Conagra Ruins Christmas.

Well, the tweets from before were apparently incorrect. The La Choy teriyaki variety that I liked has been discontinued. I emailed Conagra via webform and found a bunch of names and tried to garner email addresses online, which worked on at least 2 counts. I also got some replies from various grocery stores.

No one tried the maze though. You read my email, right?

Here are my replies from Conagra:

From: Conagra Consumer Care consumer.care@conagra.com
Date: Tue, Dec 19, 2023 at 1:03 PM
Subject: LA CHOY Consumer Care Response: Case # 06631637 [ ref:!00D800cIJR.!500QU02afd0:ref ]
To: [me]

Hello Eric,

Thank you so much for taking the time to reach out to us regarding the La Choy Teriyaki Sauce. There was obvious passion in your correspondence, both for the former product you preferred and for the current product that does not meet your expectations. We’d like to offer some background and what we hope is a worthy alternative.

Previously we produced both the La Choy Teriyaki Marinade and Sauce that you enjoyed, and the La Choy Teriyaki Sauce and Marinade. With two similar sauces available, earlier this year we discontinued production of the La Choy Teriyaki Marinade and Sauce. We work with grocery stores and other retail partners to optimize our product assortment. Through these conversations, we often need to make decisions about discontinuing products. These are difficult decisions, as we know a discontinued product can be a disappointment to consumers.

We appreciate your candid feedback on the current La Choy Teriyaki Sauce and Marinade. This feedback was shared with our brand team and will go to our internal culinary team as well. Every piece of consumer input is valuable to us.

Within the Conagra Brands portfolio, we also offer PF Chang’s Home Menu, and we hope their Teriyaki Sauce is one that you’ll enjoy. PF Chang’s Home Menu is inspired by the tastes and high-quality ingredients of PF Chang’s bistros. The Teriyaki Sauce is part of a collection of sauces we introduced a few years ago, and if you’re interested in trying it, we’d be happy to send you a few bottles. If this would be ok, please reply to this email with your complete mailing address, and if applicable, please include the Unit or Apt. #.

Thank you again for your loyalty to the La Choy brand and the time you spent providing us feedback. Both are appreciated.

Sincerely,

Julie
Conagra Brands Consumer Care

Case: 06631637

1-800-722-1344

http://www.conagrabrands.com
Conagra Brands * Chicago, IL 60654

From: Conagra Consumer Care [consumer.care@conagra.com]
Sent: 12/11/2023, 1:43 PM
To: [me]
Subject: LA CHOY Consumer Care Response: Case # 06631637 [ ref:!00D800cIJR.!500QU02afd0:ref ]

Hello Eric,

Thank you for reaching out to Ms. Schaefer’s office to let us know you were a fan of our LA CHOY TERIYAKI MARINADE AND SAUCE.

From time to time we reformulate our product recipes, this also includes how consumer preferences change over time. Unfortunately, it’s no longer available but we’ll make sure to share your comments regarding your request to bring back the older formulation with appropriate personnel.

If you have any further questions, please don’t hesitate to contact our supervisors at 1-800-722-1344, between the hours of 9:00 A.M. and 4:00 P.M. CST, Monday through Thursday, and between the hours of 9:00 A.M. and 1:00 P.M. CST, on Fridays. Please give reference number 06631637 to the supervisor who answers your phone call. If a supervisor isn’t available, please leave a voicemail with your name and reference number. A supervisor should return your call within 48 business hours.

Thanks again for taking the time to share your feedback.

Sincerely,

Julie
Conagra Brands Consumer Care

Case: 06631637

1-800-722-1344

http://www.conagrabrands.com

Conagra Brands * Chicago, IL 60654

They really don’t get that I am never calling them. This is why I write goofy emails.

And updates via X:

So, I recently received an email from Comagra saying that the good version is no longer available.

Who is right, them or you?

— ᗡʏꙅ⅃ɘXiA ƆiЯƎ 🎸 (@AiXeLsyD13) December 19, 2023

I no tpe suh gewd.

Thank you for replying. We're unable to provide the recipe as it is proprietary but appreciate your interest in our products. Thank you again for taking the time message and enjoy your week.

— Conagra Brands (@ConagraBrands) December 19, 2023

And the only good responses from a grocery store…

From: Guest Relations guest.relations@target.com
Date: Mon, Dec 11, 2023 at 4:12 PM
Subject: Your Inquiry to Target.com Executive Offices
To: [me]

Hello Eric,

Thank you for contacting Target about your experience. I received a copy of your email from our executive offices along with a request to reach out.

Thanks for asking about this “La Choy Teriyaki Sauce and Marinade” we understand you are interested to know if we carry or plan on carrying this. I do apologize, but we do not have this item available in our assortment and at this time we do not have any additional information to share regarding future availability. To view the wide variety of other Teriyaki sauces we do carry please click here.

We appreciate you reaching out and sharing interest with this item. I’ll be sure to share your comments with our buyers.

Sincerely,

Mercedes

Target Guest Relations

Executive Contact Team
http://www.target.com

From: Melissa (Fresh Thyme) support@freshthyme.zendesk.com
Date: Sat, Dec 9, 2023 at 10:50 AM
Subject: [Fresh Thyme] Re: La Choy Teriyaki Sauce & Marinade
To: [me]

Your request (26880) has been updated. To add additional comments, reply to this email.

Melissa (Fresh Thyme)

Dec 9, 2023, 9:50 AM CST

Dear Eric,

Thanks for reaching out! The products available at our stores may differ by location. To find out if your local store carries (product name), you may visit our website http://www.freshthyme.com and search for any of your desired products.

I will forward this to the Store Director for the Bridgeville, PA store location for you as well.

Thank you for being a Fresh Thyme customer!
Melissa
Fresh Thyme Customer Care

Nothing from Giant Eagle, Walmart, or Shop’n Save.

You should try to solve the maze, & then post it & tag me on social media. I’m @AiXeLsyD on pretty much everything.

Or, you could buy my book or some merch.

Seriously, what happened in a month?

One last message from Levin?

Have you read about our experience buying a recliner from @levinfurnituremattress? (Levin Furniture and Mattress/Levin Furniture and Mattress)

Catch up here before I drop the latest communication from them: https://wp.me/pwqzc-3eo

🪑

I would love to hear your thoughts on how they or I could have handled the situation better.

I don’t feel they owe me anything at this point.

Where should we go to buy a couch? Are any furniture stores better than the others?

My requirements are:

• It must be delivered, I don’t want to pick it up or assemble anything.
• I want to see it & sit in it first. (Our current couch was bought online, sight-unseen, and is a dud.)
• The store has to be able to actually hit promised delivery dates.
• I’m stuck on a nice HIGH back after seeing a few.

🪑

Here’s the latest from Levin:

🪑

Eric,

     I completely understand where you are coming from.  I apologize that we failed to get your correct chair delivered to you during this time. I am the person that called your wife about the Facebook post. I wanted to reach out to you to apologize and see what I could do to help the situation.  When we fail to meet our customers’ expectations, we want to make it right. 

     I know you said you weren’t sure what we could do at this point, but I feel we need to take ownership of our mistake and acknowledge your feelings. On behave of Levin Furniture I apologize for the mistake and the inconvenience this caused you during your recovery. That is a true heart felt apology, I treat customers the way I would want to be treated. I think sometimes we get desensitized and need to be reminded that people have other things going on in their lives and just owning our mistakes and saying I am sorry can make a difference. 

    I know you said you do not want to shop with a us. But if you would like to give us another chance in the future, please let me know and I will see we take care of you. If there is anything I can assist you with, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me.  

    

Best Regards,

 Kelly Matyas 

  Customer  Experience Manager

🪑

Should I write/call back?

Actual footage from a staff meeting about my recliner.

Well, I 𝘸𝘢𝘴 done with Levin. Then they emailed a customer satisfaction survey. 🤣

Well, I was done with Levin. Then they emailed a customer satisfaction survey. That triggered me again. Here’s what I sent back. Then I dug up as many corporate names as I could, and their email syntax. I know some landed, because about three minutes after I hit send they were calling my wife.

Here’s what I said:

💻

Hello Friends,

I recently had what we’ll call a horrendous experience with Levin Furniture.  I had vented about it online, and moved on.  Until my wife forwarded me the customer satisfaction survey.  That took some immense lack of self-awareness on your part, so I am hoping with this missive to make you a bit more aware.  The following is what I typed up & sent along with the 3 1-star answers to the survey.  I thought I would look up some email addresses and get it in front of as many eyes as I could.  I will also copy the salesman that my wife dealt with who never replied to her email inquiring about delivery.

Already sent was the following:  

On Saturday September 9th, my wife & son went to Levin and a few other furniture stores to purchase a powered recliner for me, to help with post colo-rectal surgery recovery.

Looking online at our options and various price ranges, I knew I wanted a chair that had a cup holder, phone charger, and storage pockets… as I was not sure how mobile I would be post-op, and was quite frankly uncomfortable going into surgery.

I would have gone to view them myself, but that happened to be in-between my second and third ER trips & hospital admissions in 4 weeks stemming from a burst pocket of diverticulitis and a nasty ensuing abscess and infection.  I was in poor health, and in no mood to deal with furniture sales tactics.  I can even provide photos of the CT scans and the drain sticking out of my right but cheek if you like to be grossed out.

My wife ordered an Ashley Model Next-Gen DuraPella Power Recliner SKU # 2200413, mainly because Levin promised to deliver before La-Z-Boy & Value City could on very similarly optioned & priced items.  Remember that “before” qualifier as you digest (pun intended) the following paragraphs.

In hindsight, it was a largely false promise on the part of Levin, one that if I were a pessimist would assume is a regular practice on the part of your sales team.

The chair was promised to be delivered by Sept. 19th.  That Tuesday came & my wife logged in to the website to see the delivery was now scheduled for Thursday Sept. 21st, and we had no communication on that change from Levin.

On Thursday, my wife called the delivery number, then the store to ask about the chair’s whereabouts.  She talked to an Anna who said the original salesperson, Jared Chambers, was “new” and “didn’t know he had to schedule the delivery.”

My wife also emailed jchambers@levinfurniture.com on Sept. 21st to inquire about the delivery, but as of yet has not received a reply.  We can forward that unanswered email if needed.

Despite this excuse smelling of total and absolute bovine feces, Anna told my wife that they could “squeeze us in” that Saturday the 23rd for delivery.  Were we the first order where this was discovered?  If not, why wasn’t it rectified sooner?  Does Levin train all new employees this poorly?  You don’t really have to answer that last one.  It was rhetorical.

Saturday the 23rd came and two nice men delivered a recliner to us.  Once they brought it in & put it together, I noticed that it does not have the cup holder, phone charger, or storage pockets.  It happened to be an Ashley Model 5930213 Power Recliner @ $1349.99, completely not what we ordered.  It was not the same model, SKU #, or price.

The guys sent photos to their boss, their boss contacted Levins, & Anna called my wife.

We tipped the guys $20 and they took the nice new recliner away.

In that conversation with my wife, Anna then blamed an incorrect tag or sku # being on the display model in the showroom.  She also used the phrasing that it was “no one’s fault.”  This incensed me, as it obviously was the fault of Levin employees on multiple levels.  Who tagged the chair with the wrong tag?  Who double-checks their work?  The salesman did not confirm that what he was ordering matched the floor model?  This is not “no one’s fault,” this is a tragic comedy of careless errors.

My wife asked Anna at that time if we could purchase the floor model, as time was of the essence.  Anna said she would call back.

We went to Big Lots! in Washington PA that evening to look at couches.  Yes, we need a couch, and Levin is off the table for what I believe to be quite obvious reasons.

Anna had still not called my wife as of around 6:00 PM, so my wife called her.  Anna said we could have the floor model if we came and got it.  Now, I am in poor health with restrictions on lifting, my kids are young, we have a vehicle classed as a station wagon, and my wife is a strong woman, but I would not ask her to move a recliner herself.

You would think the salesman and or store manager eager to make good on a sale, would have delivered the damn thing in a pickup or something.

Customer service is dead.

No concessions on price were offered from Anna.  My wife asked for some form of compensation for our aggravation, and at first the only offer was to refund the original delivery fee… for the WRONG CHAIR.  Crazy us to assume it would be a given to not pay for that.  I believe we got half off of the 2nd delivery, and were refunded the difference between the original incorrect, more expensive chair, and the correct less expensive one.

If your profit margins are so small that you cannot automatically offer a few hundred dollars off on this purchase or even on a future purchase, you perhaps need to rethink your entire business model.

The correct recliner was finally delivered on Tuesday Oct. 3rd.  This was a full two weeks after it was promised, after the dates when we could have received a recliner from your esteemed competitors, and 3 days after I was released from the hospital.after surgery.

Did I mention that we set our old chair out for the trash the Thursday night prior to the initial incorrect Saturday delivery?  

I would like to ask you to imagine having a foot-long section of your colon and rectum removed, your remaining section of colon & rectum stapled together, a wound vac hanging on your side connected to a tube from an incision above your belly button, and a bulbous drain hanging out of your side right at your waistline.

That makes sitting anywhere uncomfortable.  Imagine, if you would, a nice stressless recliner to ease the situation…  because I can’t.

Some other person did leave a voicemail for my wife after I left a frustration-venting rant & a comment or two on Facebook, but that was the night of my colon-cleanse.  If you’ll forgive the mental image, we already had enough crap to put up with.

Honestly though, for that attention-grabbing shenanigans to be the ONLY thing that triggered some sort of response, you were well past the too little/too late threshold.

Your people skills are abhorrent at the sales and service levels, and your corporate level customer service is merely reactionary to online “bad press” only to save face, not serve actual customer satisfaction & retention.

I actually applaud your testicular fortitude in reaching out with a customer satisfaction survey.  It either takes massive ignorance or massive swagger. And you already know where I believe you fall on the scale.

I was pretty much done with it all through, after leaving my review on Google Maps and my blog, until that came through.  Bravo.

I now intend to send this to every level of your corporation that has eyes.  May the best of them find work elsewhere, and may the worst of them stay to drive you further into the ground than the last time you were there.

Thank you for your time, and may whatever deity you ascribe to have mercy on your soul,

-Eric
—

aixelsyd13.wordpress.com

💻

I neglected to note we tipped the 2nd set of delivery guys $20 too. But, if they don’t even pretend to care about the customers, they certainly don’t care about the employees, right? While we’re on the subject… was that appropriate, or cheap? I try to check in on these things occasionally.

After Kelly Maytas at Levin left my wife a Voicemail, I got this email…

💻

Eric,

    Thank you for reaching out to us and letting us know about your experience. We aim to deliver a great experience and are disheartened when we don’t. We will use your feedback to make us better.

     I apologize for the inconvenience and the stress this has caused you. I personally would like to speak to you about your experience and respectfully apologize and take ownership of our failure to deliver a great experience. I know you need to rest, but at your convenience can you please give me a call at 330-###-####. 

Best Regards,

 Kelly Matyas 

  Customer  Experience Manage

💻

I took the time to send this back…

💻

Thank You Ms. Maytas, 

Not sure if you got just the survey response, or the email that I tried to send to a handful of people after researching names and email syntax online.  

I am really not sure what you can do at this point for us.  

I suggest you get your Robinson store in order… from tagging furniture properly, to sales reps understanding the product, your procedures, or setting up deliveries in a timely manner, and customer service reps that understand what apologizing really is.  Only then can you maybe knock it out of the park for future customers.  

We are in desperate need of a new couch, but not that desperate.  I feel like your team has not only burned but nuked the proverbial bridge, and I concede that I worked on that from my side of things also.  I  am not a fan of phone calls, I prefer the written word.  I also prefer retailers that automatically offer discounts on current or future sales without having to be asked.  Again, we’re past that.

Unless you’d like to suggest a competitor that will actually deliver a quality product on time?

Good luck to you in righting the ship at Levins, as your tenacity in reaching out speaks to the fact that you will stay the course!  I wish that we could have dealt with you on the store level instead of when it reached a wild level of ridiculousness (again, the online shenanigans are all on me – but it shouldn’t have taken that to garner attention).

I appreciate your time in reaching out!  I like you, unlike your seemingly dimwitted and soul-crushed coworkers.  Perhaps they need a pizza party or two for morale?

Please enjoy some of the free mazes at my blog, or buy my book!

Your Friend,

-Eric

💻

What do you think will happen next? Are we done here? Oh yeah, this is the now infamous chair…

Thanks, Ashley.

Pepperidge Farm Adventure Maze

So, right before new years, I went on adventure looking for mini cocktail rye breads from Pepperidge Farm. They used to make one called Jewish Rye, and Pumpernickel.

The Jewish Rye was cool because it contained ground caraway seeds instead of the standard whole caraway seeds. I have had bouts with Diverticulitis, so I try to stay hydrated & avoid tiny sharp seeds. Caraway absolutely ruins sauerkraut, but it is good in rye bread.

Pumpernickel is cool because it essentially is named for the devil’s farts… and if that’s not cool, I don’t know what is. This is also code in my household for “I am always right.” I told my wife the name origin behind it, she said there was no way, Googled it… and, like I said… I am always right.

Did they just stop making those little mini seedless cocktail rye bread things? They are increasingly hard to find every new year. Struck out at Kuhn's & Shop 'n Save, @GiantEagle has been a miss the last few years. Maybe @FreshThymeFM?

— ᗡʏꙅ⅃ɘXiA ƆiЯƎ 🎸 (@AiXeLsyD13) December 31, 2022

I know that the other manufacturer, S. Rosen, make cocktail-sized rye and pumpernickel bread… but the rye is not seedless. Apparently Hanky Panky means something entirely different in some parts of Ohio.

My wife likes to make this stuff for New Year’s that’s like swiss cheese, lemon-pepper, and mayo on the cocktail-sized Jewish Rye then toasted in the oven. It’s delicious. I like to make little mini open faced Reubens. The pumpernickel would be an acceptable alternative if I absolutely can’t find the seedless rye.

Because I’m weird and can’t leave anything alone, we have this…

Hey there, Eric. We're sorry to hear you're having trouble finding our Party Rye and Pumpernickel Bread. Unfortunately, we have discontinued it. We will be sure to let the team know you were looking for it. https://t.co/7lhEBw42Iu

— Pepperidge Farm Cares (@PFCares) December 31, 2022

So, do I need to send them a maze to convince them to bring back cocktail-sized seedless rye or pumpernickel bread? https://t.co/V2pJnvURcS

— ᗡʏꙅ⅃ɘXiA ƆiЯƎ 🎸 (@AiXeLsyD13) January 1, 2023

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Eric Carroll (@aixelsyd13)

I, of course, posted it on Twitter, Instagram, & Facebook. I tagged Pepperidge Farm & Pepperidge Farm Cares. To their credit, they did reply:

Hi there, we're sorry to hear this! Unfortunately, this variety is no longer available. We will pass along to our team that you want to see them return.

— Pepperidge Farm Cares (@PFCares) January 23, 2023

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Eric Carroll (@aixelsyd13)

I did tag all the stores that I could in the photo on Instagram and Facebook, but none of them have taken the bait.

I had to turn it up a notch, to which they did not reply:

All of that just says:

Hello,

I was wondering if anyone had time to try and complete my maze while considering bringing back cocktail-sized Jewish Rye.

The ground caraway was awesome, because it isn’t a potential diverticulitis disaster like whole seeds are.

My wife wpuld [sic] use it to make this delicious lemon pepper cheese appetizer, and I like to make tiny Reuben sandwiches and pretend I am a reformed King King that no longer has to eat people sacrificed to me on Skull Island.

The mini pumpernickel is cool just because of the etymology. I mean? It has to be the most metal bread out there. 🤘

How can you discontinue such wonderful things?

Also, AI generated art seems to be the cool thing these days, so I tried to make this on a few different ones to go along with the blog post:

I may have to buy a gorilla suit and make some tiny Reubens with the S. Rosen bread… and convince the wife or kids to take my photo.

Or, I may have to make a maze for S. Rosen, featuring a caraway seed that must make the journey through my guys without getting stuck, causing inflammation & a possible infection. Or maybe it has to make its way through a grinder before beign added to the dough & baked?

@SRosens1909 So, do you guys make a seedless cocktail rye bread, or just the Pumpernickel (the most metal of all breads! 🤘💨)?

I know the big PF dropped the ball and you picked up the slack. Bravo!

— ᗡʏꙅ⅃ɘXiA ƆiЯƎ 🎸 (@AiXeLsyD13) January 26, 2023

I doubt than anyone at Pepperidge Farm or Pepperidge Farm Cares is going to complete my maze. But, if they do, you can thank me later.

As far as discussion here, which I always ask for yet rarely get in the comments, let me know what you do with mini cocktail rye or pumpernickel bread.

Also… Ler’s discuss Reubens. Russian or Thousand Island? Regular rye or marbled? Do you add anything like bacon or swap out corned beef for Pastrami? Do you ever use Havarti instead of Swiss? Grilled in a pan, or on a panini press? I should blog about Reubens. Mmm. I’m hungry.

Also, please, please, complete the maze! Send me the results, post & tag me!

The most important takeaway is that if I tell you something, I am always right. Pumpernickel.

Spalding Responds. Sort of.

I mean, at least they pretended to care. My review finally went live on Amazon. Wonder if anyone will find it helpful?

• ⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ 🏀 Great hoop, 🤬 to assemble. Please, fire your technical writers & graphic designers.
• https://www.amazon.com/gp/customer-reviews/R3CEMYGKGCTNXR?ref=pf_vv_at_pdctrvw_srp

Got this seemingly automatically generated super polite “thanks, but go [fornicate] yourself” email:

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Eric Carroll (@aixelsyd13)

Politely worded, no further need for follow up on their end. Bravo.

I also reached out via FB Messenger and DM on Twitter. Got this through Facebook, nothing from Twitter:

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Eric Carroll (@aixelsyd13)

Shenanigans abound.

Danke Daka

Did you read about my trouble with the One-Touch Can Opener?  How about my attempt at emailing them in Chinese?  Well, sadly they wrote back, and it’s quite boring.

The word is…

From: info info
To: Me <_____________@_____.___>
Cc: info <info@onetouchproducts.com>
Sent: Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Subject: Re: One-Stuck Can Opener

Dear Eric,

Thanks for your email.

For the can opener issue, please try to press and hold the reverse switch at the rear of the can opener.

The cutter will move in the reverse direction to the start position and the can lid will be released.

You may also check the instruction manual for trouble shooting ways.

Please download and keep the user manual from our website (as per below link) for your reference.

http://www.onetouchproducts.com/CanOpenerll.htm

Should you have any questions, please feel free to contact us.

Best Regards,
One Touch

There’s a reverse switch?  The answer is that simple?  I’m so disappointed, I haven’t even tried it yet.  Why not mark the switch?  I don’t remember the thing coming with instructions!  Bastards.

There may be a slight language barrier here, and a large cultural one.

Also, I decided to further my communication with Astrid at Bed Bath & Beyond.  Apparently this was going too far…

From: Eric <_____________@_____.___>
To: Bed Bath & Beyond <bedbathandbeyond@mailnj.custhelp.com>
Sent: Wednesday, May 30, 2012 1:19 PM
Subject: Re: PRODUCT INQUIRY [Incident: 120525-000501]

Thanks Astrid,

We’ll have to go with the store credit then.  This is absolutely not a problem.  I always want to buy many things every time we’re in a Bed, Bath & Beyond.  Do you have a favorite can opener, or other cool kitchen gadget?  Perhaps we could get that.  Maybe some time my wife & I could have you over for dinner & we can use our new can opener.  What’s your favorite canned food?  I generally prefer fresh vegetables over canned… but I do like to make chili with a lot of canned ingredients.  Do you like chili?

I’d like to suggest that you guys carry P-38’s.  They really are useful, and don’t have any moving or electrical parts that can break or get stuck.

I like chili served over mashed potatoes.  I like mashed potatoes.

Rock on!

-Eric

I have as of yet not received a reply.

I like them.

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Bed, Bath, Above & Beyond. Daka & One-Touch refuse to answer.

Google Translate (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

如果我尝试在中国吗？ (That’s “What if I try it in Chinese?” or “If I try in China?” according to Google Translate…)

Well, I never got anything from our friends at Daka about the One-Touch Can Opener that won’t relinquish the lid.  So I decided to use Google Translate to try & express my frustration in Chinese through the wonders of technology.

The added opening line is…

Hello, going to try in Chinese (with the help of Google Translate) because I haven’t had a reply yet.

Here’s what it gave me…

你好，去尝试在中国（谷歌翻译的帮助下），因为我还没有答复。

你好能征服者！

今天我写信给你，你必须有遇到过的问题。目前我是我的第二个单触式开罐器…它已被卡住盖子无行为能力。请参阅所附的图片，从字面上说明我的困境。正如你可以看到，盖仍然是牢固地掌握在单触式开罐器。这是不是第一次，这已经与本单位发生。有时，我能够说服放弃后，一个额外的按钮按盖子的开罐器。这个时候，所有的额外的感人不能正常工作。现在只剩下我与数额是多少，我的厨房柜台上的电池昂贵的塑料和金属摇滚。这可以大开眼界来岩目前有没有目的（以外恼人的我，每次我看到它）。我只有一两个月。它具有新的电池。在此之前它毫无用处，它并没有得到多大用处。

我以前曾拥有 单键开罐器，最终遇到同样的问题。我能看过去的事实，产品名为单键操作了几个涉及到很多出师不利后。我是能够处理的事实，偶尔会削减微小的，可以标注彩带和拖放到我的食物。的下脚料，一般很容易找到，并挑选出。我是能够接受的，它偶尔会倒下了，一个能完成后，取下盖子，也可能在可以敲的过程中。它仍像我获奖的辣椒或轻松舒适的食物9 CAN蔬菜汤，做的事情时节省时间。 （虽然，我投注的人…我会放在我的钱，在一个P-38的军队打开了一罐开罐器更快。）

我曾经以为，当我试图强行从我的第一个触盖子开罐器我可能爆发的东西。它不再回应我的接触。我检查了电池。我尝试不同大小的罐。我试图使用武力。 （我想在第一道曙光，并最终黑暗的一面。愤怒确实恨，就像尤达说。的仇恨也最终导致了我的钱包的痛苦。）我和平的企图都是无济于事。也许用钳子野蛮撬从盲目单键的强大抓地力的盖子是个坏主意。我粉笔我是一个傻瓜，辞职只是一个新的购买。

我买一个新的，从床Bath＆Beyond的，我相信，我们已经到达的情况，我在此电子邮件的开头介绍。我离开卡住所附照片的盖子，并在无用的单触式开罐器。

我也不知道是什么，什么我的游戏结束在这里。我的计划是给你写信通知你的情况，看看是否有别人谁也遇到同样的问题，看看你可以提供一个解决方案。我想说的行动可接受的课程将包括（但不仅限于）以下：

如何正确地得到单触式开罐器放弃的盖子，它深深地拥抱的建议。
一种新的改进功能的单键（如果存在）。
价值约20美元，美国军队发出的P-38或其他运作非电动开罐器。我来到这个大致的数字（和我向下舍入）：$ 15为单触式和5美元的名牌电池。

当然提供更同意recompensation，如果你想，我很开放的建议。我觉得我应该得到的东西，至少你的产品对我的失败而快速连续。当然，你同意吗？最合理的人。

谢谢您的时间和援助。我期待着您的答复和建议的解决方案。我急了，除去20元的塑料从我的厨房柜台金属装饰的无功能的一触式岩石。

愿力与你同
– 埃里克

。趣乐的习学人疾残使，笑好不的真这

Here’s what happened when I translate that back into English:

Hello, try the help of China (Google translation), because I did not reply.

Hello can conqueror!

Today I write to you, you must have encountered the problem. I my second one-touch can opener … it has been stuck lid incapacitated. Please see the attached picture, literally, to explain my plight. As you can see, the cover still firmly rests in the one-touch can opener. This is not the first time this has occurred with the unit. Sometimes I was able to convince to give up, an extra button lid opener. This time, all the extra moving can not work properly. Now left with what amounts to expensive battery on my kitchen counter, plastic and metal rock. This can be an eye-opener to rock at present there is no purpose (other than annoying me, every time I see it). I have only one or two months. It has a new battery. Prior to this it is useless, it does not get much use.

I previously owned one-touch can opener, and eventually encounter the same problem. I can see past the fact that the product, called one-button operation involving several to many false starts. I was able to handle the fact that occasionally cut a tiny, you can label the ribbon and drag it to my food. Scraps, usually easy to find and pick out. I was able to accept, it will occasionally fall, a complete, remove the cover, may also be in the process that can be knocked. It is still like the award-winning chili or relaxed and comfortable food 9 CAN vegetable soup, do things to save time. (Although, I bet the people … I will be on my money in a P-38, the army opened a can opener faster.)

I once thought that when I tried to forcibly from my first touch the lid opener outbreak. It is no longer respond to my touch. I checked the battery. I tried a different size cans. I tried to use force. (I think at first light, and eventually the dark side. Anger really hate, like Yoda said. Hatred eventually led to the pain of my wallet.) Peace attempt to no avail. May blind one-touch powerful grip pliers barbaric pry the lid is a bad idea. I chalk I’m a fool, resignation just a new purchase.

I bought a new one, from Bed Bath & Beyond, I believe, we have arrived, I introduced at the beginning of this email. I left stuck in the attached photo of the cover, and in the useless single touch can opener.

I do not know what is what my game is over here. My plan is to write to you to inform you of the situation to see if there are others who have encountered the same problem, see if you can provide a solution. I want to say an acceptable course of action will include (but are not limited to) the following:

• How to get one-touch can opener to give up the lid, and it deeply embrace recommendations.
• A new and improved features one-button (if present).
• Worth about $ 20, P-38 issued by the U.S. armed forces or other operation of non-electric can opener. I came to this approximate figure (and I down rounding): $ 15 one-touch, and $ 5 brand name batteries.

More agree recompensation of course, if you want to, I am open to suggestions. I think I should get something, at least you my failure in rapid succession. Of course, do you agree? Most reasonable people.

Thank you for your time and assistance. I look forward to your reply and suggested solution. I am anxious to remove the plastic from my kitchen counter without metal decoration features a touch of rock.

May the Force be with you
– Eric

. Interest in music, then learn the Disabled to laugh it really true

I ought to do this with all of my emails from now on.  This is much more interesting.

Friends don’t let automatic can openers drink & open cans.

At any rate, I shot out an email to Bed Bath & Beyond too, and they seemingly always stand behind their reputation.  I can get store credit if I bring in the stuck lid and whichever card we used to make the purchase.  Thanks to my wife’s memory, we bought it on the same day she bought a flour sifter not too long ago.  I doubt we have the receipt, but we still do have the card that made the purchase.

Their initial response:

From: Bed Bath & Beyond <bedbathandbeyond@mailnj.custhelp.com>
To: _____________@_____.___
Sent: Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Subject: PRODUCT INQUIRY [Incident: 120525-000501]

Subject
PRODUCT INQUIRY
Discussion Thread
Response Via Email (Astrid)	05/29/2012 04:27 PM
Dear Eric;Thank you for your email.We sincerely apologize for the situation described in your email. At Bed Bath & Beyond, we want our customers to be 100% satisfied with our customer service and merchandise selection. You may return this item to any of our stores for an even exchange or store credit. You can receive a refund in the manner you paid for the item if you have your receipt. Please note, there is no time limit to make a return and we do not require the original packaging. We are also forwarding this information over to our buyers and the vendor for their consideration and improvement.We hope this information has been helpful. Please email or call us at 1-800-GO-BEYOND (1-800-462-3966) if you have any questions.Sincerely,Astrid Customer Service Bed Bath & Beyond

My reply:

From: -mE. <_____________@_____.___>
To: Bed Bath & Beyond <bedbathandbeyond@mailnj.custhelp.com>
Sent: Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Subject: Re: PRODUCT INQUIRY [Incident: 120525-000501]

Aloha Astrid!

 Thank you, your reply was rather quick!  I have not had even as much as an acknowledgement of a receipt of my email from the manufacturer.  Apparently they don’t stand behind their products.  Perhaps you ought to review or do more rigorous tests on the things that you sell.  Has anyone else complained of this issue?

I’m not sure if we still have the receipt, as it was purchased some time ago.  I’m sure my wife or I purchased it with one of our debit cards though.  Would you be able to find the transaction from the card?  I know some stores can do that, and I know you guys have a pretty awesome no-hassle returns policy.

Were you able to view my entire message?  I know I was unable to attach photos.  Perhaps you would like to see the entire message (with photos) on my blog.

If I bring in the One-Touch can opener, can I leave the stuck lid?  Do you have any P-38 can openers for sale?

Rock on,

-Eric

.seitilibasid gninrael fo nuf ekam ot ynnuf ton yllaer s’tI

Their secondary response:

From: Bed Bath & Beyond <bedbathandbeyond@mailnj.custhelp.com>
To: _____________@_____.___
Sent: Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Subject: PRODUCT INQUIRY [Incident: 120525-000501]

Subject
PRODUCT INQUIRY
Discussion Thread
Response Via Email (Astrid)	05/30/2012 10:08 AM
Dear Eric; Thanks for responding. However, as I have explained you are able to return this defective item back to any of our stores for an exchange or store credit, if you do not have the receipt and use the credit towards the purchase of a new can opener of your choice. Please keep in mind that you may bring your return as it is with no problem. Unfortunately we do not carry P-38 can openers in our selection. If we can be of further assistance please email us again or call our eService Center at 1-800-GO-BEYOND® (1-800-462-3966). Sincerely, Astrid Customer Service Bed Bath & Beyond

Heh.  Astrid does not seem amused.

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One-Stuck Can Opener

I have a problem.  The problem is the One-Touch Can Opener.  It’s a rather expensive useless plastic & metal rock.  In fact, they ought to market it as “Pet Rock: With Batteries!”  Maybe an actual rock would be more dependable in opening cans.  We just recently bought our 2nd One-Touch Can Opener.  I have no idea why we’re on a second one.

The first one was fine for a while, but it didn’t get much use unless we were making Nine Can Vegetable Soup or Chili or something where we had to open a bunch of cans at once.  One day a lid got stuck.  The can lid was successfully removed from the can, but remained under the blade of the One Touch.  It remained securely under the blade.  It wouldn’t come out with a gentle pull, or a labored tug.  Pressing the button to try & turn it back on didn’t do anything.  I think I eventually got some pliers to yank it out.  After that (of course) it ceased working.  Perhaps I yanked too hard?

Figuring it was my fault and that I broke it… I bought another.  I thought that the lid getting stuck was a fluke & it didn’t occur to me that it may (would?) happen again.  Boy, was I naive.  It happened again.  This time I didn’t try to dislodge the lid.  I have tried pressing the button.  I gave it several touches, to no avail.  I set it down & took some photos… intending to write to the manufacturer wight a verbose ranting “WTF?” kind of letter.  (You know, my usual.)  The problem being that I couldn’t find the damn manufacturer.

What a wonderful piece of engineering! What excellent modern technology! I mean… What a blunder of engineering! What excrement passes for modern technology?

What a grip!

Unless you were watching another channel.

I mean, I have some pretty cool photos to send, and I had no idea where to send them.  Googling One Touch Can Opener brings up several “As seen on TV” websites.

I emailed one of them, and they basically told me to go fornicate with myself…

From: As Seen On TV Customer Service
To: _____________@_____.___
Sent: Thursday, May 24, 2012 11:50 AM
Subject: One Touch Can Opener [Incident: 120523-000134]

Recently you requested personal assistance from our on-line support center. Below is a summary of your request and our response.

If this issue is not resolved to your satisfaction, you may reopen it within the next 7 days.

Thank you for allowing us to be of service to you.

Subject
—————————————————————
One Touch Can Opener

Discussion Thread
—————————————————————
Response Via Email (Allana) – 05/24/2012 08:50 AM

Dear Eric,

Thank you for your email. We are sorry to inform you that we do not have the referral contact information you seek. Please feel free to do a general web search for more information.

Sorry for any inconvenience this may cause you.

Best regards,

Allana
Customer Care Center

Customer By Web Form (Eric Carroll) – 05/23/2012

Hello, can you put me in touch with the manufacturer of the one-touch can opener?  (Email or mailing address preferred.)

I’m having problems with my 2nd one now.  It’s terrible.  The lids keep getting stuck.

https://www.asseenontv.com/one-touch-can-opener/detail.php?p=296306

Thank you,
-Eric

Question Reference #120523-000134
—————————————————————
Category Level 1: Product inquiry
Date Created: 05/23/2012 09:13 AM
Last Updated: 05/24/2012 08:50 AM
Status: Solved
Order Number:

[—001:001194:41928—]

It’s great for sitting on top of cans & doing nothing until you press the button 4 times & have 2 false starts. (Photo credit: Carol Browne)

What helpful chaps who stand behind the products they sell!

Taking Allana’s wonderful advice I tried to Google One-Touch Can Opener Manufacturer.  As you can see, there are several possible foreign manufacturing services for this tiny incredible modern convenience.  I think I have it narrowed down though, to the correct one… It appears that Daka manufactures all of the One-Touch Products.

So, I sent them an email:

From: Eric Carroll <____________@_____.___>
To: “USA@onetouchproducts.com” <USA@onetouchproducts.com>; “info@daka.com.hk” <info@daka.com.hk>; “info@onetouchproducts.com” <info@onetouchproducts.com>; “Customerservice@cricketholdings.com” <Customerservice@cricketholdings.com>
Sent: Friday, May 25, 2012
Subject: One-Stuck Can Opener

Ciao Can Conquerors!

I’m writing to you today with an issue that you must have encountered before.  I’m currently on my second One-Touch Can Opener… and it has been incapacitated by a stuck lid.  Please see the attached pictures to literally illustrate my predicament.  As you can see, the lid is still securely in the grasp of the One-Touch Can Opener.  This is not the first time that this has happened to me with this unit.  Sometimes I am able to persuade the can opener to relinquish the lid after an extra press of the button.  This time, all the extra touching is not working.  Right now I am left with what amounts to an expensive plastic and metal rock with batteries on my kitchen counter.  This can-opener-come-rock currently has no purpose (other than annoying me each time I see it).  I have only had it for a month or two.  It has fresh batteries.  Prior to it being rendered useless, it did not get much use.

I had previously owned a One-Touch can opener that eventually encountered the same problem.  I was able to look past the fact that the product named One-Touch took several touches (after many many false starts) to operate.  I was able to handle the fact that would occasionally cut tiny ribbons of the can label and drop it into my food.  The scraps were generally easy to find and pick out.  I was able to accept that it would occasionally tumble off of a can when finished removing the lid, possibly also knocking over the can in the process.  It was still a time saver when making things like my award-winning chili or my easy comfort-food nine can vegetable soup.  (Although, were I a betting man… I would place money on me being faster at opening a can with a P-38 army can opener.)

I had assumed that when I tried to forcibly remove the lid from my first One-Touch can opener I possibly broke something.  It no longer responded to my touch.  I checked the batteries.  I tried different-sized cans.  I tried to use the Force. (I tried the light side at first, and eventually the dark side.  Anger does lead to hate, just like Yoda said.  Hate also eventually led to my wallet suffering.)  All of my peaceful attempts were to no avail.  Perhaps using pliers to savagely pry the lid from the mighty grip of the mindless One-Touch was a bad idea.  I had chalked it up to me being an idiot, and resigned to just purchase a new one.

I did purchase a new one, from Bed Bath & Beyond I believe, and we have arrived at the situation which I presented at the beginning of this email.  I am left with the stuck can lid and useless One-Touch can opener in the attached photos.

I’m not exactly sure what my end game is here.  My plan was to write to you to inform you of the situation, see if there were others who have encountered the same problem, and see what you may offer as a solution.  I would say that acceptable courses of action would include (but are not limited to) the following:

• Advice as to how to properly get the One-Touch Can Opener to relinquish the can lid that it so dearly embraces.
• A new improved functioning One-Touch (if that exists).
• About $20 worth of U.S. Army issued P-38’s or other functioning non-electrical can openers.  I arrived at this figure for roughly (and I’m rounding down): $15 for the One-Touch and $5 for name-brand batteries.

Of course if you would like to offer a more agreeable recompensation, I’m open to suggestions.  I feel that I deserve at least something after two of your products have failed on me in rather rapid succession.  Surely you concur?  Most reasonable people would.

Thank you for your time and assistance.  I look forward to your reply and suggested resolution.  I’m anxious to remove the $20 plastic & metal decorative functionless One-Touch rock from my kitchen counter.

May the Force Be With You,
-Eric
.seitilibasid gninrael fo nuf ekam ot ynnuf ton yllaer s’tI

I hope I get some sort of response.  Until then, I will stick with my favorite can-opener: The P-38.  I will race a functioning One-Touch (if you can find one), and I will win.  It’s simple, small, and for the cost of one One-Touch I can get 50 of them from Ralph’s Army Surplus.  I’d even take a P-51, or an Australian FRED.  My grandma always kept a P-38 inside an old pill bottle in the drawer beside the silverware.  I learned to use that before I learned to cook, I think.

Size comparison of P-51 and P-38 openers (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

F.R.E.D. – Currently employed by the Australian Army and New Zealand Army in its ration kits. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

What kind of can opener do you use?  There is a ridiculous amount of different types of can openers out there.  May I persuade you to not waste your time or money in purchasing a One-Touch?  You will most certainly have to touch it several times.  It’s false advertising.  I feel stupid for having to have purchased two of them before I realized that it was not operator error, but a terrible product.

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Dynamite Dud

Free cart with purchase over $25?

Well, if you were afraid that anyone was going to break the stereotype of large corporations soullessly replying to emails with automated responses, or the stereotype about librarians not having a sense of humor… you may rest easy tonight, my friends.

Some of you (thankfully) found the Farming with Dynamite booklet as humorous as I did.  Some of you even enjoyed my webform submission to DuPont.  Apparently DuPont did not find my email the slightest bit amusing.  I didn’t get so much as the digital equivalent of a chuckle from the historical library where they referred me.  Neither of them seemed disturbed but it, either.

From: DuPont Inquiry Management Center <find.info@usa.dupont.com>
Date: Fri, Oct 28, 2011
Subject: DuPont Reply: Hagley Museum & Library
To: “world.and.lunar.domination@gmail.com” <world.and.lunar.domination@gmail.com>

In response to your inquiry: Hello,

I recently found your “Farming With Dynamite: A Few Hints to Farmers” handbook online, and found the concept quite interesting.  I hate shovels, and most power tools.  I’d like to plant some tomatoes and maybe a squash vine in the back yard next year… and think that this dynamite could come in handy!

For reference: http://www.fourmilab.ch/etexts/www/dupont/FarmingWithDynamite/Mimage01.html

Page 11 of your booklet said to write for the “Handbook of Explosives for Farmers, Planters, & Ranchers”.  I believe the book predates the used of zip codes, and wasn’t sure if snail mail would get to you at the provided “address”.  So, I decided to search online.  Plus.  I’m lazy.  I didn’t want to buy stamps, and get a cramp while writing a letter with a pen.  See where this dynamite thing may come in handy when planting a garden?

Do you have a hand book of explosives for the casual gardener?  I can try scale down the big stuff if need be.  I’m sure my neighbors would appreciate some restraint.

What are your thoughts on using explosives to get rid of garden pests like rabbits, groundhogs, deer, and even (here in the city) rats?

At 56¢ average for stump removal in my area, I’m confident I can save time and money planting vegetables next year!  Maybe I can do some carrots and bell peppers too?

I see that “Farming With Dynamite” was printed in 1910, have  explosive farming techniques progressed much since then?  I would like some literature on the latest blasting technology.

Does the “Red Cross” dynamite mentioned in your book have anything to do with the Relief/Aid organization, or is it just an unfortunate similarity?  I hear 99¢ of each dollar donated goes to line the pockets of their CEO.  Ridiculous.

I look forward to your thoughts and advice, I appreciate that you have offered this information at no cost.  It shows that you are a company that cares about the common man!

Thanks for writing. The Hagley Museum & Library is home to all historical information related to the DuPont Company. For assistance, please contact the musuem directly:

Hagley Museum & Library
Eleutherian Mills – Hagley Foundation
Post Office Box 3630
Greenville, DE 19807
Phone: (302)658-2400
Website: http://www.hagley.lib.de.us/
Contact Info: http://www.hagley.lib.de.us/contact.html

We hope this will be of some assistance.

Regards,
DuPont Inquiry Management Center
Wilmington, Delaware USA
http://www.dupont.com/
800-441-7515
302-774-1000

So, I sent this on top of the forwarded response form Dupont.

From: Waldo Lunar <world.and.lunar.domination@gmail.com>
Date: Mon, Oct 31, 2011
Subject: Fwd: DuPont Reply: Hagley Museum & Library
To: info@hagley.org

Hello Esteemed Keepers of Information,

I recently wrote to DuPont inquiring about a booklet on Farming with Dynamite, and they have directed me to you.  Can you help out with the request below, my friends?

Excelsior!
-Waldo Lunar

———- Forwarded message ———-

I got this from the library:

From: Linda Gross <lgross@hagley.org>
Date: Mon, Oct 31, 2011
Subject: FW: DuPont Reply: Hagley Museum & Library
To: “world.and.lunar.domination@gmail.com” <world.and.lunar.domination@gmail.com>

Mr. Lunar-

You will find that our library contains historical information about dynamite in our collection.  We have no information on current farming techniques.  You are welcome to search through our holdings in our online catalog at www.hagley.org/library.  If you are interested in the history of the black powder production at DuPont, you might find our online exhibit of DuPont Company on the Brandywine to be a good source.  http://www.hagley.org/library/exhibits/brandywine/

Linda P. Gross

Imprints Reference Librarian

Hagley Museum and Library

P.O. Box 3630

Wilmington, DE  19807

(302) 658-2400

lgross@hagley.org

—–

Begin forwarded message:

DuPont either employs the most sophisticated A.I. email responders I have ever seen, or no one there or at the Hagley seems to have a sense of humor or a sense of cautioning someone looking to do some backyard gardening with dynamite.

These blow up occasionally?

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The Car Sales Handbook

Looks like a good deal...

From recent experiences, I believe that I’ve come up with the set of rules by which all car sales people are directed to operate.

It may seem simple, but I believe it’s a highly complicated dance designed to wear you down mentally.  I’m sure this isn’t their handbook word for ludicrous word, but I’m also sure that it’s pretty close.  If you can get your hands on a copy, let me know.  I’d like to see it.

1. When someone emails you, uses your website, or uses a 3rd party website like Yahoo! Autos, don’t reply.  Call them.
2. Call repeatedly thereafter.
3. Send out form-letterish very spam-like emails.  Repeatedly.  Don’t reply to any replies.  Call.
4. Call again.  Leave a message every other time.
5. If you must send an email reply, include your office number, extension, and cell phone number… and ask the potential customer to call you.  Perhaps express that you’ve been trying to call.
6. Don’t answer any questions about price or inventory via email or over the phone.  Get the customer to the dealer.
7. If they ask about used cars, show them new cars.  If they ask about new cars, show them used cars.
8. When the customer discusses comfortable monthly payments, always shoot $50-$75 higher than that number.
9. After they express disinterest, call them again.
10. Send emails with customer satisfaction survey links that lead to broken pages.
11. Call again.  Leave a message.  Be sure to say “buddy” or “friend”.
12. Call, once more.  Don’t leave a message.
13. Call again, ask why potential customer didn’t like car/deal.
14. Send a plethora of from emails from the dealer, manager, and sales person asking customer to call the dealer to discuss auto purchase options.
15. Call & leave a message stating that you reached out via email, ask them to call you back.
16. Wait 2 months, call again.  Leave message asking for a call back.
17. Have you tried calling the customer?

Tele-what?

I’m starting to wonder if perhaps payment is no longer based on commission, but on time spent on the phone.  Holy cow.  The barrage is instant and never-ending if you use a site that spits out emails to several dealers at once.  It creates absolute telephone chaos.  It’s 2011.  Can we conduct business/ask questions via email… especially if I take the time to note “via email” as my contact preference?

If you know me, you know I’m not a big fan of telephone conversations.  I like email.  Texting is OK.  I’ve had friends who have been my friends for many years, and our total phone-talk time probably amounts to a few hours.  Even if you don’t know me… it would be safe to assume that if I was using the internet to research/reach out to you, I might be more comfortable with an email.  (Otherwise, I would have called you… or just stopped by.)

Do you feel that I’ve missed any auto sales rules?  Please, add to the list in the comments section!

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