Tag Archives: Moon

Just trying to clarify…


Submitted via webform to VO5.com, Alberto.com, & the Unilever US & UK sites.  Maybe I’ll get an answer eventually…

Hello Good Citizens of Earth,

I write to you today with questions about your VO5 clarifying shampoo. I have been using one of the vanilla-smelling Tea Therapy shampoos in a frosted bottle that clearly says “CLARIFYING” on the front.

While I find that the product feels great, was a ridiculously low price, and cleans my hair remarkably well (and my wife likes the smell), I believe that the product label may be misleading. I have used over half of the bottle, and I cannot see through my hair at all yet. It is most definitely not clear, and I deduce thusly that it has indeed not been clarified.

You see, my plan is to become completely invisible as soon as possible, in order to further orchestrate my plan for total world (and lunar) domination.

I had hoped that the clarifying shampoo would take care of my hair, and then I would be able to get something else to cover the rest of my body. Perhaps I could obtain that new invisible jacket that has popped up in the news. I shall set my minions upon research for that. But in the mean time… Do I need to use the entire bottle before any clarifying effects take place?

Any assistance or insight that you may offer would prove extremely valuable, and bode well for your company under my eventual complete control of the world (and moon). Once the planet is mine, I can ensure that VO5 products are the only legal hair care products in the world, and the first to be used on the moon!

Thank you for your time in reading my query and addressing the concerns of your future emperor of the Earth (and moon). I look forward to your response and expected cooperation.

Inquisitively,
-Waldo Lunar
W(aL)D.

This is an old one that I never got a response from, so I tried again.  With some help from Twitter.

I did get these so far…

From: <do-not-reply@vo5.com>
Date: Wed, Feb 1, 2012
Subject: Thank you for contacting VO5
To: world.and.lunar.domination@gmail.com

Thank you for contacting VO5.

Your correspondence is important to us. Your message has been directed to the appropriate person. If a response is required one will be sent to you shortly. As this is an automated response, please do not reply to this email.

Which roughly translates to “Blah blah blah blah blah.”

From: <UnileverTeam@unilever.com>
Date: Thu, Feb 2, 2012
Subject: Thank you for your message
To: world.and.lunar.domination@gmail.com

Dear Sir/Madam

Thank you for contacting Unilever.

Your message will be directed to the appropriate Unilever expert with immediate effect. We try to answer all communications as soon as possible, but please note that in certain cases this may take up to three weeks.

As this is an automated response, please do not reply to this email. However be assured that you will receive a personal reply in due course.

Kind regards,
Customer liaison team Unilever

Which roughly translates to “Blah blah blimey blah blah blah.”

I won the lottery? “Giveaway Team® Asia” seems legit.


I WON THE LOTTERY!  Well, according to this email, anyway.  I mean, seems legit, right?  It’s pretty awesome, because I didn’t even enter any lotteries.

From: Giveaway Team® Asia <googlegiveawayteam.asia@shqiptar.eu>
Date: Tue, Nov 1, 2011
Subject: Google Asia alert: Your information has reached us today, kindly provided the required info.
To: world.and.lunar.domination@gmail.com

The Google Malaysia Office:
Level 40, Tower 2 Petronas Twin Towers
Kuala Lumpur City Centre 50088 Kuala Lumpur
Malaysia. 
Tel : +60-103202061


Office Open 7 Days, 8am-6pm.
Date: 01 November, 2011.


Dear Winner (Googler),
You are welcome to the Google Giveaway Southeast AsiaDisbursement center here in Malaysia, I am DR. PETER AHMED, the Google Asia (Malaysia) Regional coordinator and processing officer for this year Google UK  Anniversary Giveaway Sweepstakes which was held in UK to commemorate our 13 years of existence , thank you for responding promptly to the notification mail you received from our UK Company promo announcer.Your winning details and email has reached us from our UK Office today as one of our 10 lucky beneficiaries whose claim fall within our disbursement booklet as indicated in your play coupon. Your e-mail address attached to Ticket #: 899-633/UK-11-001 with CGP # AS/MY/0010/011 drew L u c k y #: 9012-2449-4041(17) that was randomly selected by our Central Computer System under category A. This Promotion is organized by Google Organization (Australia,North America, South America, Europe, Asia and Africa) to commemorate our 13th Anniversary and also to say “Thank you” to all our regular Web Users Worldwide (who uses our Online Search Engine, our e-mail service and other online ancillary services) for joining us in expanding  the use of internet worldwide especially in ASIA and AFRICA  and also for making “Google Search Engine” & GMail the #1 Online Search Engine/Web-base Email Provider worldwide.

Please note that “No tickets were sold out” for this promotion but all email addresses were assigned to different t i c k e t numbers for representation and privacy. All participants were selected through a computer ballot system drawn from exclusive list of 200,000 extracted email addresses of individual and corporate bodies from 45 Email providers companies from Australia, North America, South America, Europe, Asia and Africa as part of International Promotions  Program, which is conducted annually.

As indicated in your play coupon, your name have therefore been short-listed to claim a total sum of £850,000.00 GBP (Eight Hundred and Fifty Thousand Great British Pounds Sterling) from a total cash prize of £40,000.000 GBP shared amongst the first forty five (45) lucky beneficiaries in world-wide. Therefore, your prize payout is £850, 000 GBP which is approximately $1,390,913 US Dollars. Your claim shall be processed from this zone and your prize (Cheque) presentation shall be done at our office here in Malaysia or through our  affiliated Bank.
This giveaway sweepstakes promotion is approved by the British Gaming Board and also licensed by the International Association of Gaming Regulators (IAGR). To begin the verification process of your prize, you are   required to read through the options of claim and fill and provide the required information below:

Payment Option/Preferred Mode Of Payment

1 – Personal Prize Pickup:

All beneficiaries under the Asia claim zone are required to come down in person to personally pickup his/her Prize Cheque at any of our disbursement locations (cash pickup centers) here in Malaysia.
Requirements documents to come with for personal prize pickup are:
(a) An International Passport
(b) A tax clearance certification.
(c) Birth Certificate or Affidavit of age Declaration
(d) Police report attesting your patriotism and crime free citizen of your Country
Note: beneficiary(s) making use of this option must send the scan copies of the above documents along with the verification required information below. Beneficiary(s) who required invitation letter for Visa application (as  the case maybe) are required to forward the above mentioned documents scan copies via email to us to enable us process an Invitation Letter which would enable him/her obtain Visa in his/her country. claim deadline for this option is exactly 30 working days from today.
Inability for beneficiary(s) to meet up with this stipulated date either due to tight schedule, Official duties/engagement etc. may result to claim disqualification as funds will be re-used for other subsequent sweepstakes. This option is recommended to all our beneficiaries to clear doubts and unnecessary thinking as regard this Promo. This is because we have had series of complaints from individuals that people are using our company name for various forms of indecent acts. Thus, as a result of this we are advising our lucky beneficiaries to come over to our disbursement office here in Malaysia for personal prize pickup at no  cost.
2 – Bank to Bank Transfer:
Beneficiaries who can’t come down for personal Prize (Cheque) Pickup and wishes to have his/her prize via Bank transfer shall be referred to our affiliated Bank in-charge of international fund transfer . This option is an  alternative mode of payment basically arranged by the entire southeast Asia giveaway team for international beneficiaries who may not be able to travel down to Malaysia maybe due to tight schedule, Official duties/engagement, none availability of travel documents etc. which may result result to claim disqualification as previously mentioned above.
Note that the Give-Away Team Malaysia exempts itself from all related expenses when making use of this option, Our duty under this option is to deposit your prize Cheque (after issuance has been made in your favour) along with all claim backup documents (to be processed by this office) with our affiliated Bank for clearance and remittance to be carried out to your nominated bank account. This option is liable, affordable and basically designs for international beneficiaries who cannot visit us for person prize pickup.
====VERIFICATION REQUIREMENT====
***Complete the form below and send it back to us immediately via email***
First Name :…………………………………………………………………………………
Middle Name :………………………………………………………………………………
Last Name : ………………………………………………………………………………..
Date of Birth(YYY-MM-DD) :………………………………………………………….
Sex/Occupation :………………………………………………………………………….
Marital Status :……………………………………………………………………………
ADDRESS :…………………………………………………………………………………..
City/State/Province :…………………………………………………………………..
Country of Resident/Nationality:……………………………………………………
Telephone Number(s): ………………………………………………………………….
Mobile Number(s):………………………………………………………………………..
Fax Number(s):…………………………………………………………………………….
Winning E-mail: ……………………………………………………………………………
Alternate E-mail:………………………………………………………………………….
Date of Notification:……………………………………………………………………..
Ticket/ Lucky Number:………………………………………………………………….
Payment Option/Preferred Mode Of Payment.
Option 1: Personal Prize Pickup  {Yes/No} :………………
Option 2: Bank to Bank transfer  {Yes/No}  :……………….
We advice you on at this point to keep this information confidential until your prize is completely redeemed by you ,This is part of our security protocol to avoid double claiming and impersonation by an unauthorized persons or companies which may automatically disqualify you from your prize claim.
For any question please call us on +60-10-320-2061
Once again accept our sincere congratulations!!
Sincerely,


DR. PETER AHMED.
Regional coordinator/Processing Officer,
Google Southeast Asia Disbursement Center

Metrodate is your local singles dating resource online

So, I tweeted..

Then wrote back…

From: Waldo Lunar <world.and.lunar.domination@gmail.com>
Date: Tue, Nov 1, 2011
Subject: Re: Google Asia alert: Your information has reached us today, kindly provided the required info.
To: Giveaway Team® Asia <googlegiveawayteam.asia@shqiptar.eu>

Hello Dr. Ahmed!

I was unaware that I had entered any lottery.  What an exciting proposition!  Unfortunately, I am no longer a citizen of any formally recognized nation, and a personal pickup may be an issue.  I have currently used most of my life savings to fly myself to the lunar surface, and need what little I have left to have supplies ferried back & forth while I continue my quest for world (and lunar) domination.  This financial windfall comes at the perfect time, and assures me that whatever deity in which you believe is on my side.

I understand that it is not your duty to pay for getting the money to me, but perhaps we can make some financial arrangement where you agree to be paid out of a portion of my winnings.  I trust that you will find this arrangement satisfactory, as I will eventually be the Emperor of the Earth (and Moon) and you probably want to stay on my good side.  I may let you continue to run state lottery operations on the moon.

Of course, once I’m in control, 70% of the money gained from the lottery will go directly to me, 30% to the winner, and of that 15% will be paid back to us in taxes.

Here is your verification form:

====VERIFICATION REQUIREMENT====
***Complete the form below and send it back to us immediately via email***
First Name : Waldo
Middle Name :
L-ia (pronounced “Leh-dash-ee-ah”)
Last Name : Lunar
Date of Birth(YYY-MM-DD) : 10/31/1980
Sex/Occupation : Yes/Your Future Emperor
Marital Status : 13 wives & counting.
ADDRESS : 1313 Mockingbird Lane
City/State/Province : Sea of Tranquility, Waldominia
Country of Resident/Nationality : The Lunar Empire
Telephone Number(s): I abhor the telephone.
Mobile Number(s): Ditto.
Fax Number(s): None.  It is 2011.
Winning E-mail: world.and.lunar.domination@gmail.com
Alternate E-mail: worldandlunardomination@yahoo.com
Date of Notification: 11/01/2011
Ticket/ Lucky Number:
Ticket #: 899-633/UK-11-001 with CGP # AS/MY/0010/011 drew L u c k y #: 9012-2449-4041(17)
 

Payment Option/Preferred Mode Of Payment.

Option 1: Personal Prize Pickup  {Yes/No} : No.

Option 2: Bank to Bank transfer  {Yes/No}  : No.

Option 3: Personal Delivery by Lottery Officials  {Yes/No}  : Yes!

I can’t wait to go tweet about my Google lottery winnings!  My minions will be ecstatic.  We were deciding who will be eaten first were we to run out of money and supplies.  If we need to eat someone before the prize is claimed, perhaps we’ll have our own lottery!  I’m not sure if it will be as exciting as our current Rock, Paper, Scissors, Lizard, Spock tournament, but general Zod will be relieved as he’s currently at the bottom!

Thank you for your congratulations & your cooperation!

Respectfully,
Your Imperial Majesty Waldo Lunar
Future Emperor of the Earth (and Moon)
World (and Lunar) Domination

They were apparently unamused, as I have received no further replies.  They will not be allowed on the moon.

ComputerHotline - Lune--06-08-3 (by)

W(aL)D

God’s Spam


Full Moon view from earth In Belgium (Hamois).

W(aL)D

Sometimes,  like to reply to spam emails.  I really wish this author would have written back to me.

From: Mrs.Linda Vells <sheryely@aol.com>
To:
Sent: Thursday, October 20, 2011
Subject: Re: GOD’S PROJECT

Dearest Friend ,
I am Mrs.Linda Huspage Vells from Netherland, I am 68 years old, I am suffering from a long time cancer of the breast, from all indication my conditions is really deteriorating and it is quite obvious that I can’t work or do any stressful thing, according to my doctors they have advised me that I may not live for the next two months, this is because the cancer stage has gotten to a very bad stage. I was brought up from a motherless babies home was married to my late husband for twenty years without a child,
My Husband Huspage died in a fatal motor accident before his death we were true Christians. Since his death I decided not to re-marry,I sold all my inherited belongings and deposited all the sum of USD$4.6 Million dollars with a Bank in London. Presently, this money is still with the Bank and the management just wrote me as the true owner to come forward to receive the money or rather issue a letter of authorization to somebody to receive it on my behalf since I can not come over because of my illness.
So instead of getting it confiscated I rather have someone whom I can trust to receive the funds and utilize it according to my wishes. And the best part of it is, the Bank told me in the letter that they can have the funds released to my approved person .
Presently, I am using my laptop in the hospital at Germany where I have been undergoing treatment for my sickness. I have since lost my ability to talk and my doctors have told me that I have only more 2 months to live.
It is my last wish to see atleast 60% of this money is
invested/donated to any organisation/buisness of your choice and distributed each year among the charity organization, e.g. the poor homes, the motherless babies home where I came from, the deaf homes, and churches etc and 40% will be for your Well doing.
All I seek for is a God fearing person like you ,who will carry out my last wishes and before I emailed you today i prayed and the holy spirit gave me the confidence to send you this email. I took this decision, before I rest in peace because my time will soon be up. As soon as I receive your reply I will give you the contact of the Bank in London.
Please send me your Full name,full Address,Age,Occupation and phone no.
All I need from you is a confidential assurance that the funds when received by you will be used for the said purpose, Nowadays there are so much scams going on in the internet and it is difficult to trust but I don’t know why the Holy spirit still approved me to email you about this out of few email addresses I have from the internet, yours was the only one that my mind convinced me to contact.
Waiting for your reply.
Yours in Christ,
Mrs.Linda Vells

Of course I was interested.  Invoking God, motherless children, and Cancer in this not-quite Nigerian Scam?

From: Waldo Lunar <world.and.lunar.domination@gmail.com>
Date: Thu, Oct 20, 2011
Subject: Re: GOD’S PROJECT
To: sheryely@aol.com

Hello Mrs. Vells,

Thank you for taking the time to write.  What an exciting opportunity God has in his plan for us!  I am sorry to hear about your breast cancer and the passing of your husband.  I have yet to have any children, but I do have a plan for world (and lunar) domination that I consider dear to me like it were a child.

I do not mean to question the work of the Holy Spirit… but you can forgive me if my skeptical side sees this as perhaps some sort of scam?  I have heard that there is no cancer in the Netherlands because of all the fish in the diet.  I’m also suspicous that your email address, “sheryely@aol.com“, doesn’t look anything like your name.  How do I know that this isn’t the work of the devil?  Lucifer is a tricky one!  Also, one does not become ruler of the earth (and moon) by being too trusting, if you know what I mean.

I do not feel comfortable divulging my full name, full address, age, occupation & phone number.  I would have to assume that were one on a true mission from God (like the Blues Brothers) that he would have provided you this information in addition to my email address.  I will share my occupation…  Your Future Emperor of the Earth (and Moon).  I don’t have an address currently recognized by any government (save for Monaco, Nauru, and Lichtenstein), and on top of that there is no postal service here in the Sea of Tranqulity.  I’m on the lunar surface overseeing the survey process in order to build the first Chick-fil-A on the moon.

Perhaps you can put the cash in an envelope, and leave it at a drop point where I can pick it up upon my return to earth?  This really is your best course of action.  With the current state of banking in the United States, I don’t want to risk such a large transfer to my US-held accounts.  I also don’t want the government to slap me with a gift tax.  I’ll need funding to keep my minions happy, and eventually all material wealth will be mine anyway.  As my grandfather used to say, “Why piss in the face of progress?”  Your donation will be appreciated!  Do you want to see if my minions can put your head in a jar, like the celebrities on Futurama?  Perhaps it can be arranged.  I’ll need an overseer of the state approved religion, and someone with direct communications to God really would fit the bill.  Please consider my offer for decapitated immortality!

Then we could work together on your plan to eliminate the poor houses, deaf houses, and motherless children in the name of the church.  We may also have a management position open at Chick-fil-A.  I will put in a good word for you.  They dig the religious thing.

Now we need a good drop point in Germany… perhaps somewhere near a beer garden?  I do love to drink beer and wear my lederhosen!  I’ll leave it up to your best judgement, and I’ll pick it up whenever you tell me it’s ready.  I would like some of it in small bills though… as to not annoy the Chick-fil-A when I place my orders.  I prefer to communicate via email, it’s the only reliable form of correspondence here on the moon.

My pleasure,
-Waldo Lunar
World (and Lunar) Domination

A series of Chick-fil-A trucks at the Airport ...

Do you have lunar-surface tires?

Pandora’s Lunchbox


Heh.  Twitter is fun.  So, you may know that I have my W(aL)D Twitter account, and I use it to be goofy.  I think I re-opened the Subway door here.  Mayhaps this time I’ll get some sort of resolution?

Today, Subway Freshbuzz tweeted the following…

Does anybody else out there try to save half of their $5 Footlong for a 2nd meal, only to be called back by its delicious siren song?

So, I posted this in response…

@subwayfreshbuzz Nope. Not when 1 bite is a potential trip to the E.R. thanks to cross-contamination in the food-prep area.

Tonight, I have this in my Direct Message box…

subwayfreshbuzz Thanks for the feedback. It would be great if you could let us know more about this incident on our cust. service page  http://bit.ly/bhSAn

Well, at least I have someone paying attention!  I sent them a link to my original complaint to Subway, but I’d like to list the whole saga here… in case I need them to refer back to the message trail at some point…

Five. Five dollar. Five dollar… foot up your ass.

• October 28, 2009 • 8 Comments (Edit)

Subway Customer ID: 1918316

• October 29, 2009 • 7 Comments (Edit)

Quiznos writes back before Subway!

• November 12, 2009 • 8 Comments (Edit)

So, we have a response from Subway! – Not really a response, if you ask me…

• November 13, 2009 • 2 Comments (Edit)

The Quiznos Toasty Torpedo™ and the diminutive hand model…

• November 17, 2009 • 3 Comments (Edit)

“You never told me you spoke my language, Doctor Jones.”

• November 18, 2009 • 3 Comments (Edit)

If we’re keeping score, that’s Subway 1 and Quiznos 3½. – No doubt.

• November 20, 2009 • 3 Comments (Edit)

Subway®: “First, allow me to apologize.” – Again, this really wasn’t a nice response, or a response at all…

• November 24, 2009 • 4 Comments (Edit)

Allergies, Alliteration, and Annoyance.
– I had to take it somewhere else.

• November 25, 2009 • 6 Comments (Edit)

Allergies, Annoyance, Alliteration, & Acceptance

• December 21, 2009 • 1 Comment (Edit)

Subway®: “First, allow me to apologize.”


So, I fired off two more emails…  One to Subway, and one to my new friend Mr. Jones at Quiznos.  No response from Mr. Jones yet, but we do have one from Subway.  I’ll share it all below!

OK, so email one, to Subway:

From: ERiC AiXeLsyD world.and.lunar.domination@gmail.com
To: “Bridenbaker, Mack” m.bridenbaker@sfaft.org
Cc: Paula Gomez gomez_p@subway.com; Kevin Kane kane_k@subway.com; Anna Marie Seeley seeley_a@subway.com
Sent: Mon, November 23, 2009 10:24:20 AM
Subject: Re: Subway [
Customer ID: 1918316]

Hello Mr. Bridenbaker,

It’s been over a week since your email to me saying that Ms. Gomez would address my concerns and I’ve yet to see any sort of response.  I still haven’t had a reply to my initial message to Ms. Seely, or  from anyone on your team.  I’m disappointed in the lack of comment overall, my first message which was sent on Oct. 28th has still gone unanswered.

I now understand why the employees in your stores have an “I don’t care” attitude.  It trickles down from the top, and certainly must be passed on in franchise owners, hiring, & training.

I’m amazed at your total lack of concern for the decline of your once championing establishment.  I should perhaps pass on my shellfish allergen and cross-contamination concerns to some allergy awareness groups.  Perhaps allergy awareness lobbyists will warrant some attention.  Everyone I know already hates Jared and the $5 footlong commercials, so I don’t need to push the issue on that one.  The concept of cheese tessellation will obviously elude the average sandwich artist from now until the end of time, so we have no hope there.

Perhaps in copying Quiznos’ idea of toasting subs, you should also adopt their business model in using better quality ingredients and customer service policies.  I have had a continued dialog with them regarding your lack of customer service and their seemingly misleading Toasty Torpedo ads with the very tiny hands.  They proudly stand behind their ads (however creepy), their innovation, and their customer service.

Not signed.  On purpose.  Notice all the Cc’s, everyone hates that… I don’t care who you are.   I tried to poke at every issue and make empty useless claims about allergy awareness groups, and I brought up that Quiznos is the trend-setter while noting that they’re also not perfect.

And, on a friendlier note to Quiznos, I decided to reveal my intentions to an amicable Mr. Jones:

From: ERiC AiXeLsyD world.and.lunar.domination@gmail.com
Date: Mon, Nov 23, 2009 at 9:22 AM
Subject: Re: The Quiznos Toasty TorpedoT ads?
To: “Jones, Tony” TJones2@quiznos.com

Thanks Tony,

I must confess, I do have a blog and I have been chronicling my email escapades there.  I like to play them as part consumer advocacy, part humor and all goofy.  I used to write snail mail letters, but email has made it so much easier & faster.  Some friends have encouraged me to keep writing, so I have.  I really enjoy the open & honest dialogue that we have going on, and appreciate that you stand behind the product & integrity of your company… and take the time to respond to emails such as mine.  Also, you obviously have a sense of humor, which has to be a “must” for any kind of customer interaction.  I’m sure you get goofier emails and phone calls from actual crazy people.

I’m intrigued at your suggestion that I get into consulting or franchise journalism.  Do you know how I would even go about this?  Would I need to obtain a degree in something?  I hope to grab followers to my blog just for amusement, but am unaware as to how to make it a profitable venture, ha ha ha.

Thank you once again for your time, I’m actually waiting to hear from some of your Quiznos colleagues, and Subway has still not given me a response beyond “someone will respond”… not that I’m at all surprised by that at this point.

Rock on!
-Eric

Hopefully he writes back in a positive light, and still finds all of this amusing.  Still waiting for further comment from his other colleagues, none of which have really delivered so far.

And, now, the fun part… Subway’s response (or lack thereof):

From: asksubway@subway.com
Date: Mon, Nov 23, 2009 at 3:03 PM
Subject: Subway
To: world.and.lunar.domination@gmail.com

Monday, November 23, 2009

Dear Mr Aixelsyd:

First, allow me to apologize. Secondly, I would like to thank you for taking the time to contact us and share your comments.

At each SUBWAY® restaurant, it is the goal of every owner; manager and employee to produce each sandwich and salad properly made to order.

Our customers provide us with valuable input, which we use to improve our operations. Your comments were shared with the regional office in your area as well as the owner of the SUBWAY® restaurant that you have visited.  Since all restaurants are individually owned and operated it is the owner who would be the person to contact you in response to your concern.

I have gone ahead and copied our Training Department so that further lessons can be addressed with owners and their employees on proper handling.

Again, I appreciate you taking the time to contact us. SUBWAY® looks forward to your continued visits.

Sincerely,

Paula Gomez

Heh.  “First, allow me to apologize” not followed by an apology is extremely profound, and hopefully intentional.  Then, she thanks me for writing, probably through gritted teeth.

This line reeks of copy & paste:  “At each SUBWAY® restaurant, it is the goal of every owner; manager and employee to produce each sandwich and salad properly made to order.”

And, I love the long winded “it wasn’t me”/”it’s not my fault”/”it’s not my problem”:  “Your comments were shared with the regional office in your area as well as the owner of the SUBWAY® restaurant that you have visited.  Since all restaurants are individually owned and operated it is the owner who would be the person to contact you in response to your concern.”  Basically, she’s telling me that I’m being ignored by a lower level.

“I have gone ahead and copied our Training Department so that further lessons can be addressed with owners and their employees on proper handling.”  With what?  Cross-contamination?  Cleanliness?  Cheese tessellation? How to reply to customer emails?

SUBWAY® looks forward to your continued visits” …so we can spit in your food?  Did she read my emails?  Perhaps this whole thing is just a reading comprehension issue.  I find it amusing that the e Subway spokesperson declined to comment.  Perhaps now is the time to move into old-school W(aL)D mode, and reply that Subway will not be allowed on the moon when I’m emperor.

Are there any psychologists or psychiatrists out there reading this?  I’d love to get your take (…if you can tell me without telling me what my own problems are, ha ha ha).

If you haven’t been following,you may want to check out the back-story rundown here:  If we’re keeping score, that’s Subway 1 and Quiznos 3½. That should explain the last email, and at the bottom there’s a rundown of all the ones that came before it (with links) if you’re interested.

Also… lots of people have been telling me they’re following… by word of mouth, or Facebook, or Twitter, and even via text message… but I beg you, if you’re reading… post a comment here, and others may have a comment about your comment.  I see by the stats that people are reading.  Don’t be shy.  We’re all friends here.  Except for you, people at Subway… Except for you.

Customer ID: 1918316

Fan Mail?


From: ERiC AiXeLsyD world.and.lunar.domination
Date: Mon, Nov 23, 2009 at 12:44 PM
Subject: Re: W(aL)D [Fan Mail?]
To: Tommy Horner tommyboy489

Dear Mr. Horner (a.k.a. The Moon),

I have it on good authority that you are indeed made of green cheese… and that you are most definitely not the moon. I will reserve any comments on your equatorial radius and lack of testicles. While I am indeed old, science progresses at a rate where age may be rendered irrelevant in the near future… thus ensuring more time for me to complete my total World (and Lunar) Domination.

If you keep up this behavior, you will most certainly not be allowed on the moon.

Although, I’m guessing from my blog stats that you have been one of the people exploring my old W(aL)D files. Too bad the beginnings were wiped out in one of the great PittsburghBeat.com crashes. For this studious devotion, your feeble attempts at threatening me will be forgiven. Perhaps one day, you can work up to a position of merit in the W(aL)D army.

Perhaps I need to ramp up the efforts to my World (and Lunar) Domination campaign? Maybe I will need to enlist some generals once again to help in the effort.

I also appreciate your taking the time to write to me, and encourage you to comment on the blogs that you find amusing. There’s no need to login. Just pop in our name, email address, and a URL if so inclined. Use Gravatar or a WordPress account if you want your photo to show up.

Your future Emperor of the Earth (and Moon),
-ERiC AiXeLsyD
W(aL)D

On Mon, Nov 23, 2009 at 10:59 AM, Tommy Horner tommyboy489 wrote:

The Moon
238,855 Miles away, and rising in the East
Earth, Milky Way Galaxy 27743

Dear Mr. AiXeLsyD,

I, For one, am highly offended by your eventual plans to dominate both myself, and the Earth. First of all, may I remind you that my Equatorial radius alone is 1,738.14 km. Roughly 0.273 Earths. Dominating me is out of the question, for I am bigger than you and wars on the Moon are settled by spirited rounds of Roshambo, South Park style (The Moon receives comcast cable). I have no balls, therefore defeating me is virtually impossible. I also often refer to myself in the third person, which makes the Moon awesome by default. In Conclusion, give up your silly dreams. You are too old for a human, and in your attempt I shall crush you!

Sincerely,

The Moon (Ya Dig?!?)