highly amusing.

From: http://www.wpxi.com/news/22718732/detail.html

WPXI.com wrote:

Dormont Police Tagging, Seizing Parking Spot Holders

Posted: 3:31 pm EST March 2,2010Updated: 8:31 am EST March 3,2010

DORMONT, Pa. — Using chairs to save parking spots on streets might be a Pittsburgh-area tradition, but one municipality has had enough.

Dormont police will no longer tolerate chairs on streets.

The police department on Tuesday began tagging chairs residents left to save parking spaces. Chairs that remain on the streets will be removed Wednesday and taken to the Dumpster at Banksville Plaza, police said.

Because of the recent heavy snow, the borough had tolerated residents using chairs to save parking spots, police Chief Phil Ross said.

However, when officers recently went around and put the chairs on the sidewalks, residents promptly put the furniture back on the streets, he said.

From: http://www.pittsburghlive.com/x/pittsburghtrib/news/pittsburgh/s_669619.html?source=rss&feed=7

PittsburghLive.com wrote:

Dormont begins campaign against chairs for parking spaces

FOR THE PITTSBURGH TRIBUNE-REVIEW
Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Dormont’s police department has declared war on chairs.

Dormont residents who are leaving chairs to ensure parking spaces are saved will find their chairs tagged today and picked up Wednesday, Police Chief Phil Ross said.

“I understand if you spent four hours digging yourself out you tend to get a little possessive,” said Ross, appearing at Monday’s council meeting. He said the department has been tolerant during the past three weeks due to the severe weather conditions. Recently, however, when officers put the chairs on the sidewalk, the residents later stuck the chairs back in the parking spaces.

“Maybe they thought kids were doing it,” Ross said. “The parking spaces belong to everybody and nobody.”

After the pick-up, the chairs will be left near the Dumpster by the salt pile at Banksville Plaza.

The parking chair saga continues, despite the guilt put forth by the parking walker.

The venerated Yinzer parking chair.


If you live or work in the ‘Burgh, I’m sure you’ve seen it; The lonely lawn chair sitting in the middle of a parking space.  I always thought this was a phenomenon used most heavily on the South Side… but as time goes on, I realize that it’s all over the city… Especially when we have ridiculously snowy weather.  I’m sure other cities have this phenomenon… but I’m just talking about Pittsburgh.

Looks like they even have a Wikipedia entry, and a Google search pulls up a lot of seemingly relevant links.

As you can see from andybotpgh on Twitter, the “parking chair” can be anything that takes up a space that you labored to liberate from piles of snow.  By the way, the #parkingchair hashtag is genius.

While the parking chair is certainly visible throughout the year, my focus will be in the winter months, and well, really during the last couple of days… during the Snowpocalypse 2010 storm.

Like most of you, my wife & I labored for many hours on Saturday & Sunday to clear our sidewalk, steps, and to dig out our cars from the mess that is on-street parking in Dormont.  We cleared the sidewalk, only to have a place to put the snow from on top of & around our cars, then to shovel the sidewalk again… lifting snow on to the now approximately six foot high pile of frozen white pain in the ass from above in our tiny front yard.

To appreciate the insanity that surrounded or cars…

Snowpocalypse 2010 Car Un-Burial

It was chaos.  If you’re interested, check out the more photos of the surrounding neighborhood & nearby park here.

To put the ensuing rant in perspective… I fully realize that this is not a life-threatening problem, and that I’m not the only one with storm related issues.  There were and are a bunch of people in Southwestern PA without power for extended amounts of time.  They have problems.  This is just a slightly more than mild annoyance.

It was about three hours of work shoveling the cars out on Sunday.  It was quite labor intensive… but if it wasn’t done, the cars were obviously not going anywhere.  Well, mine might have broken out thanks to the AWD… but I risked damaging those around me, so I decided to shovel.

Of course, work was to be attended on Monday.  I had stuff that needed to leave that day, so I needed to be there.  I drove Bethany to work, & then went on to my job.  After normal working hours, I drove to pick up Bethany who had made it to the nearby Giant Eagle to do some grocery shopping.  After we rounded out the last few items, checked out, and headed home… we arrived to find a white Toyota SUV parked in the spot that took about an hour and a half of hard manual labor to clear.

As you can imagine, I was angry.  I don’t get angry all that often.  I’m generally a pretty mellow guy.  I was quiet angry.  Quiet angry isn’t good… just ask my wife.

After circling the block, it was evident that there was nowhere else safe to park.  Of the spots that had been shoveled-out, they were all filled.  Some spots hadn’t been shoveled, but they were filled with about 3 feet of snow, in a pile about as big as a small car… or with the car still under the pile.  Apparently not everyone had to be somewhere yesterday.

There were some other factors that added to my anger.  If the Toyota who had parked in my space backed up about 3 feet (which there was plenty of room to do), we could have pulled Bethany’s car up, and had plenty of room to park my car.  In my house, we call this (excuse the language) “asshole-parking”.  Really, there is no more apt a description.  There are no lines on the road, so your only hope is to park relative to the other vehicles.  Some people ignore this, and park with a half a space in front of and behind their vehicle.  Perhaps this is because they’re not good at parallel parking, or perhaps it’s becuase they don’t want anyone bumping into their precious automobile.  Either way, they’re still an asshole.  A typical conversation would go like this… after I walk in the door visibly winded…

Bethany, “Wow, were you running?  Do you have to pee or something?”

Me: “No, they’re all asshole-parked out there.  I had to go to the bottom of the hill & park.”

The bottom of the hill?  What’s this, you ask?  Well, there’s a little parking lot on the cross street at the bottom of our block that belongs to the park.  People use it for overflow parking in the neighborhood… because there never seems to be enough space to park.

Why not just park there last night?  Well, for one, it wasn’t plowed out properly… and by “not … properly”, I mean not at all.  It wasn’t even attempted.  The people parked there are in their own separate snow bunkers, not near any of the other cars at all, and one winner even parked in the entrance lane to the parking lot… effectively stranding everyone in the second row of the normally 3-row lot.

I dropped Bethany & the groceries off at the house, then circled the block a few more times… fuming the entire time.  I finally settled into a space on the cross-street at the bottom of the hill that no one had bothered to shovel.  There was about a car-length of snow about a foot high, so I went for it.  The Subaru handled it without a problem, and I got a little rush from driving in the snow.

I didn’t like parking where I finally ended up, because I was the first object on the side of the road road after coming down a poorly plowed and salted hill.  I might as well have painted a bulls-eye on the back & side of the wagon.

But, my thoughts were focused on that damn white Toyota SUV that was asshole-parked in the spot in which I spent hours clearing.  I wanted to write a passive aggressive note.  Something to the effect of…  “I’m glad you were able to use the space that it took three hours of shoveling to clear”.  I even thought of typing it, and including a photo above.  Seriously.  These thoughts went through my head.  I thought of piling snow on the car, buckets of water… all the tricks.  Bethany posted her frustrations on Facebook, and it was instantly echoed by many sharing in our anger and frustration, suggesting what we ought to do to the offender… and even to the extent of  my friend Dave saying he’d come over and take care of the problem.

I noticed a bunch of parking chairs stools, and even a saw-horse on the next street over as I circled the block.  Why hadn’t I thought of that?  Again, Facebook being a great tool for the need at hand, I asked for some thoughts.

The problem is that we don’t own the street in front of the house (and neither does the landlord).  I understand this.  It’s public on-street parking, and even we need a permit to park there during certain hours, and we have a visitor’s parking pass.  This is the other problem… the Toyota had said pass for our zone, so technically, they had just as much right to that space as I do… even if it is directly in front of my residence, and we spent time maintaining it due to weather issues.

Still, on a karma level, it’s a bitch.  The general consensus is that it’s not a nice thing to do… but still, it happens.  Some people out there are only concerned with themselves.  They needed a spot, they took it… end of thought process.  Perhaps they didn’t consider that it was hand-shoveled and that I was coming home from a long day with a car full of groceries?  Perhaps they did, and still didn’t care.

Here’s where the “what about me” kicks in…  Why didn’t I put out a parking chair?  Other people do it.  It’s a known and oddly respected practice in neighborhoods all around the ‘Burgh, and apparently even on the next street over.  Or is it respected?  I don’t think I’d park in a chaired space… simply for fear of what may happen to my vehicle.  Surely though, if a situation escalated to the point where a chair was removed, the space occupied, and there was some sort of retaliation… the chair placing retaliator would surely be at fault.

Do you respect the chair?  Do you use one?  Do you move them and park in the space knowing the law is on your side?