Stuck in the middle with you…


Make sure you can get the whole way through an intersection before you actually go through it.  I see these dingleberries every weekday morning.  I use the word dignleberry because they cling to automobile in front of them.  Please, study the illustration of the offending intersection by Bing Maps & mad paint.NET skills:

Don't be a dingleberry.

Don't be a dingleberry.

To drive the point home, what you’re seeing is my path (the green arrow) and the wrong path (the red arrow).  The yellow outline is the zone where you should not be when my light turns green.  Let’s call that zone the clean wipe zone.  There are two lanes headed in my direction.  The left lane is where I need to be, the right lane is where most of the red path dingleberries are going, so they can get up on the major highway close by.

One major dingleberry always ends up straddling the inside lane, clearly inside the clean wipe zone.  Sometimes the dingleberry has a friend that sneaks behind, straddling the lanes coming towards me.  That’s super dingleberryish.  Don’t be a dingleberry!

(Dingleberries in the clean wipe zone cause incredible discomfort, and sometimes bring out horn-honking traffic trolls.)

If you end up in the clean wipe zone when my light is green, you are a dingleberry.  There may be several reasons for the offending action…

  1. You’re an idiot and you weren’t paying attention.
  2. You think you can squeeze through.
  3. You’ll do anything to get through your light, not caring if you’re blocking traffic going the other direction.

I have solutions for all of these problems…

  1. Pay attention, idiot.
  2. You obviously can’t, judge better next time.  When it doubt, don’t.
  3. You are not more important than the throngs of others on their way to work.  Why block a whole bunch of them?

Are we clear?

It’s called “right of way”, you anuses.


People consistently drive incorrectly, illegally, and dangerously at more than a few intersections that I travel through on a somewhat regular basis.  I’d like to deal with them all eventually, but let’s just start with one at a time.  I’ve talked about this kind of stuff before, and I’m not saying that I’m the perfect driver or never do anything wrong with my vehicles… but this kind of stuff is covered in the PA driver’s manual, isn’t it?

The first intersection that I’d like to deal with has a clearly marked right-of-way, but it’s apparently not clear to all drivers licensed by the great Commonwealth of Pennsylvania.  First a description of the intersection in question thanks to Google Maps & my mad paint.NET skills:

Can you find all of the STOP signs?

Can you find all of the STOP signs? ( Hint: There's just 1.)

Does this really need any explanation?  Of course it does, or I wouldn’t be here ranting about it.  The green arrows are the path I usually take.  I chose green for my arrows, because I’m obviously always right.

Red arrow path people… I’m talkin’ to you.  I’ve seen you all try to pull out in front of me, no matter which green-arrowed path I’m taking.  You sit there, eking forward as if to tell me you’re interested in playing intersection chicken, or simply that you don’t quite comprehend that I don’t also have a stop sign.  To channel Dr. Seuss;

I don’t have a stop sign going up the hill,
I don’t have a stop sign going down the hill.
I can spot stop signs with such skill,
It must make you very ill.
I don’t have a stop sign going around the bend,
I don’t have a stop sign like you, my friend.

In case it’s unclear, the stop on the sign indicates that you are to sit there until all others in the intersection (with the right-of way) have gone though.  Which unfortunately for you, in this instance, is everyone except you.

CROSS TRAFFIC ⇆ DOES NOT STOP

...but YOU do.

Maybe they need an “opposing traffic does not stop” sign or something to the same effect there (if there isn’t one already).  Maybe we need someone to stand there, and hand out printed copies of instructions on how to navigate the intersection successfully …or even just a copy of this blog post.

Please, stop crowding forward when the tiny section of road gets backed up at that light in the morning.  Please, stop making faces at me and throwing your hands wildly into the air like I have wronged you in some way as I come up the hill around the bend to the left.  Please don’t cut me off as I’m waiting in the backed-up traffic to get to the light.  I don’t have a stop sign.  You do.  I didn’t cut you off.  I’m driving correctly, you’re an anus.

(We don’t use that word nearly enough.)

I’m pretty sure this is illegal. (Driving advice for horn-honking traffic trolls.)


I’m pretty sure this is illegal, but I see it happen all the time.  Can someone of authority weigh in on this?  Opinions are of course welcome, but if you’re going to claim why it’s legal/illegal… you have to give me some kind of backup.

Let me describe the scenario with the help of an illustration thanks to Paint.NET, Google Maps, & a Google image search

This is a dick-move.

This is a dick-move.

We’ll pretend I’m the blue car, behind the white truck, and in front of the little yellow bastard.

The white truck is trying to make a left at the light, only problem being (use your imagination here) a flurry of automobiles in the other 2 oncoming lanes coming forth with less than a car-length in between them, and at a speed well over the posted 25MPH limit.  (Never-mind that here the middle lane switches traffic directions depending on the time of day – that’s a whole different ridiculous issue.)

Of course, the truck is forced to stop in what I would like to consider the middle of the intersection, causing frustration to rise exponentially for each halted vehicle behind the pale horse of immobilization.

As the truck plays the waiting game, and I hone my skills with the Force trying to will a break in traffic to allow him (or her) to turn and more importantly get out of my way… the impatient arrogant bastard behind me decides to honk the horn.

Honking the horn when one is stuck in traffic is the action of a self-absorbed angry little person.  A honk is expected & appropriate if someone cuts you off, someone’s sitting at a green light, or backing into you.  A honk is inappropriate when everyone is stuck, & no one can go anywhere.

Now, I know this indignant troll of a human being wanted me to take the path of the green arrow above… which is a common Pittsburgh driving move.  I’m sure it happens elsewhere too, but it’s quite common around here.  I believe said move is not only illegal, but also quite dangerous.  I know passing on the shoulder is discouraged if not illegal, and doing it in the middle of an intersection isn’t the best idea.

It’s dangerous for the following reasons if you must know, traffic troll:

  • Someone in the inside oncoming lane could also be making a left, not see me coming around the side of the truck, and we plow right into each other.
  • The truck decides he’s (or she’s) had it with waiting to make a turn, and plows ahead in frustration as I move around & try to merge into that lane.
  • Someone from the road on the right may be coming to the intersection to make a legal right on red while it’s obvious that oncoming traffic is at a stand-still.
  • A final sequence, however unlikely… the light changes while I’m going around, and someone comes from the left straight through their way, and smacks into the side of me.

If you think of any other reasons why it’s a bad idea, please let me know.  If you can show me a link where the laws concerning such vehicular interactions reside online (especially for PA), I’d love to pass the link along to the honking trolls out there.

If you’re a traffic troll, I’d like to express to you that all you’re doing is putting the person in front of you in danger, as well as potentially yourself, and adding to the aggravation levels of everyone around you… when they’re already sufficiently aggravated.

This has been brought to you as a public service announcement warning against the dangers of traffic trolls.  I’m sure PennDOT and the State Police would get behind this if they read my blog.

You’re not a traffic troll, are you?