Hello Good Citizens of Earth,
I write to you today with questions about your VO5 clarifying shampoo. I have been using one of the vanilla-smelling Tea Therapy shampoos in a frosted bottle that clearly says “CLARIFYING” on the front.
While I find that the product feels great, was a ridiculously low price, and cleans my hair remarkably well (and my wife likes the smell), I believe that the product label may be misleading. I have used over half of the bottle, and I cannot see through my hair at all yet. It is most definitely not clear, and I deduce thusly that it has indeed not been clarified.
You see, my plan is to become completely invisible as soon as possible, in order to further orchestrate my plan for total world (and lunar) domination.
I had hoped that the clarifying shampoo would take care of my hair, and then I would be able to get something else to cover the rest of my body. Perhaps I could obtain that new invisible jacket that has popped up in the news. I shall set my minions upon research for that. But in the mean time… Do I need to use the entire bottle before any clarifying effects take place?
Any assistance or insight that you may offer would prove extremely valuable, and bode well for your company under my eventual complete control of the world (and moon). Once the planet is mine, I can ensure that VO5 products are the only legal hair care products in the world, and the first to be used on the moon!
Thank you for your time in reading my query and addressing the concerns of your future emperor of the Earth (and moon). I look forward to your response and expected cooperation.
This is an old one that I never got a response from, so I tried again. With some help from Twitter.
I did get these so far…
Date: Wed, Feb 1, 2012
Subject: Thank you for contacting VO5
Thank you for contacting VO5.
Your correspondence is important to us. Your message has been directed to the appropriate person. If a response is required one will be sent to you shortly. As this is an automated response, please do not reply to this email.
Which roughly translates to “Blah blah blah blah blah.”
Date: Thu, Feb 2, 2012
Subject: Thank you for your message
Thank you for contacting Unilever.
Your message will be directed to the appropriate Unilever expert with immediate effect. We try to answer all communications as soon as possible, but please note that in certain cases this may take up to three weeks.
As this is an automated response, please do not reply to this email. However be assured that you will receive a personal reply in due course.
Customer liaison team Unilever
Which roughly translates to “Blah blah blimey blah blah blah.”