Oh man. Does anyone remember my W(aL)D email shenanigans from a decade ago?
One such adventure was writing to Totino’s to ask if they had recommendations for microwaving more than 6 at a time. They wrote back. I asked them if I needed to arrange the rolls like wagon wheel spokes or like wagons on the Oregon Trail circling for protection. I even got some 35¢ coupons that I considered as a research grant.
Have you noticed pizza roll cooking instructions lately?
I won!Information for the people!Research to benefit the masses!
Really though. This brings up a new series of questions.
When did just arranging in “a single layer become” acceptable? Who does Totino’s think they are discarding the time-honored tradition of microwaving things in a circle? Did we learn nothing from our ancestors at Stonehenge? Did they consult the Softstix team over at SuperPretzel, or just roll forward (pun still intended) with wild abandon? How do you summon the flavor spirits without the ceremonial circle?
Has the Fibonacci spiral ever been tested as a cooking pattern? Can Ci3 make me a plate specifically for microwaving pizza rolls and little cheese-filled pretzels with the Fibonacci spiral on it?
I got 3 of these bad boys, entitling me to a whole 35¢ off of one Totino’s product. One dollar and five cents off of three Totino’s products? I’m sure I get more than that when I use my Giant Eagle Advantage Card & get them on a regular sale. Maybe Giant Eagle will double these since they’re less than a dollar… So I’ll be getting $2.10 worth of free pizza rolls. I wonder what the regular price is?
Right now, Giant Eagle has Totino’s Pizza Rolls on sale… 3 boxes for $8. They say they’re normally 3 for $10. So… About 40 rolls in the 19.8 oz. bag, 35¢ would get me 4 pizza rolls? And, I’d only be able to use one coupon with this special, as the Giant Eagle website states that you must buy 3 bags in order to get the $2 off, and the back of the coupon states that no other coupon is to be used with this coupon. Does the sale act as a coupon? If not, I could still only use the one coupon at a time… so out of 120 pizza rolls, a whopping 4 would be free?
Perhaps this was a karmic slap in the face? Maybe a well-deserved one. You’d think they would simply either not offer any coupons at all… or offer some coupons that are actually worth something… like a BOGO or at least a dollar off. Perhaps they’re just cheap, or this is all they’re authorized to give out? It cost them 38¢ to mail me the damn coupons! That would have been 4 or 5 more free pizza rolls had they emailed me some coupons. Maybe they know I’m goofing on them.
The letter accompanying the coupons is quite amusing…
When I see someone write “the internet”, I always think of the guy to the right. I have no idea why. I just do. It sounds archaic written down like that. THE INTERNET! HA! HA!
Not sure where to go from here. Do I write back, and ask for more research funding? Do I ask to talk to someone else who may be able to offer more money? Do I write to completely unrelated organizations and as for research grants? Has anyone reading this ever applied for a grant? Should I include a research proposal? Maybe I should just write back, super-excited about the $1.05, saying what a generous gift it is. Maybe I should ask to speak directly to General Mills or Totino himself? Heh. I feel confident in turning this up a notch.
Also… research will definitely go forward. I will need some time to assemble my team (although, I think I already know who’s in), procure the test product, and schedule a date for the study.
Not too long ago, I wrote to the maker’s of Totino’s Pizza Rolls(which I soon discovered was Pillsbury/General Mills) to ask about microwave cooking times for quantities of more than the reccommended 6 at a time. The answer seemed to be pretty vague, as most corporate replies are. Of course, I was determined to ask further questions — goaded onward by many of you here and on other places around the ‘net. Here’s where I’d like to share my reply to them, and of course their latest response. Thanks to Dave again for the editing help here!
from ERiC AiXeLsyD world.and.lunar.domination@gmail.com to Corporate.Response@genmills.com; Pillsbury@emails.pillsbury.com date Tue, Mar 2, 2010 at 2:39 PM subject Re: Your Response From “Pillsbury” – 2010/02/12-0715 XTB mailed-by gmail.com
Hello Ms. Boyd,
Thank you for the quick and thorough response! (Apologies if the “Ms.” should be a “Mr.”, I know the name Tracy can go either way!) In reading your response, I have a few more questions, and perhaps a proposal for your consideration. I do enjoy the quickness/convenience of cooking in the microwave versus using a conventional oven. Perhaps I should learn to use the toaster oven as a compromise?
The first thought brought to mind was that perhaps I may be doing something wrong. The instructions say to arrange the rolls in a circle on a plate. Would this be “in a circle” like spokes of a wheel, or “in a circle” like covered wagons circling around weary travelers? I haven’t ever really put much thought into it until now, thinking I may perhaps be doing it wrong as there is no picture on the box to illustrate.
I’m somewhat confused as to the 8 pizza rolls for 45 seconds, as the recommended time for 6 rolls is (I believe) 55 seconds. Typically, I go for 1:05 so that the middle isn’t still cold. I’m also aware that all microwaves are different, and may vary, so I accept that my microwave is behind the curve, if you will. I will have to try 8 rolls at a time, and may even venture into as of yet uncharted 10 or 12 roll at a time territory. I know this may be a cavalier attitude, but it’s just how I roll. (Pun intended.) I will take into consideration that it has been “highly suggested” that I cook more than 8 in a conventional oven.
Along these same lines, I’m fascinated that no more than 8 rolls at a time have been put into the microwave at once in your test kitchens. Is this really the case, or have trials involving more than 8 rolls at a time manifested disastrous results? Is there some sort of moratorium on adventurous cooking? I know that if I had access to a bunch of pizza rolls, and a bunch of microwave ovens… I’d feel it was my duty to push past the ambit of acceptability into the realm of ridiculousness.
I have bounced my ideas off of a few like-minded individuals, and we are prepared to do a public service by testing Totino’s pizza rolls in varying quantities, cooking times, and microwave ovens while making video and statistical documentation of the results. I have safety goggles, a food thermometer, hot pads, a video camera on loan, and, obviously, a microwave oven. The only thing that we require now would be copious amounts of pizza rolls.
While I’m guessing that you’re not officially able to get behind such a study, would you be able to provide coupons for the pizza rolls, or perhaps donate them altogether? Certainly the prospect of someone embarking upon new microwave cooking frontiers would be exciting not only to you, but to the scientists/chefs/technicians in your test kitchens. We would, of course, be more than happy to share all of our results, which you in turn would be able to use (or ignore) at your discretion.
I would like to thank you for your time and continued correspondence. I truly appreciate the fact that Pillsbury/General Mills takes the time to respond to its consumers’ web inquiries with real emails from real people.
Respectfully Yours,
-Eric Aixelsyd
I thought that was a pretty straight-forward email with some easily answered questions & an interesting proposal. Apparently I crossed the ridiculousness line for Ms./Mr./Mrs. Boyd, though. I don’t know why, but I read the following response with the “not amused” tone.
from Corporate.Response@genmills.com to world.and.lunar.domination@gmail.com date Tue, Mar 2, 2010 at 6:47 PM subject Your Response From “Pillsbury” – 2010/03/02-5183 XTB mailed-by genmills.com
Hello Mr. Aixelsyd:
Thank you for contacting Pillsbury with your inquiry.
In regards to your question, we have not tested for more than 8 pizza rolls at a time.
If you wish to try this, it would be at your discretion. Please note that when adding more products into a microwave to cook ( ie 16 pizza rolls instead of 8 ) and trying to adjust the cooking temperature will not harm the safety of the product, but may change the quality, such as hardening of the crust or uneven cooking, etc.
As a one time good will gesture, we will send some cents off certificates in which you should receive within 20 business days.
We hope you find this information helpful. Please let us know if we can help you again.
Thank you,
Tracy Boyd
Customer Care Specialist
Coupons! Nice. This will be a long 20 business days. I can’t believe that they’re actually sending coupons. I wonder what the amount will be? I have to do the testing now. I have officially gone past the point of no return. I must complete this absurd task… and I must do it right the first time. I’m assuming that “one time good will gesture” means that they’ve had enough of my shenanigans.
So, they definitely have not tested more than 8 at a time in the microwave. Why? I know I would. You know you would. Hopefully, with the help of my esteemed colleagues, we will remedy this situation. The world will know the limits of pizza rolls in the microwave.
Interestingly, my question about pizza roll circle placement went wholly ignored, as did the more personal inquisition as to Tracy’s gender. Not that the second one matters, but perhaps it iw what pushed the button. The circle question was quite important, though. I’m surprised that there’s no drawing on the box/bag. There are certainly illustrations out there for much more obvious sets of directions.
I can only imagine what went through his/her head as she read the “wagon wheels” line. Ha ha ha.
So, this leaves us wondering…
How did they know that safety would not be an issue but the quality would degrade if they didn’t do any testing past the magic 8?
Seriously, now… Does “in a circle” mean like spokes of a wheel, or like circling covered wagons?
Is Tracy a man or a woman?
Luckily, Tracy said “Please let us know if we can help you again.” I believe that we do again need some help. Is another reply in order here, or do we just save it for inclusion with our test results?
World (and Lunar) Domination 