Oh man. Does anyone remember my W(aL)D email shenanigans from a decade ago?
One such adventure was writing to Totino’s to ask if they had recommendations for microwaving more than 6 at a time. They wrote back. I asked them if I needed to arrange the rolls like wagon wheel spokes or like wagons on the Oregon Trail circling for protection. I even got some 35¢ coupons that I considered as a research grant.
Have you noticed pizza roll cooking instructions lately?
I won!Information for the people!Research to benefit the masses!
Really though. This brings up a new series of questions.
When did just arranging in “a single layer become” acceptable? Who does Totino’s think they are discarding the time-honored tradition of microwaving things in a circle? Did we learn nothing from our ancestors at Stonehenge? Did they consult the Softstix team over at SuperPretzel, or just roll forward (pun still intended) with wild abandon? How do you summon the flavor spirits without the ceremonial circle?
Has the Fibonacci spiral ever been tested as a cooking pattern? Can Ci3 make me a plate specifically for microwaving pizza rolls and little cheese-filled pretzels with the Fibonacci spiral on it?
The following information was supplied by Dormont Police. Where arrests or charges are mentioned, it does not indicate a conviction. | By Erin Faulk
March 17
Dormont Police were called to a home in the 1300 block of Mississippi Avenue for a report of a male who had been a guest in the home but was refusing to leave. [Some Dude], 20, of Beechview, was cited for underage drinking.
March 18
A man was charged with simple assault and endangering the welfare of a child after police were called to a home in the 1600 block of Montpelier Avenue for a report of a violent domestic. The incident occurred at 7:45 p.m.
March 19
Dormont police responded to a report of a man punching a car in a parking lot in the 3200 block of West Liberty Avenue at 12:15 a.m. [Some Dude], 26, of Dormont, was charged with disorderly conduct and public drunkenness.
March 20
Police responded to a report than an unknown man was in the basement of an apartment building in the 1100 block of Illinois Avenue at 2 a.m. When police arrived, the man, identified as 19-year-old [Crazy Dude] of Beechview, appeared to be sleeping on the basement floor. According to the police report, [Dude] began jumping around and screaming, and charged toward the police officers when they woke him up. Police tased [Dude] and took him to the Dormont police station. [Dude] was arraigned on charges of public drunkenness, loitering and prowling, unlawful entry, and various crimes code violations.
March 21
Police were called to the CoGos at 1530 Potomac Ave. for a report of an intoxicated man trying to shoplift items from the store. Police found the man in the parking lot with no stolen items in his possession. [Some Dude], 25, of Mount Oliver was charged with public drunkenness.
March 22
While on patrol at 5:30 p.m., police saw a man passed out on a bench on Potomac Avenue. According to the police report, the man appeared to be under the influence of some type of drug. Police found syringe in his pocket, suspected heroin residue and a silver spoon. [Some Dude], 25, of Churchill, was taken to the Dormont police station and lodged overnight. He was charged with narcotics possession.
March 24
Police responded to a report of a fight between two men taking place in the street in the 1600 block of Hillsdale Avenue at 9:42 a.m. [Some Dude], 44, of Dormont, was charged with disorderly conduct.
Three people face charges after running from their car during a traffic stop at 12:10 p.m. Police stopped a car in the 2900 block of Glenmore Avenue for going the wrong way on a one-way street. All three people in the car ran from the vehicle. Dormont police caught one man in a foot chase off of West Liberty Avenue. Baldwin Township police arrested the other two at the intersection of Castlegate and Woodburn avenues. [Some Dude], 20, of Beechview, and two juveniles were charged with disorderly conduct, traffic offenses and various crimes code violations.
March 25
Police responded to a report of two people fighting in Beggs Synder Park near Illinois Avenue at 4:57 p.m. [Some Dude] and a juvenile, both of Dormont, were charged with disorderly conduct.
March 26
Police responded to a report of an intoxicated woman on the LRT platform on Potomac Avenue at 7:50 p.m. [Some Chick], 30, of Mt. Lebanon, was charged with public drunkenness.
March 28
Allegheny County Adult Probation and DEA officials notified Dormont police of an arrest warrant for a Dormont man for violating probation terms. Police responded to an apartment in the 2800 block of West Liberty Avenue at 4 p.m., where [Some Dude], 32, of Dormont was stopped outside of the building and taken back inside. According to the police report, 393 stamp bags of suspected heroin were found on [Dude] and 50 more stamp bags of suspected heroin were found in the apartment, along with 14 bags of marijuana and several capsules of suspected ecstasy. A two-month-old child was in a crib in the apartment. [Dude] and [Some Other Dude], 34, of Brookline, were arraigned on charges of narcotics possession, and various drug and drug equipment violations. CYS was contacted, and the child was returned to its mother’s care.
Follow Dormont-Brookline Patch on Facebook and Twitter. For more news, sign up for our email Newsletter.
Anyone else notice a common theme? Besides being wildly amusing (like the guy dumb enough to charge police that needed tazed), there seems to be a lot of public drunkenness around here. Ha ha. I’m not judging or hating, just saying that it’s odd that so many incidents where police needed called involved either public drunkenness or narcotics possession.
If you & your friends are in Dormont getting drunk… maybe you should look out for each other. Don’t let your friends break into apartment buildings to sleep it off in the basement, punch cars, get into drunken fights, try to shoplift, charge at officers of the law, or hang out on the T platform creeping out other potential passengers. Apparently you shouldn’t get rocked & overstay your welcome either.
I’m amazed that the police have never been to our neighbors’ house to to drunken debauchery that happens there during every Steelers game & most Pens games. Perhaps they’re cool enough to look out for each other, and we’re cool enough to not call the cops because of their drunken loudness.
Also, perhaps you shouldn’t do (or sell) ecstasy, heroin, or weed… especially with a baby in your apartment.
There was blogging, there was voting. There was certainly some goofiness. I still haven’t been contacted by anyone at CBS. I know other bloggers have. Just so they know, the contact form on my blog works quite well. There was something about prizes, but the rules detailing how one could claim a prize are gone. I really thought I had no chance of winning, as there are so many cool blogs out there. I’m not sure what kind of bragging rights this gives me. Do I get a T-shirt or stickers or something? “Hey, I’m annoying and goofy on the internet!”
It’s good to know that I’m the people’s choice, and not the editor’s choice. I blog for the people, not for the editors. I bet I won begrudgingly. Ha ha. They were probably all like “Oh crap, not that one!”. I have to say thank you to whoever nominated me, and thank you for all my friends & family (& readers – who most likely fall into one of the aforementioned groups) who voted!
I call shenanigans on Only In Pittsburgh & Beyond Willpower not winning at least one “choice” in their respective categories. It’s also odd that some of the people’s choice & editor’s choice were the same thing… Why not spread the love? I will go all mushy on you now, & say that everyone wins here, because we all got some exposure & hopefully traffic to our blogs that we might not have had before. I’ve even added a few of these to my WordPress reader/feed. Go check out all the blogs and their descriptions, and see if there’s something that piques your interest!
Hopefully we all say “yinz” without noticing and with pride. Thanks CBS & Pittsburgh! And, of course, thanks to these guys & gals for letting me know what’s up!
Thanks Peeps!
CBSPittsburgh.com’s Most Valuable Blogger Awards 2011
I got 3 of these bad boys, entitling me to a whole 35¢ off of one Totino’s product. One dollar and five cents off of three Totino’s products? I’m sure I get more than that when I use my Giant Eagle Advantage Card & get them on a regular sale. Maybe Giant Eagle will double these since they’re less than a dollar… So I’ll be getting $2.10 worth of free pizza rolls. I wonder what the regular price is?
Right now, Giant Eagle has Totino’s Pizza Rolls on sale… 3 boxes for $8. They say they’re normally 3 for $10. So… About 40 rolls in the 19.8 oz. bag, 35¢ would get me 4 pizza rolls? And, I’d only be able to use one coupon with this special, as the Giant Eagle website states that you must buy 3 bags in order to get the $2 off, and the back of the coupon states that no other coupon is to be used with this coupon. Does the sale act as a coupon? If not, I could still only use the one coupon at a time… so out of 120 pizza rolls, a whopping 4 would be free?
Perhaps this was a karmic slap in the face? Maybe a well-deserved one. You’d think they would simply either not offer any coupons at all… or offer some coupons that are actually worth something… like a BOGO or at least a dollar off. Perhaps they’re just cheap, or this is all they’re authorized to give out? It cost them 38¢ to mail me the damn coupons! That would have been 4 or 5 more free pizza rolls had they emailed me some coupons. Maybe they know I’m goofing on them.
The letter accompanying the coupons is quite amusing…
When I see someone write “the internet”, I always think of the guy to the right. I have no idea why. I just do. It sounds archaic written down like that. THE INTERNET! HA! HA!
Not sure where to go from here. Do I write back, and ask for more research funding? Do I ask to talk to someone else who may be able to offer more money? Do I write to completely unrelated organizations and as for research grants? Has anyone reading this ever applied for a grant? Should I include a research proposal? Maybe I should just write back, super-excited about the $1.05, saying what a generous gift it is. Maybe I should ask to speak directly to General Mills or Totino himself? Heh. I feel confident in turning this up a notch.
Also… research will definitely go forward. I will need some time to assemble my team (although, I think I already know who’s in), procure the test product, and schedule a date for the study.
Not too long ago, I wrote to the maker’s of Totino’s Pizza Rolls(which I soon discovered was Pillsbury/General Mills) to ask about microwave cooking times for quantities of more than the reccommended 6 at a time. The answer seemed to be pretty vague, as most corporate replies are. Of course, I was determined to ask further questions — goaded onward by many of you here and on other places around the ‘net. Here’s where I’d like to share my reply to them, and of course their latest response. Thanks to Dave again for the editing help here!
from ERiC AiXeLsyD world.and.lunar.domination@gmail.com to Corporate.Response@genmills.com; Pillsbury@emails.pillsbury.com date Tue, Mar 2, 2010 at 2:39 PM subject Re: Your Response From “Pillsbury” – 2010/02/12-0715 XTB mailed-by gmail.com
Hello Ms. Boyd,
Thank you for the quick and thorough response! (Apologies if the “Ms.” should be a “Mr.”, I know the name Tracy can go either way!) In reading your response, I have a few more questions, and perhaps a proposal for your consideration. I do enjoy the quickness/convenience of cooking in the microwave versus using a conventional oven. Perhaps I should learn to use the toaster oven as a compromise?
The first thought brought to mind was that perhaps I may be doing something wrong. The instructions say to arrange the rolls in a circle on a plate. Would this be “in a circle” like spokes of a wheel, or “in a circle” like covered wagons circling around weary travelers? I haven’t ever really put much thought into it until now, thinking I may perhaps be doing it wrong as there is no picture on the box to illustrate.
I’m somewhat confused as to the 8 pizza rolls for 45 seconds, as the recommended time for 6 rolls is (I believe) 55 seconds. Typically, I go for 1:05 so that the middle isn’t still cold. I’m also aware that all microwaves are different, and may vary, so I accept that my microwave is behind the curve, if you will. I will have to try 8 rolls at a time, and may even venture into as of yet uncharted 10 or 12 roll at a time territory. I know this may be a cavalier attitude, but it’s just how I roll. (Pun intended.) I will take into consideration that it has been “highly suggested” that I cook more than 8 in a conventional oven.
Along these same lines, I’m fascinated that no more than 8 rolls at a time have been put into the microwave at once in your test kitchens. Is this really the case, or have trials involving more than 8 rolls at a time manifested disastrous results? Is there some sort of moratorium on adventurous cooking? I know that if I had access to a bunch of pizza rolls, and a bunch of microwave ovens… I’d feel it was my duty to push past the ambit of acceptability into the realm of ridiculousness.
I have bounced my ideas off of a few like-minded individuals, and we are prepared to do a public service by testing Totino’s pizza rolls in varying quantities, cooking times, and microwave ovens while making video and statistical documentation of the results. I have safety goggles, a food thermometer, hot pads, a video camera on loan, and, obviously, a microwave oven. The only thing that we require now would be copious amounts of pizza rolls.
While I’m guessing that you’re not officially able to get behind such a study, would you be able to provide coupons for the pizza rolls, or perhaps donate them altogether? Certainly the prospect of someone embarking upon new microwave cooking frontiers would be exciting not only to you, but to the scientists/chefs/technicians in your test kitchens. We would, of course, be more than happy to share all of our results, which you in turn would be able to use (or ignore) at your discretion.
I would like to thank you for your time and continued correspondence. I truly appreciate the fact that Pillsbury/General Mills takes the time to respond to its consumers’ web inquiries with real emails from real people.
Respectfully Yours,
-Eric Aixelsyd
I thought that was a pretty straight-forward email with some easily answered questions & an interesting proposal. Apparently I crossed the ridiculousness line for Ms./Mr./Mrs. Boyd, though. I don’t know why, but I read the following response with the “not amused” tone.
from Corporate.Response@genmills.com to world.and.lunar.domination@gmail.com date Tue, Mar 2, 2010 at 6:47 PM subject Your Response From “Pillsbury” – 2010/03/02-5183 XTB mailed-by genmills.com
Hello Mr. Aixelsyd:
Thank you for contacting Pillsbury with your inquiry.
In regards to your question, we have not tested for more than 8 pizza rolls at a time.
If you wish to try this, it would be at your discretion. Please note that when adding more products into a microwave to cook ( ie 16 pizza rolls instead of 8 ) and trying to adjust the cooking temperature will not harm the safety of the product, but may change the quality, such as hardening of the crust or uneven cooking, etc.
As a one time good will gesture, we will send some cents off certificates in which you should receive within 20 business days.
We hope you find this information helpful. Please let us know if we can help you again.
Thank you,
Tracy Boyd
Customer Care Specialist
Coupons! Nice. This will be a long 20 business days. I can’t believe that they’re actually sending coupons. I wonder what the amount will be? I have to do the testing now. I have officially gone past the point of no return. I must complete this absurd task… and I must do it right the first time. I’m assuming that “one time good will gesture” means that they’ve had enough of my shenanigans.
So, they definitely have not tested more than 8 at a time in the microwave. Why? I know I would. You know you would. Hopefully, with the help of my esteemed colleagues, we will remedy this situation. The world will know the limits of pizza rolls in the microwave.
Interestingly, my question about pizza roll circle placement went wholly ignored, as did the more personal inquisition as to Tracy’s gender. Not that the second one matters, but perhaps it iw what pushed the button. The circle question was quite important, though. I’m surprised that there’s no drawing on the box/bag. There are certainly illustrations out there for much more obvious sets of directions.
I can only imagine what went through his/her head as she read the “wagon wheels” line. Ha ha ha.
So, this leaves us wondering…
How did they know that safety would not be an issue but the quality would degrade if they didn’t do any testing past the magic 8?
Seriously, now… Does “in a circle” mean like spokes of a wheel, or like circling covered wagons?
Is Tracy a man or a woman?
Luckily, Tracy said “Please let us know if we can help you again.” I believe that we do again need some help. Is another reply in order here, or do we just save it for inclusion with our test results?
Who doesn’t like Totino’s® Pizza Rolls® Pizza Snacks? More importantly, who eats only six at a time? Maybe for a small snack… or maybe I just eat too much. I don’t have them often, but when I do… I most assuredly want more than six.
I realize that I could cook more than six at once and figure out the timing on my own… but that wouldn’t be any fun now, would it? I decided to write to the maker’s of Totino’s, who (previously unbeknownst to me) happen to be Pillsbury. I clicked around until I found their webform, and submitted this…
Hello Friends,
I write to you today regarding Totino’s Pizza Rolls. These little snacks are awesome, my friends. I love to eat them as a snack while I’m watching my favorite TV shows or Penguins hockey.
My problem though, is that I’m fat… and I need more than the 6 at a time that’s listed on the package in the cooking suggestions.
Certainly your portly Pillsbury mascot could appreciate my situation? I’d like to suggest that the bags & boxes also include cooking recommendations for 12 at a time… or more.
Usually 12 can satisfy my snack cravings, although sometimes I go for 18. Maybe you could include instructions for 13, a baker’s dozen as they say?
In the mean time, before you’re able to print new cooking instructions on the bags & boxes… can you just send me a chart of larger quantities and suggested cooking times?
Thank you for your time, I can’t wait to hear from you. (I can appreciate how valuable time is… like when I try to cook two batches of 6 rolls during the commercials!)
Inquisitively,
-Eric
Which I thought was a little goofy, but not over-the-top. Apparently this is a request that’s made often. The answer seems well practiced…
from Corporate.Response@genmills.com to world.and.lunar.domination@gmail.com date Sun, Feb 14, 2010 at 2:01 PM subject Your Response From “Pillsbury” – 2010/02/12-0715 XTB mailed-by genmills.com
Hello Mr. Aixelsyd:
Thank you for contacting Pillsbury with your inquiry.
Unfortunately, the most that we have tested for in our kitchen is 8 pizza rolls in the microwave, in which you would place on a microwave safe plate in a circle and cook on high for 45 seconds (noting that microwave oven temperatures can vary). If you are intersted in baking more, I would highly suggest following the directions for the oven. Please be assured that your comments and suggestions will be shared with our product specialists.
We hope you find this information helpful. Please let us know if we can help you again.
Thank you,
Tracy Boyd
Customer Care Specialist
I’m going to have to write back, and get goofier. My inquiry was taken absolutely seriously. I really can’t believe that there are food scientists or chefs out there that have a job that involves putting things in microwaves… and they haven’t gone past 8 at a time? Ridiculous. You know that you’d try to at least do a whole bag at once… if not two or three. Look… I can’t even control my use of italics. Can you imagine if I had a microwave and some goo-filled little exploding pods at my disposal? Microwaves are cheap enough these days. I’ll take donations… I’ll need a microwave and more Totino’s Pizza Rolls than you can count, and the trials will begin. For more fun, I’ll need someone to help & video.
World (and Lunar) Domination 