French-Dip Sandwiches & Smashed Potatoes

I made these the other night, and they were good! Here’s a quick & dirty method more than a recipe…

~🍽️~

For the French dip above, I just sautéed a diced sweet onion and canned mushrooms in medium heat in butter, set the goods aside, cranked the heat, seared a roast from Aldi in the same pan, added it, the onions/mushrooms, some shredded carrots, & a can of condensed French Onion Soup to the crock pot on high for 4 hours.

I pulled the roast out to “rest” for a bit before slicing, then put it back into a bowl with some of the liquid for the crock pot

For the buns, I just bought Mancini sausage rolls, melted butter in the microwave, put them in at 375° for 2 minutes, then pulled them out.

Then I piled on the sliced/shredded beef & mushrooms/onions/carrots and some sliced white American cheese, then back in the 375° oven for 5 minutes.

I made an “Au Jus” McCormick packet, and added some of the liquid from the crock pot for dipping. Toasting the buns really helped it stand up to the dip so it didn’t fall apart.

The potatoes were just little Yukon gold potatoes boiled in salty water for 30 min., smashed on to an oil-brushed cooking sheet, then baked at 425° for ½ hour.

I spiced the onions, meat, butter, & potatoes throughout all the stops, I think I added chicken bullion to the potato water, too. I used a lot of garlic & onion powder, black pepper, and Season Salt or Mrs. Dash’s table blend.

Well that’s it. Do you make anything similar? Have some tips & tricks? I have made similar stuff before with Swiss or Havarti or Provolone, used all kinds of different beef or even Steak-Ums, whatever buns/bread look good, used the French’s fried onions, etc. Ya gotta change it up and/or use what you have on hand!

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Thanksgiving Sliders!

Lots of restaurants have their take on a Thanksgiving meal in a sandwich or wrap. Mad Mex has the Gobblerito. GetGo has the Pilgrim. Roly Poly used to have the #9 Thanksgiving Wrap. Primanti Bros. has the Primanturkey. I need to road trip up to Capriotti’s & try the Hot Bobbie. I have seen Thanksgiving tacos & Thanksgiving egg rolls online too… Even Thanksgiving pierogies!

This is my take. Not sure what inspired it other than pure unadulterated gluttony pair with an absolute love for the Thanksgiving meal.

I wanted cheese, but a soft white sort of mild cheese… nothing crazy sharp. This time I went with gouda slices and it was perfect. I solicited suggestions a few places online and found some fantastic ones.

🍂 AiXeLsyD13’s Thanksgiving Sliders! 🍂

I took some stuffing out of my typical recipe, formed some stuffing balls, & cooked them in a glass dish at 375° Fahrenheit for 20 minutes and they were perfect. I let them cool, & slapped ’em into a Ziploc bag & put them in the ‘fridge.

At lunch time on black Friday, I got out some turkey and gravy, heated it in a pan on the stove, cut the stuffing balls to be like a sandwich bun, added the cheese & cranberry sauce on mine, assembled the sandwiches & cooked them sort of like a melt on our panini press countertop grill.

I just kept it on until the cheese started to look nice & melty. The outside got a little crisp, but not burned.

I will do this again. In fact, I’ll make stuffing and cook a turkey breast just to do this.

I picked it up with my hands and ate it like a burger, but imagine it like a hot turkey diner knife & fork style sandwich covered in gravy?

Stuffing Balls

Sandwiches made to order.

🍂🦃🍂

I made them to order. My wife wasn’t feeling the cheese idea, and my son wasn’t sure about the gravy. Neither wanted the cranberry sauce. I did one with, & one without. The one with was much more delicious. My daughter had a slider with gouda, turkey, & mayo on a dinner roll.

What else would go good on this? Mashed potatoes? Yams or sweet potatoes? Green bean casserole? Squash? If this were a food truck, I would visit once a week. I enjoyed this just as much as Thanksgiving dinner.

What do you do with your Thanksgiving leftovers? Is there a sandwich or other concoction like this from somewhere that I missed?

Gouda fit perfect, have any suggestions for other cheeses? White American, White cheddar, havarti, Swiss, brie, & even mozzarella may all be contenders. A smoked cheese may be good too.

Thanksgiving Dinner! – The Recipes.

I love to put together a holiday meal, especially thanksgiving. I have it down pretty good to corral the chaos.

Turkey in the electric roaster!

Thanksgiving Dinner Plate!

First prepping the turkey & stuffing…

I do the bird in the electric roaster, stuffed, for 15-ish minutes per lb. @ 325° Farenheit. I roasted in the preheated pan on full for about 45 minutes at the start before turning it down. I inject the turkey in a few sports with a mixture of melted beer, butter, & spices. I usually rub some softened butter on top and toss on lots of seasoning there too. I usually pour a bottle of beer and a box of turkey broth in the bottom, & include some carrots, celery, & an onion.

Don’t worry about samonella with a stuffed bird. Take it to 165°. Always use a food thermometer. Some of the dark meat of the turkey will be overcooked but it will still be juicy & delicious. I haven’t killed anyone with my turkey yet.

The extra stuffing can be made into stuffing balls, but I put it in the crock pot. You just have to stir it, & maybe add extra turkey or chicken broth if needed or it will stick to the sides a lil’ burnt.

Do the math, & time it so you’re pulling the turkey out about a half an hour before you want to serve it.

Then I make the sides. Check out my recipes!

• Stuffing (check out the old school recipes too!)
• Roasted Brussels Sprouts with Rainbow Carrots
• Roasted Butternut Squash
• Mashed Potatoes

I cut up the butternut squash first, & put it in the fridge for when I needed it.

I peeled & quartered the potatoes, let them sit in cold water (& turkey broth).

Cut up & prep the brussels sprouts & carrots, you want to pop them in about 45 min before you plan to eat.

Prep the squash & put it in right after the brussels sprouts.

Turn on the potatoes, by the time they cook & you do your thing… it the other stuff should be ready to go.

Others brought even more sides… cranberry sauce, green bean casserole, sweet potatoes, deviled eggs, & rolls!

If I make green bean casserole, I pretty much use the Campbell’s recipe or French’s Fried Onions recipe… sometimes with an added can of mushrooms, fresh green beans, & maybe even some bacon pieces or ham.

If I cook with beer it’s either Yuengling Traditional Lager or Straub Amber.

For the gravy, I just use pan drippings broth from the turkey, and eyeball together a slurry of corn starch, add it, & some more spices if needed.

Someday I am going to brine a turkey with a buttermilk brine & cook it on the smoker, but… not for Thanksgiving. Well, not the first time anyway.

I like to keep the oven open for sides, & any brought sides or pies that may need warmed up.

Thanksgiving Sides! Brussels Sprouts & Rainbow Carrots, Butternut Squash, Mashed Yukon Gold Potatoes, & Stuffing!

What are your Thanksgiving or other holiday meal prep tips, go-to’s, methods, or favorite recipes?

🦃 Don’t forget these free Thanksgiving Mazes! 🦃

Thanksgiving Mazes! 🦃

I was going to share some mazes for Thanksgiving, and I realized I have a bunch of them. I did some quick dirty coloring of some old ones. I am sharing new ones that will be in my second book, some from the first book, and I have some that are loosely related to fall or Thanksgiving dinner.

Please, use them to have some fun this holiday season! They could be placemats, an activity for those that aren’t cooking while they’re waiting for dinner or for company to arrive, or used as a game to see who finishes first. You could use them to make place cards too if you wanna get creative!

If you complete the mazes by printing them out & solving, or on your phone/tablet/PC with a drawing app, share it on you preferred social media platform & tag me! I’m @AiXeLsyD13 on pretty much all of ’em. (Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Threads, BlueSky, TikTok, Tumblr, YouTube, etc.) I’d love to see a video of a race to complete the smaller easier ones… and I love to see solutions! I like to draw mazes, not so much solving them.

Mmm, Thanksgiving dinner. Stuffing is my favorite. I need to figure out how to do a stuffing maze.

You can solve these while listening to one of my Thanksgiving playlists on Amazon or Spotify, or while talking about what you’re thankful for! I love the reflection this time of year.

This year’s turkey maze:

2023 Turkey Maze

Thanksgiving-ish themed mazes from the upcoming book:

Turkey Giblets Maze & Corn Maze …Maze – from my upcoming second book.

Newly (& quickly) colorized old Thanksgiving themed mazes:

Fresh takes on old Thanksgiving Mazes

Random older related mazes:

<shameless plug> The turkey from this year and the “giblets” maze are also available on some cool merchandise from my RedBubble and TeePublic shops too. Why not get a turkey maze T-shirt or an apron with the giblets maze? You can get both designs on hoodies, pet bandanas, stickers, magnets, coffee mugs, and even a damn shower curtain if so inclined. </shameless plug>

🦃 UPDATE! 🦃

After posting this, I found an OLD turkey maze of mine on Pinterest, so I downloaded & edited it a bit. So, here’s one more:

I guess I forgot about this one.

Google Photos is awesome/creepy with these videos it made & sent to me automatically…

Fascinating.

So, Google Photos made two of these video clip compilations all by itself, then it let me know in the photos app. One was for Molly, and one was for Ian.

HOW DOES IT KNOW?

Are these algorithms? Facial Recognition? Time, date, & location stamps?  Did it use the videos from my phone, or the online backups?

This is so awesome, cute, and creepy.

These videos give me all the feels.

For those who noticed I didn’t blog very often for a while, all this was happening. It’s incredible to look back on it all.

I wish I could tweak some of the clips just a tiny bit to include some better little funny moments, but whatever made this did a pretty damn good job.

As amazing as this is, and how cool it is that it reminds me of the make-a-grown-man-cry Dear-Sophie Google Chrome commercial, it’s a bit weird.  Are we in the future?  How does it do what it does?

I may find a simple answer after a Google search.  Does Google let you learn all about Google?  Does anyone use Google+?

Your Friendly Binary Overlord

Seriously though, they do grow up so fast.  Thank you for the reminder, Google Photos.

Conspiracy Theories About the Sony Hack 💻

Conspiracy Theory #1:  

If you’re a country from the middle east, Russia, a terrorist organization, or anyone else that wants to yank the US’ proverbial chain, you hire someone to do some hacks with signatures pointing to a tiny madman’s oppressive regime.  Any US response is seen as unprovoked, and World War III starts.  While we’re looking over there, you poke us somewhere where the sun doesn’t shine… or wait until we’re exhausted of resources and poke the sore spot.

I may or may not have been once involved in some camp related shenanigans where I took part in duct taping toilet paper rolls of another camp on the same campground.  I may or may not have been told (after being reprimanded) that next time I ought to only do the boys or girls bathroom, then leave the duct tape on the porch of the other sex to raise suspicion of said party.  I’m sure that’s a common strategy to the inherently devious.

Seems like if North Korea did do it, they’d spin it into a PR win on the fronts of their superiority and on the dangers of the internet to society.  It just seems way too obvious.

Conspiracy Theory #2: 

Remember the wire tapping & surveillance issues under Bush that got everyone’s panties into a giant sweaty bunch over gub’ment intrusion?  Now they have an excuse to be all up in your cloud or all up on your hard drive under the guise of national security.  Maybe I’m naïve to think it’s not already happening anyway.

Obama just threw Sony under a bus outfitted like a monster truck.  If they allowed it to go out into distribution or a theatre chain played the movie and someone did get hurt somewhere, people would have sued and would have went after the theatres and Sony.  Would the president help them then, or just say they probably should have pulled it?

“…yes, I think they made a mistake.”

As a former floor tile underneath the Sony corporate ladder, I wonder if I have been affected… or is it just Sony pictures or entertainment?  I know even back then while putting tab A into slot B on now antiquated electronics, we were under contract to not disclose any technology that we might see inside the plant that wasn’t released to the public.  Did the hack grab the plans for the next Betamax or MiniDisc?  Do they have my social security number?

The Fort Pitt Friggin’ Bridge.

A quick look at Wikipedia shows that some guy in the late 1950s named George S. Richardson was actually a computer that designed the Fort Pitt Bridge. Well, maybe he used a computer. The Wikipedia article is surprisingly unclear.  It says that Richardson designed it, but it also says “It was the world’s first computer designed bowstring arch bridge.”

The bridge opened in 1959. It’s 2013. I’m not sure how many revisions (if any) have occurred since 1959. I get that in combination with the Fort Pitt Tunnel it’s quite popular, but certainly there should have been changes over the years. I haven’t checked census data, but it’s a safe bet that the region’s population & the number of people who own cars has risen quite dramatically since then.  I believe it’s time for an overhaul.

Did this ever make sense?  (From Bing)

The green arrow shows where Jagoffs come from.

There are several problems, but the biggest one that drives me crazy is Yinzer drivers coming out of the city making their own lanes.  It’s bad enough that you have to sometimes cross 3 lanes in a short distance to make sure you’re in the correct lane to get where you’re going.  Check out the green arrow in the picture to the right.  This is the ramp coming from Liberty Ave. downtown.  Apparently during the afternoon commute out of the city, people coming up these two lanes decide to not merge into one lane as suggested by those funny little white dashed lines.  They also choose not to obey the only traffic sign on the bridge, a STOP sign.  Well, there’s 2 of them…  but both for the same lane.  These images from Google’s street view might show what I mean:

This is what you see coming up the ramp…

This is how it all merges…

It’s pretty clear how one is supposed to merge in such a situation.  The STOP sign here is ridiculous.  It ought to be illegal to pull out from a full stop while traffic is whizzing by at a high speed.  It’s there nonetheless… and should be obeyed.  Like I said, there are many problems.  Let me get back to focusing on the crazy extra lane-making Yinzer drivers.  Look at this…

2 cars, 1 lane

Those dingleberries are side-by-side in one lane.  So are these dingleberries behind them:

Following the lead…

Buses are the Devil.

Now, is this really helping the traffic situation?  No.  It does slow down everyone in my lane.  No one seems to want to stop, they pull out & to the left to go into the tunnel, or out & right to go to the West End.  I took those photos of these numb-nuts a while ago… but on a very special day a while ago, I saw a bus doing it.  Yes, a PAT bus was beside a car in a single lane, and trying to cut across into the lane to my right if I were to stay in the lane I was in & simply go forward.

Just typing all of this out & trying to explain it rationally hurts my head.  Why aren’t there cops there?  You could triple the city or count’s monthly revenue in about 2 hours at that spot.

Clearly something needs done at this intersection.  Traffic lights?  A camera that captures your license plate when you break a law or 10 merging lanes?  It’s absolutely ridiculous.  Who started this?  Obviously others have seen people get away with it, so they are trying it too.  What part of your brain rationalizes that this is somehow acceptable behavior?

Have you run into this insanity?  Please, share your hate for the Fort Pitt Bridge in the comments.

Related Articles

• Work in Pittsburgh’s ‘bathtub’ area to wrap up soon (triblive.com)
• Work to close Fort Duquesne Bridge ramps (triblive.com)
• Pittsburgh Film ‘Abduction’ Coming Out Soon (thesmalltownreview.wordpress.com)
• A Day in Pittsburgh – Part 1 (miriamtroxler.com)
• Pittsburgh Vacations (orbitz.com)
• Defensive Driving (cheapcarinsurance.net)
• Whos At Fault Rules Of The Road (cheapcarinsurance.net)
• What Causes Traffic Jams? – Instant Egghead (scientificamerican.com)
• Your Bad Driving Habits Get on My Nerves (allstate.com)
• Driving Fallacies and Traffic (muddiedwater.wordpress.com)

Danke Daka

Did you read about my trouble with the One-Touch Can Opener?  How about my attempt at emailing them in Chinese?  Well, sadly they wrote back, and it’s quite boring.

The word is…

From: info info
To: Me <_____________@_____.___>
Cc: info <info@onetouchproducts.com>
Sent: Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Subject: Re: One-Stuck Can Opener

Dear Eric,

Thanks for your email.

For the can opener issue, please try to press and hold the reverse switch at the rear of the can opener.

The cutter will move in the reverse direction to the start position and the can lid will be released.

You may also check the instruction manual for trouble shooting ways.

Please download and keep the user manual from our website (as per below link) for your reference.

http://www.onetouchproducts.com/CanOpenerll.htm

Should you have any questions, please feel free to contact us.

Best Regards,
One Touch

There’s a reverse switch?  The answer is that simple?  I’m so disappointed, I haven’t even tried it yet.  Why not mark the switch?  I don’t remember the thing coming with instructions!  Bastards.

There may be a slight language barrier here, and a large cultural one.

Also, I decided to further my communication with Astrid at Bed Bath & Beyond.  Apparently this was going too far…

From: Eric <_____________@_____.___>
To: Bed Bath & Beyond <bedbathandbeyond@mailnj.custhelp.com>
Sent: Wednesday, May 30, 2012 1:19 PM
Subject: Re: PRODUCT INQUIRY [Incident: 120525-000501]

Thanks Astrid,

We’ll have to go with the store credit then.  This is absolutely not a problem.  I always want to buy many things every time we’re in a Bed, Bath & Beyond.  Do you have a favorite can opener, or other cool kitchen gadget?  Perhaps we could get that.  Maybe some time my wife & I could have you over for dinner & we can use our new can opener.  What’s your favorite canned food?  I generally prefer fresh vegetables over canned… but I do like to make chili with a lot of canned ingredients.  Do you like chili?

I’d like to suggest that you guys carry P-38’s.  They really are useful, and don’t have any moving or electrical parts that can break or get stuck.

I like chili served over mashed potatoes.  I like mashed potatoes.

Rock on!

-Eric

I have as of yet not received a reply.

I like them.

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Bed, Bath, Above & Beyond. Daka & One-Touch refuse to answer.

Google Translate (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

如果我尝试在中国吗？ (That’s “What if I try it in Chinese?” or “If I try in China?” according to Google Translate…)

Well, I never got anything from our friends at Daka about the One-Touch Can Opener that won’t relinquish the lid.  So I decided to use Google Translate to try & express my frustration in Chinese through the wonders of technology.

The added opening line is…

Hello, going to try in Chinese (with the help of Google Translate) because I haven’t had a reply yet.

Here’s what it gave me…

你好，去尝试在中国（谷歌翻译的帮助下），因为我还没有答复。

你好能征服者！

今天我写信给你，你必须有遇到过的问题。目前我是我的第二个单触式开罐器…它已被卡住盖子无行为能力。请参阅所附的图片，从字面上说明我的困境。正如你可以看到，盖仍然是牢固地掌握在单触式开罐器。这是不是第一次，这已经与本单位发生。有时，我能够说服放弃后，一个额外的按钮按盖子的开罐器。这个时候，所有的额外的感人不能正常工作。现在只剩下我与数额是多少，我的厨房柜台上的电池昂贵的塑料和金属摇滚。这可以大开眼界来岩目前有没有目的（以外恼人的我，每次我看到它）。我只有一两个月。它具有新的电池。在此之前它毫无用处，它并没有得到多大用处。

我以前曾拥有 单键开罐器，最终遇到同样的问题。我能看过去的事实，产品名为单键操作了几个涉及到很多出师不利后。我是能够处理的事实，偶尔会削减微小的，可以标注彩带和拖放到我的食物。的下脚料，一般很容易找到，并挑选出。我是能够接受的，它偶尔会倒下了，一个能完成后，取下盖子，也可能在可以敲的过程中。它仍像我获奖的辣椒或轻松舒适的食物9 CAN蔬菜汤，做的事情时节省时间。 （虽然，我投注的人…我会放在我的钱，在一个P-38的军队打开了一罐开罐器更快。）

我曾经以为，当我试图强行从我的第一个触盖子开罐器我可能爆发的东西。它不再回应我的接触。我检查了电池。我尝试不同大小的罐。我试图使用武力。 （我想在第一道曙光，并最终黑暗的一面。愤怒确实恨，就像尤达说。的仇恨也最终导致了我的钱包的痛苦。）我和平的企图都是无济于事。也许用钳子野蛮撬从盲目单键的强大抓地力的盖子是个坏主意。我粉笔我是一个傻瓜，辞职只是一个新的购买。

我买一个新的，从床Bath＆Beyond的，我相信，我们已经到达的情况，我在此电子邮件的开头介绍。我离开卡住所附照片的盖子，并在无用的单触式开罐器。

我也不知道是什么，什么我的游戏结束在这里。我的计划是给你写信通知你的情况，看看是否有别人谁也遇到同样的问题，看看你可以提供一个解决方案。我想说的行动可接受的课程将包括（但不仅限于）以下：

如何正确地得到单触式开罐器放弃的盖子，它深深地拥抱的建议。
一种新的改进功能的单键（如果存在）。
价值约20美元，美国军队发出的P-38或其他运作非电动开罐器。我来到这个大致的数字（和我向下舍入）：$ 15为单触式和5美元的名牌电池。

当然提供更同意recompensation，如果你想，我很开放的建议。我觉得我应该得到的东西，至少你的产品对我的失败而快速连续。当然，你同意吗？最合理的人。

谢谢您的时间和援助。我期待着您的答复和建议的解决方案。我急了，除去20元的塑料从我的厨房柜台金属装饰的无功能的一触式岩石。

愿力与你同
– 埃里克

。趣乐的习学人疾残使，笑好不的真这

Here’s what happened when I translate that back into English:

Hello, try the help of China (Google translation), because I did not reply.

Hello can conqueror!

Today I write to you, you must have encountered the problem. I my second one-touch can opener … it has been stuck lid incapacitated. Please see the attached picture, literally, to explain my plight. As you can see, the cover still firmly rests in the one-touch can opener. This is not the first time this has occurred with the unit. Sometimes I was able to convince to give up, an extra button lid opener. This time, all the extra moving can not work properly. Now left with what amounts to expensive battery on my kitchen counter, plastic and metal rock. This can be an eye-opener to rock at present there is no purpose (other than annoying me, every time I see it). I have only one or two months. It has a new battery. Prior to this it is useless, it does not get much use.

I previously owned one-touch can opener, and eventually encounter the same problem. I can see past the fact that the product, called one-button operation involving several to many false starts. I was able to handle the fact that occasionally cut a tiny, you can label the ribbon and drag it to my food. Scraps, usually easy to find and pick out. I was able to accept, it will occasionally fall, a complete, remove the cover, may also be in the process that can be knocked. It is still like the award-winning chili or relaxed and comfortable food 9 CAN vegetable soup, do things to save time. (Although, I bet the people … I will be on my money in a P-38, the army opened a can opener faster.)

I once thought that when I tried to forcibly from my first touch the lid opener outbreak. It is no longer respond to my touch. I checked the battery. I tried a different size cans. I tried to use force. (I think at first light, and eventually the dark side. Anger really hate, like Yoda said. Hatred eventually led to the pain of my wallet.) Peace attempt to no avail. May blind one-touch powerful grip pliers barbaric pry the lid is a bad idea. I chalk I’m a fool, resignation just a new purchase.

I bought a new one, from Bed Bath & Beyond, I believe, we have arrived, I introduced at the beginning of this email. I left stuck in the attached photo of the cover, and in the useless single touch can opener.

I do not know what is what my game is over here. My plan is to write to you to inform you of the situation to see if there are others who have encountered the same problem, see if you can provide a solution. I want to say an acceptable course of action will include (but are not limited to) the following:

• How to get one-touch can opener to give up the lid, and it deeply embrace recommendations.
• A new and improved features one-button (if present).
• Worth about $ 20, P-38 issued by the U.S. armed forces or other operation of non-electric can opener. I came to this approximate figure (and I down rounding): $ 15 one-touch, and $ 5 brand name batteries.

More agree recompensation of course, if you want to, I am open to suggestions. I think I should get something, at least you my failure in rapid succession. Of course, do you agree? Most reasonable people.

Thank you for your time and assistance. I look forward to your reply and suggested solution. I am anxious to remove the plastic from my kitchen counter without metal decoration features a touch of rock.

May the Force be with you
– Eric

. Interest in music, then learn the Disabled to laugh it really true

I ought to do this with all of my emails from now on.  This is much more interesting.

Friends don’t let automatic can openers drink & open cans.

At any rate, I shot out an email to Bed Bath & Beyond too, and they seemingly always stand behind their reputation.  I can get store credit if I bring in the stuck lid and whichever card we used to make the purchase.  Thanks to my wife’s memory, we bought it on the same day she bought a flour sifter not too long ago.  I doubt we have the receipt, but we still do have the card that made the purchase.

Their initial response:

From: Bed Bath & Beyond <bedbathandbeyond@mailnj.custhelp.com>
To: _____________@_____.___
Sent: Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Subject: PRODUCT INQUIRY [Incident: 120525-000501]

Subject
PRODUCT INQUIRY
Discussion Thread
Response Via Email (Astrid)	05/29/2012 04:27 PM
Dear Eric;Thank you for your email.We sincerely apologize for the situation described in your email. At Bed Bath & Beyond, we want our customers to be 100% satisfied with our customer service and merchandise selection. You may return this item to any of our stores for an even exchange or store credit. You can receive a refund in the manner you paid for the item if you have your receipt. Please note, there is no time limit to make a return and we do not require the original packaging. We are also forwarding this information over to our buyers and the vendor for their consideration and improvement.We hope this information has been helpful. Please email or call us at 1-800-GO-BEYOND (1-800-462-3966) if you have any questions.Sincerely,Astrid Customer Service Bed Bath & Beyond

My reply:

From: -mE. <_____________@_____.___>
To: Bed Bath & Beyond <bedbathandbeyond@mailnj.custhelp.com>
Sent: Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Subject: Re: PRODUCT INQUIRY [Incident: 120525-000501]

Aloha Astrid!

 Thank you, your reply was rather quick!  I have not had even as much as an acknowledgement of a receipt of my email from the manufacturer.  Apparently they don’t stand behind their products.  Perhaps you ought to review or do more rigorous tests on the things that you sell.  Has anyone else complained of this issue?

I’m not sure if we still have the receipt, as it was purchased some time ago.  I’m sure my wife or I purchased it with one of our debit cards though.  Would you be able to find the transaction from the card?  I know some stores can do that, and I know you guys have a pretty awesome no-hassle returns policy.

Were you able to view my entire message?  I know I was unable to attach photos.  Perhaps you would like to see the entire message (with photos) on my blog.

If I bring in the One-Touch can opener, can I leave the stuck lid?  Do you have any P-38 can openers for sale?

Rock on,

-Eric

.seitilibasid gninrael fo nuf ekam ot ynnuf ton yllaer s’tI

Their secondary response:

From: Bed Bath & Beyond <bedbathandbeyond@mailnj.custhelp.com>
To: _____________@_____.___
Sent: Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Subject: PRODUCT INQUIRY [Incident: 120525-000501]

Subject
PRODUCT INQUIRY
Discussion Thread
Response Via Email (Astrid)	05/30/2012 10:08 AM
Dear Eric; Thanks for responding. However, as I have explained you are able to return this defective item back to any of our stores for an exchange or store credit, if you do not have the receipt and use the credit towards the purchase of a new can opener of your choice. Please keep in mind that you may bring your return as it is with no problem. Unfortunately we do not carry P-38 can openers in our selection. If we can be of further assistance please email us again or call our eService Center at 1-800-GO-BEYOND® (1-800-462-3966). Sincerely, Astrid Customer Service Bed Bath & Beyond

Heh.  Astrid does not seem amused.

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One-Stuck Can Opener

I have a problem.  The problem is the One-Touch Can Opener.  It’s a rather expensive useless plastic & metal rock.  In fact, they ought to market it as “Pet Rock: With Batteries!”  Maybe an actual rock would be more dependable in opening cans.  We just recently bought our 2nd One-Touch Can Opener.  I have no idea why we’re on a second one.

The first one was fine for a while, but it didn’t get much use unless we were making Nine Can Vegetable Soup or Chili or something where we had to open a bunch of cans at once.  One day a lid got stuck.  The can lid was successfully removed from the can, but remained under the blade of the One Touch.  It remained securely under the blade.  It wouldn’t come out with a gentle pull, or a labored tug.  Pressing the button to try & turn it back on didn’t do anything.  I think I eventually got some pliers to yank it out.  After that (of course) it ceased working.  Perhaps I yanked too hard?

Figuring it was my fault and that I broke it… I bought another.  I thought that the lid getting stuck was a fluke & it didn’t occur to me that it may (would?) happen again.  Boy, was I naive.  It happened again.  This time I didn’t try to dislodge the lid.  I have tried pressing the button.  I gave it several touches, to no avail.  I set it down & took some photos… intending to write to the manufacturer wight a verbose ranting “WTF?” kind of letter.  (You know, my usual.)  The problem being that I couldn’t find the damn manufacturer.

What a wonderful piece of engineering! What excellent modern technology! I mean… What a blunder of engineering! What excrement passes for modern technology?

What a grip!

Unless you were watching another channel.

I mean, I have some pretty cool photos to send, and I had no idea where to send them.  Googling One Touch Can Opener brings up several “As seen on TV” websites.

I emailed one of them, and they basically told me to go fornicate with myself…

From: As Seen On TV Customer Service
To: _____________@_____.___
Sent: Thursday, May 24, 2012 11:50 AM
Subject: One Touch Can Opener [Incident: 120523-000134]

Recently you requested personal assistance from our on-line support center. Below is a summary of your request and our response.

If this issue is not resolved to your satisfaction, you may reopen it within the next 7 days.

Thank you for allowing us to be of service to you.

Subject
—————————————————————
One Touch Can Opener

Discussion Thread
—————————————————————
Response Via Email (Allana) – 05/24/2012 08:50 AM

Dear Eric,

Thank you for your email. We are sorry to inform you that we do not have the referral contact information you seek. Please feel free to do a general web search for more information.

Sorry for any inconvenience this may cause you.

Best regards,

Allana
Customer Care Center

Customer By Web Form (Eric Carroll) – 05/23/2012

Hello, can you put me in touch with the manufacturer of the one-touch can opener?  (Email or mailing address preferred.)

I’m having problems with my 2nd one now.  It’s terrible.  The lids keep getting stuck.

https://www.asseenontv.com/one-touch-can-opener/detail.php?p=296306

Thank you,
-Eric

Question Reference #120523-000134
—————————————————————
Category Level 1: Product inquiry
Date Created: 05/23/2012 09:13 AM
Last Updated: 05/24/2012 08:50 AM
Status: Solved
Order Number:

[—001:001194:41928—]

It’s great for sitting on top of cans & doing nothing until you press the button 4 times & have 2 false starts. (Photo credit: Carol Browne)

What helpful chaps who stand behind the products they sell!

Taking Allana’s wonderful advice I tried to Google One-Touch Can Opener Manufacturer.  As you can see, there are several possible foreign manufacturing services for this tiny incredible modern convenience.  I think I have it narrowed down though, to the correct one… It appears that Daka manufactures all of the One-Touch Products.

So, I sent them an email:

From: Eric Carroll <____________@_____.___>
To: “USA@onetouchproducts.com” <USA@onetouchproducts.com>; “info@daka.com.hk” <info@daka.com.hk>; “info@onetouchproducts.com” <info@onetouchproducts.com>; “Customerservice@cricketholdings.com” <Customerservice@cricketholdings.com>
Sent: Friday, May 25, 2012
Subject: One-Stuck Can Opener

Ciao Can Conquerors!

I’m writing to you today with an issue that you must have encountered before.  I’m currently on my second One-Touch Can Opener… and it has been incapacitated by a stuck lid.  Please see the attached pictures to literally illustrate my predicament.  As you can see, the lid is still securely in the grasp of the One-Touch Can Opener.  This is not the first time that this has happened to me with this unit.  Sometimes I am able to persuade the can opener to relinquish the lid after an extra press of the button.  This time, all the extra touching is not working.  Right now I am left with what amounts to an expensive plastic and metal rock with batteries on my kitchen counter.  This can-opener-come-rock currently has no purpose (other than annoying me each time I see it).  I have only had it for a month or two.  It has fresh batteries.  Prior to it being rendered useless, it did not get much use.

I had previously owned a One-Touch can opener that eventually encountered the same problem.  I was able to look past the fact that the product named One-Touch took several touches (after many many false starts) to operate.  I was able to handle the fact that would occasionally cut tiny ribbons of the can label and drop it into my food.  The scraps were generally easy to find and pick out.  I was able to accept that it would occasionally tumble off of a can when finished removing the lid, possibly also knocking over the can in the process.  It was still a time saver when making things like my award-winning chili or my easy comfort-food nine can vegetable soup.  (Although, were I a betting man… I would place money on me being faster at opening a can with a P-38 army can opener.)

I had assumed that when I tried to forcibly remove the lid from my first One-Touch can opener I possibly broke something.  It no longer responded to my touch.  I checked the batteries.  I tried different-sized cans.  I tried to use the Force. (I tried the light side at first, and eventually the dark side.  Anger does lead to hate, just like Yoda said.  Hate also eventually led to my wallet suffering.)  All of my peaceful attempts were to no avail.  Perhaps using pliers to savagely pry the lid from the mighty grip of the mindless One-Touch was a bad idea.  I had chalked it up to me being an idiot, and resigned to just purchase a new one.

I did purchase a new one, from Bed Bath & Beyond I believe, and we have arrived at the situation which I presented at the beginning of this email.  I am left with the stuck can lid and useless One-Touch can opener in the attached photos.

I’m not exactly sure what my end game is here.  My plan was to write to you to inform you of the situation, see if there were others who have encountered the same problem, and see what you may offer as a solution.  I would say that acceptable courses of action would include (but are not limited to) the following:

• Advice as to how to properly get the One-Touch Can Opener to relinquish the can lid that it so dearly embraces.
• A new improved functioning One-Touch (if that exists).
• About $20 worth of U.S. Army issued P-38’s or other functioning non-electrical can openers.  I arrived at this figure for roughly (and I’m rounding down): $15 for the One-Touch and $5 for name-brand batteries.

Of course if you would like to offer a more agreeable recompensation, I’m open to suggestions.  I feel that I deserve at least something after two of your products have failed on me in rather rapid succession.  Surely you concur?  Most reasonable people would.

Thank you for your time and assistance.  I look forward to your reply and suggested resolution.  I’m anxious to remove the $20 plastic & metal decorative functionless One-Touch rock from my kitchen counter.

May the Force Be With You,
-Eric
.seitilibasid gninrael fo nuf ekam ot ynnuf ton yllaer s’tI

I hope I get some sort of response.  Until then, I will stick with my favorite can-opener: The P-38.  I will race a functioning One-Touch (if you can find one), and I will win.  It’s simple, small, and for the cost of one One-Touch I can get 50 of them from Ralph’s Army Surplus.  I’d even take a P-51, or an Australian FRED.  My grandma always kept a P-38 inside an old pill bottle in the drawer beside the silverware.  I learned to use that before I learned to cook, I think.

Size comparison of P-51 and P-38 openers (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

F.R.E.D. – Currently employed by the Australian Army and New Zealand Army in its ration kits. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

What kind of can opener do you use?  There is a ridiculous amount of different types of can openers out there.  May I persuade you to not waste your time or money in purchasing a One-Touch?  You will most certainly have to touch it several times.  It’s false advertising.  I feel stupid for having to have purchased two of them before I realized that it was not operator error, but a terrible product.

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