I’m just sayin’.
From: Waldo Lunar <email@example.com>
Date: Fri, Nov 4, 2011
Subject: New Catering Advertisement Opportunities!
To: & Cc: A bunch of Panera & Boston Market Employees
Hello friends at Boston Market & Panera Bread,
I assume that the lack of response to my last email about an all-out catering battle at my house was ill-received. I didn’t get any interest from either camp, or even any kind of acknowledgement of my email. Not even a coupon. Isn’t that the typical response? “Throw ’em a coupon!” Color me disappointed.
No reply is rather rude, don’t you think? Batman movie night has come & gone. We dutifully provided a favorable dining experience to our guests thanks to an incredible local pizza shop. Roasted red peppers as a pizza topping? A hit all around, I tell you! Subs with a homemade feel cut in to bite-size appetizers were also quite delicious.
I’m not sure why neither Panera Bread or Boston Market was willing to enter my catering battle royale. It would have been an exciting opportunity for both of you. I realize now… that you need help with forward thinking. You missed this opportunity to advertise your catering and fight for my dollar.
I believe that I may have come around to your way of thinking. Perhaps I need to fight for your dollar. I previously saw advertisements on the pop machine and all over the windows as borderline obscene… but why stop at the border, friends? Let’s trample the border, deface it on our way through, and not look back! I have some ideas that you may find attractive. I really look forward to your feedback. (Don’t give me any shenanigans about unsolicited ideas and what-not, we’re all friends here.)
- Advertising on the napkins. You already do it on the receipts, walls, & windows. Subway uses their napkins for nutrition information. Show them up, advertise! Think of all that clean wasted ad space ripe for the slinging of your delicious wares. Were one ambitious, this could extend to the “to go” sandwich wrappings, the fancy new plates that you’re both using, and even the trays. Hell, why not the drink cups?
- Guerrilla advertising. You could have employees go into your parking lot at regular intervals, and put flyers under the windshield wipers of cars. If you really wanna get crazy, try bumper stickers! People would love decorations on their autos.
- Me. Send me a T-shirt that advertises your catering services. I play in a band. I’ll wear it to shows. The throngs of bar patrons who rock out with me on a regular basis will be sure to flock to the nearest Panera Bread or Boston Market location. I might be able to convince my band-mates to do the same. If we’d like to get really crazy, may I offer to sell my forehead as a billboard?
- Paystubs. Your employees get paid right? Get that money back! Advertise your catering services on their pay-stubs, and any communications that you need to send. There’s room on that W2 envelope for a 10% off catering coupon.
- Right on the food itself. This is the one that excites me the most! You’ve seen the toasters that produce an image of Darth Vader, and the irons that brand your initials on to a steak, right? There are also printers that print right on things like rice paper & cakes. Why not take advantage of this technology? Think about it. Full color printing on wraps? Toasty images on buns, bread, & bagels? Delicious meat branded with confidence, demanding that you pick up a catering menu. It’s never been done. It’s opulent. It’s genius. (If I do say so myself.)
So, what do you think? Can I help in this new advertising adventure? These are the next steps in the evolution of promulgation. Let’s move onward and upward, into uncharted catering promotional territory. It will be an onslaught to the senses, and an influx in revenue for all involved. I’m excited for this venture, and especially excited to get some feedback from everyone involved.
[ -YOUR AD COULD BE HERE- ]
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