It’s a Burlington, not a Target.

Neighborhood Facebook groups and Nextdoor. They have a lot in common. Typically, the posts fall in one of these categories:

• Fireworks or gun shots? It’s loud. No one cleared either with me.
• What are all the sirens for? Where are they?
• There is a suspicions person or group of teenagers walking around the neighborhood.
• I found a hair in my pizza and thought I would try to destroy the livelihood of all involved.
• Solicitation of professional goods and services, only by “a college student” or “retiree” willing to severely undercut prices for those professional services.

On a side note, I highly recommend @bestofnextdoor on Twitter.

But then there’s the worst kind. It starts innocently enough. Someone wants to know what is going in to an old building that’s vacant or being torn down/renovated. Then someone jokes, a bank, a mattress store, or Spirit Halloween.

Then. Then, its the worst. People answer the question with what they want to go there, but with authority (or lack of basic writing skills) and make it seem like that is what is going there.

They wish. They guess.

They equate real concrete answers to be as equally fanciful to their own.

The latest in my area after the never-ending round of “what is being built in the old Pizza Hut,” is what will occupy the long-abandoned Kmart location. (Please, watch Pittsburgh Dad try to find an open Pizza Hut.) I mean, I have no love for the Hut… but why do they always cut n’ run?

To further complicate things, as is standard practice in at least Southwestern Pennsylvania… our town and township borders do not match the zip codes and mailing addresses. Just because a building has a Bridgeville mailing address, it doesn’t mean it’s actually in Bridgeville.

People are wishing hard for Target, and Chick-fil-A . Then people say they don’t want Target or Chick-fil-A. Also, no one can spell Chick-fil-A, even as they are replying to something that mentions it and spells it correctly. It’s always Chic Filet or Chik Fila or something equally absurd. It’s a small, but maddening detail.

Actual photo of 50% of the local population.

I bring you, the saga of Burlington and most likely Ross moving into the old Bridgeville Kmart location, as presented by local Facebook groups and Nextdoor, and as ignored by members of local Facebook groups and Nextdoor. It’s all over local social media if you look, but no one an handle the search button. It generally looks like this, people: 🔍

• Nextdoor:
  • (Oct 26): Businesses coming to Bridgeville.
  • (Apr 19): Old Kmart in Chartiers Valley Shopping Center.
  • (Jun 16): Old Kmart on Washington Pike
  • (Jun 28): What’s Happening With Old Kmart?
  • (Jun 30): Does anyone know what they are building where Pizza Hut in Bridgeville.
  • (Aug 12): What is being built in the old Kmart site in Bridgeville/Chartier Valley mall ?
  • (Aug 14): I think I heard a sasquatch last night, it was out walking its pet chupacabra.
  • (Aug 26): Target.
  • (Aug 29): Target??
• Facebook | You know you’re from Bridgeville when…:
  • (Aug 27): ~ If you haven’t been to Chartiers Valley Shopping Center lately (Avoid it today, traffic is a real mess), here’s what must be the new Burlington going up …
  • (Jun 18): What is that 🔍 button for?
  • (Apr 11): Anyone know what’s going in where Kmart was ? Rip Kmart
  • (Apr 3): Demolition Permit on the old K-Mart
  • (Mar 12): You know how it used to smell like poop in Kmart?
  • (Mar 9): So I was just told Bridgeville Kmart has a sign on the door that it is going to become Big Lots.
  • (Jan 6): Does anyone have any idea what the old Kmart on Washington Pike is going to be turned into?
  • (Aug 22): Anybody know what the plans are for the old kmart?
  • (Nov 3): Bring back Taco Bell!!! 🌮 let’s make a petition starting here!!
  • (Aug 26): Someone told me that Target and Chick fil a was going to be coming to Bridgeville shopping center by Giant Eagle. I hope its true.
  • (Oct 11): Going up on the old Kmart…
  • (Jun 18): Does anyone know what is going in the old K-Mart building and have you heard rumors of a Chick-fil-a coming this way soon, too?
  • (Apr 16): Anyone know what is happening down at the old k-mart…there is a fence around the front of the building
  • (Apr 19): For anyone interested, there is a public meeting for anyone interested in the variances that Chick-Fil-A and Burlington have requested for Chartiers Valley Shopping Center. You can read their requests here:
  • (Mar 4): I bet he’s thinking about other women.
  • (Jan 4): K-mart is closing …. 🙁
  • (July 28): This may have been asked before but is anything going to go in the old Office Max?
• Facebook | Bridgeville PA Area Community Discussions:
  • (Jul 16): Does anyone know what’s happening with the old Kmart?
  • (Jul 28): Posted in another Bridgeville group but maybe I should have posted here.
  • (Feb 3): Is anything moving into the old Kmart?
  • (Apr 11): Anyone know what’s going in the space where Kmart was?
  • (Sep 8): Also, is there or is there not a Dominos in the surrounding area of Bridgeville up at the shopping district?
• Facebook | What’s Going On In Scott?
  • (Aug 29): What are they building at the Chartiers valley shopping center in the old Kmart?
  • (Jun 14): I know this has been asked, but what is coming to the old kmart by Giant Eagle?

I mean, if only all these could somehow link back to each other, and the actual factual information could be sorted out.

I hope they got the smell out of the building. That Kmart used to totally smell like poop over by the K Café.

All sings point to Burlington replacing Kmart and Chick-fil-A razing & rebuilding where the current empty Taco Bell lies. Ross and a Pet Smart may be squeezed into the Kmart space also. A little birdie told me because they saw my repeated request for factual information in these threads. A true journalist can’t reveal their source, right?

• 

• 

It’s Burlington. And maybe Ross, and PetSmart… and maybe even something else. It’s definitely not a Target.

🎯

My personal prediction: 6 months after Burlington opens in Bridgeville/Collier Township, people will still be asking (via Facebook community groups and Nextdoor) what is going in at the old Kmart location… and other people will still be answering that they drove by and saw red so it must be a Target. 🤦‍♂️

Actual factual information:

• Collier Township Zoning Hearing Board on Burlington: ZHB-2021-0005
• Collier Township Zoning Hearing Board on Chick-fil-A: ZHB-2021-0003
• Google Maps: Burlington – Opening Fall 2021
• Retail Properties: Chartiers Kmart Brochure 12.9.19.indd
• BJ’s Wholesale: Opening Soon In South Fayette
• Hanna Commercial Real Estate: The Piazza South Fayette
• Bridgeville.org: Restaurant Complex Planned for Former Star City Site in South Fayette
• Bridgeville Borough
• Bridgeville.org
• Collier Township
• South Fayette Township

Thank you for coming to my TURD ^{_{(Totally Unfounded Rumor Department)}} Talk.

OK. I really need to go do something more productive with my time now.

Please, feel free to share your actual factual information in the comments, or wildly speculative conjecture. Apparently feelings are facts everywhere these days, not just in politics.

Diarrhea & the CDC

With the world plunged into chaos due to COVID-19, it is important to remember other ways to keep safe.

🏊‍♀️💩🏊‍♂️

Thankfully, the CDC has your back! They also have secured the services of a graphic designer that is nothing short of a hero.

Diarrhea will never not be funny. Well, maybe if you lived at the time of the Oregon Trail it may have not been funny.

Diarrhea makes me laugh. Pizza Hut and Taco Bell jokes make me laugh. Remember the Pizza Hut maze and tweet? Government makes me laugh. Twitter makes me revile in disgust, but also laugh.

So @CDCgov, @CDC_eHealth, & @CDCDirector, does this mean you shouldn't eat at @TacoBell or @PizzaHut before swimming?
https://t.co/68GiTU0zot pic.twitter.com/Ekh3l7IwXG

— 𝙰𝚒𝚇𝚎𝙻𝚜𝚢𝙳𝟷𝟹🎸 (@AiXeLsyD13) June 29, 2020

I wonder if the government or Yum! Brands will reply?

I once got a proclamation about food allergies from then-Governor Ed Rendell containing the word diarrhea and I was ecstatic.

This was equally exciting.

🧻🦄🚽

Guest Post: How 2 Take Care of a Dog

So, my 6 year old handed me a book that she wrote/illustrated at school.  I didn’t realize they had that much free time.  Apparently her teacher is an accomplice with the stapling of said book.  It’s a conspiracy.

 

How 2 Take Care of a Dog.

1. First give her food and water.

2. Take her for (a) poop.

3. Take her for a wake. [I really hope she means walk here, but a dog at a wake may be fun.]

4. Snuggle with her.

5. Wash her. [May I suggest this step comes before the last one?]

6. Play with her.

7. Put her to sleep. [Oh, how I don’t even want to think about that phrasing and we don’t even have a dog.]

How to Take Care of a Dog

1. First give her food and water.
2. Take her for (a) poop.
3. Take her for a wake. [I really hope she means walk here, but a dog at a wake may be fun.]
4. Snuggle with her.
5. Wash her. [May I suggest this step comes before the last one?]
6. Play with her.
7. Put her to sleep. [Oh, how I don’t even want to think about that phrasing and we don’t even have a dog.]

My daughter is also conspiring with her 4 year old brother to take up a collection to “buy” a dog. Someone must have dropped a $50 figure to them for dog adoption from a shelter, because that is their goal.

Missing from this expert plan is picking up poop from the yard.

Patience is a virtue. Totino’s pushes the boundaries of scientific research thanks to me.

“arrange the rolls in a circle on a plate”

Oh man.  Does anyone remember my W(aL)D email shenanigans from a decade ago?

One such adventure was writing to Totino’s to ask if they had recommendations for microwaving more than 6 at a time.  They wrote back.  I asked them if I needed to arrange the rolls like wagon wheel spokes or like wagons on the Oregon Trail circling for protection.  I even got some 35¢ coupons that I considered as a research grant.

Have you noticed pizza roll cooking instructions lately?

View this post on Instagram

Remember when I wrote to @totinos and asked them for instructions on microwaving more than 6 pizza rolls at a time? https://wp.me/pwqzc-70 You're welcome. Here I am, pushing scientific research and innovation. 🧪🧫🔬⚙⚛🍕

A post shared by Eric Carroll (@aixelsyd13) on Feb 9, 2020 at 9:01am PST

I won! Information for the people! Research to benefit the masses!

Really though.  This brings up a new series of questions.

When did just arranging in “a single layer become” acceptable?  Who does Totino’s think they are discarding the time-honored tradition of microwaving things in a circle?  Did we learn nothing from our ancestors at Stonehenge?  Did they consult the Softstix team over at SuperPretzel, or just roll forward (pun still intended) with wild abandon?  How do you summon the flavor spirits without the ceremonial circle?

Has the Fibonacci spiral ever been tested as a cooking pattern?  Can Ci3 make me a plate specifically for microwaving pizza rolls and little cheese-filled pretzels with the Fibonacci spiral on it?

Magic Shell, Magic Poop?

I bought some Magic Shell a while ago, and I thought I’d have some fun with Smucker’s.  It really did have a bad aftertaste, but I decided to take the goofy up a notch.

I submitted the following to their webform:

Hello Friends,

I’d like to start out by saying I’m a big fan of your jellies. Of course I like grape, and we use the apricot preserves in a barbecue recipe. Mixed fruit jelly is my favorite by far. I’m always quite pleased when a restaurant has it in those little packets, and we usually buy 2 jars at a time for home. Why don’t they come in the big jars? That’s a question for another time though. I’m also a fan of your hot fudge topping. It’s the only brand we buy. You guys have it right.

This brings us around to why I am writing… This past weekend, I picked up some Chocolate Fudge Magic Shell at Walmart, because the shelf near the ice cream was void of your hot fudge topping & Hershey’s syrup. I remember having magic shell as a kid, but I’m unsure of the brand. I think I’ve even had the dipped cones at Dairy Queen too.

I didn’t get around to enjoying the Magic Shell until last night when I poured it over some Edy’s Slow Churned Cookie Dough ice cream. I’m not embarrassed to tell you that I was easily amazed at how the shell froze in a few seconds. I have to say it was also quite delicious and a good combination… except the after taste. It came on slowly, but it tasted like what I imagine licking cigarette ashes would taste like after you had just chewed an aspirin and left it on your tongue. It was odd, but I figured it may have perhaps been some artificial sweetener. I didn’t think much else of it.

Excuse me for being frank, but this morning, I had some constipation issues. My wife would attest that I am generally quite regular… or she may even say I heed nature’s call too often. The only thing that I ate out of normal yesterday would be your Magic Shell. I checked the ingredients to see of there was some sort of wax or anything that may be setting up camp in my colon, and I was surprised of the lack of anything sinister. Well, I’m not a fan of coconut, so the oil or even the alkali-processed cocoa may account for the aftertaste that didn’t agree with me. I’m not sure what whole milk solids are… and how they’re different from cheese. Have you guys ever had someone write in with the same problem? Do milk solids or soy lecithin cause blocked bowels? Have you done any research in this area?

I think I may stick with the regular hot fudge topping from now on. Even if there’s no issue with the Magic Shell, it has me kind of spooked.

Obstructed but Optimistic,
-Waldo Lunar

And, I got this boring reply:

From: consumer.relations@jmsmucker.com
Date: Thu, Mar 14, 2013 at 8:26 AM
Subject: Reference Number: 10026410
To: world.and.lunar.domination@gmail.com

March 13, 2013

Mr. Waldo Lunar
1111 Street Rd.
Earth, PA 22222

Dear Mr. Lunar,

Thank you for contacting The J.M. Smucker Company regarding Smucker’s® Magic Shell® Chocolate Fudge Topping. We greatly appreciate and value the input we receive from our consumers.

In order for us to best assist you, we would like to obtain some additional product information. Please, contact us toll-free by calling 888-550-9555, Monday through Friday, 9:00 a.m. to 7:00 p.m. Eastern Standard Time. When you call, it would be helpful to have the product available and to provide the representative with the reference number located at the bottom of this message. This product information will assist us in thoroughly reviewing your inquiry.

BIUB (Best If Used By) date
Production code (Located near the Best If Used By date)
City where purchased
Storage information
Detailed description of the issue

Thank you again for contacting The J.M. Smucker Company. We look forward to speaking with you soon.

Sincerely,
Carla
Consumer Relations Representative

Ref # 10026410

So, I wrote back:

From: world.and.lunar.domination@gmail.com
Date: Mon, Mar 18, 2013 at 8:22 PM
Subject: Re: Reference Number: 10026410
To: consumer.relations@jmsmucker.com

Thanks Carla,

I prefer email to the telephone, hence why I used the online form in the first place. I can, however, provide the information requested:

BIUB (Best If Used By) date: SEP 2014
Production code (Located near the Best If Used By date): 10 0459
City where purchased: Bridgeville, PA
Storage information: On the kitchen counter.
Detailed description of the issue: Well, since I wrote with the issue already, & just received this seemingly standard reply, I’ll again give you my original missive…

[original email]

If you need further details, I’m not sure I’m prepared to share. So, have others emailed or called to complain? I can only assume so if you’re looking at a lot number. Does Magic Shell induce constipation on a regular basis?

Puzzled,
-Waldo Lunar

This came in the mail this weekend:

Letter from Smucker’s

Along with some coupons:

I found it quite amusing, but they never did address the constipation.  I won’t be buying any more magic shell with these coupons.  It really did have a horrible aftertaste.  Maybe I’ll buy some hot fudge, or more mixed fruit jelly.

On an unrelated note, I’ve never understood their slogan;  “With a name like Smucker’s, it’s got to be good.”  Are they implying that their name us stupid or sounds unappetizing?  Odd.  I’d be all like “If you don’t like Smucker’s, you’re a sucker.”  …or something.

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Go ahead, push the button… I dare you.

You know I hate public restrooms.  This sign may be a wave of the future.  Think it’s a good idea?  Think it will work?  Is it too easy to abuse?

Intimidating button…

I saw a full garbage can, & thought about pressing the button…but thought it may only be for emergencies not maintenance.  I didn’t want to be the guy that whined about the garbage can being full.  Then again, I’d rather empty a trash bag than pick it up off of the floor if I were an employee there.

Is a button the way to solve all of your bathroom problems? This reminded me of the pull-strings in hospital bathrooms.  Ha ha.  If you find one of these buttons, I dare you to push it & yell “I need someone to wipe!”

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Dear Hotel Architects…

I’m not an architect, or a contractor, or even a toilet salesman… but I think I’ve found a flaw in a certain type of hotel room / bathroom setup.  I’m no germaphobe, but I believe this design to be quite unsanitary.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

What design?  The sink outside of the bathroom design.

Sure, it’s convenient to shave or brush your teeth while someone else is pooping or showering… But at what cost do we purchase this convenience?  The cost of a bazillion tiny germs all over the inside of the door handle after you wipe and before you wash your hands.  Sure, you can grab an extra wad of toilet paper for your journey outside.  How many people do that though?  How much microscopic fecal matter is already on that door handle?  Did the maid think to wipe it down?  What if you forget after you get out of the shower?  You just washed yourself, and now your hand may venture into a feculent festival of filth.

Am I doing something wrong here?  Am I missing something?  Let’s get this right so I don’t have to touch poop-encrusted (albeit microbial poop) door handles.

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Ernie and the Berts “EveryBody Poops” [Video]

Have you seen this yet?  It’s a work in progress.  We need your feedback.  Comment here, on ErnieAndTheBerts.com, or on YouTube.  Please?

Thanks to Howler’s and their new recording setup for this awesome video!

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Pizza Hut actually █████████ to a █████ but then ███████ it.

I tweeted this…

https://twitter.com/#!/AiXeLsyD13/status/195873642356281344

They tweeted this…

https://twitter.com/#!/pizzahut/status/195944183775756289

(They have since deleted it.)

I tweeted this…

https://twitter.com/#!/AiXeLsyD13/status/195996342273839106

Of course, this was all in reference to my apparently infamous maze.  We’ll see if we get a reply.  I’m guessing not, since they deleted their tweet.

Wow.  Do they have an internal policy regarding not answering me?  Holy cow, that is so funny.  Luckily I have a screenshot show that the tweet did indeed exist.

Fantastic.

I caught your tweet, Pizza Hut!  Ha ha.  You responded to me.  I win.

I almost forgot, they never responded to this either:

Do you think they "get" that it makes me poop?

I still don’t think they can tell me where, why, or how their sauce comes into contact with shellfish.

…or why it makes me poop like no tomorrow.  Perhaps they deleted their Tweet when they “got” the toilet joke.  Ha ha.

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Bathroom Attendants.

I’d just like to go on record saying I don’t like bathroom attendants.  I’ve been to two venues lately that have had them, the Diesel Club Lounge & the Altar Bar.  My run-in last night at the Altar Bar was odd.  I went into the stall to relieve myself, and came out to the faucet running, a dude squirting soap in my hands, and handing me some towels when I was done.  It’s odd to have someone do something for me that I could have easily done myself.

Imagine you’re walking down the street and your shoe comes untied, I run up to tie your shoe, & expect a tip.  I would be met with a resounding “WTF?” because I wasn’t asked to help.  Yet, I helped you, and you had no choice.  Odd there.  Odd in the bathroom.

We can suspend the general “stage fright” issue, knowing it’s weird that there’s a dude standing less than 10 feet away, but it is a public bathroom so there’s always that distraction.  It’s just the other guys are there doing the same thing as you, not offering any services.

Poop-flavored candy, cakes, & gum!

Speaking of offering services… No, I don’t want any gum, candy, Swiss cake rolls, or honey buns that have been sitting in the bathroom.  Can’t you at least put that part right outside the door?  I don’t generally have food in my bathroom at home…. why would I want it anywhere else?  How many foul smells & horrible germs must those foods absorb before you’re able to sell them?  I’m not a smoker, but I’m guessing that people who are also don’t want cigarettes that smell like they were pulled out of a sewer.

Why are you trying to sell me food in the bathroom?  No, I don’t need cologne or deodorant, or anything else.  When I’m urinating, it’s my own special alone time.  I don’t need to chat or dine afterwards to celebrate.

Thank goodness I didn’t need to defecate last night.  Who wants to poop with someone hanging out ready to smell that?  Not to be disgusting, but we all do it, and we all know it smells horrible sometimes.  Who the hell wants to stand in a room selling absorbent little cakes while that’s going on?  (Would he build a nest for me?  Is that guy ready to wipe & wet-nap my ass too?  Do you have to tip extra for that?)

I can see the plus sides… perhaps a person in there deters people from being general pigs, graffiti, illicit activities, and promotes hand-washing.  They probably never run out of towels, soap, or toilet paper.  But, really, why not just check on things periodically and put up a sign.

Do these attendants get paid, or do they work only for tips & poop-flavored candy sales?  How does one get a position as a urination supervision specialist?

Shouldn’t I have a chance to refuse their services entirely if it creeps me out?

Where & why did this all start?

We live by Carnegie Mellon, can’t someone make some robots for this job that aren’t creepy & that don’t require tips?

Enlighten me.

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