Narrator: “Up next on Guitar Hoarders; Jim, 48, a self-professed ‘Blues Lawyer’ from Oaklahoma is going through a divorce due to his recent failure to remove 27 partscasters from his bathroom, leaving his soon-to-be-ex-wife to do her business in the rose bushes out back.”
Narrator: “Jim’s wife, Tonya, thought the rented apartment two towns over was for another woman, but it was way worse than she could have imagined. It was full of Chibsons and falsely advertised ‘Lawsuit Era’ LP copies that were actually nothing of the sort.”
Tonya: “I wish his browser history had said PornHub or RedTube, but no… it was all Reverb, eBay, ShopGoodwill, Craigslist, and the lowest of the low… local & national guitar forums on Facebook!
Don’t even get me started on LetGo and OfferUp. I wish I had found Tinder or even Grinder. That, I could deal with.”
Narrator: “Tonya did at least see a bright side to all of the madness.”
Tonya: “I mean, I guess at least it wasn’t Reddit.”
Jim: “I guess I don’t need that many guitars. I mean, I don’t get to play as often as I like. Most of my time is spent online explaining to n00bz how tone wood makes a huge difference, why I think Gibson is overrated and how they have gone downhill, the best types of wood for a fretboard, you know… the important stuff. There are some real idiots out there. How can you have fun if you’re not getting the best possible tone from your fingers?”
Narrator: “Jim is seemingly unaware that he has a problem.”
Jim: “GAS? No, never heard of it. Wait, is that the psychobilly jam-band that plays every open stage night at Free Beer Tomorrow over in Tulsa? No?
Anyway, did you know that Slash’s Les Paul that he used on Appetite for Destruction wasn’t even a Gibson? And now they endorse him? I mean. If you don’t know that, you shouldn’t even be allowed to play Guitar Hero.”
Tonya: “I’m currently living with my sister. Her husband plays the bass, so he can’t afford to have a hoarding problem.”
Jim: “That guy? He doesn’t even know the difference between active and passive pickups. Heh.”
Narrator: “At this time, Jim refuses counseling. He thinks they can work it out.”
Jim: “I was teaching her how to play, but Mel Bay is so dumb. We re-started with a ‘Top 50 riffs of all time’article form an old guitar magazine out of my pile. I mean, there are only 8 notes, right? Or is it 12?
I was trying to tell these guys at the county fair that they were playing the riff for ‘Lay Down Sally’ wrong, but you just can’t tell some people things. I have a tabographic memory. That’s where you can instantly remember every guitar tab that you have ever seen.”
TLC, I have another TV show for you. This is a comment from a guitar group gone awry because I amuse myself way too much. Who wants to do a YouTube sketch comedy show for a very specific audience?